I just found out that I have to have surgery to remove my lymph node on Dec 9, when the chemo and radiation are finished. And I am so GLAD!
This means that I get to know that the cancer is OUT of my body. Gone. Adios. Bye-bye. Sayonara. Later, dude. Outta here. Hast la vista and don't let the door hit ya where the good Lord split ya.
This means that combined with what I am doing to transform the cancer inside my mouth and what this very skilled surgeon will remove on December 9 we will have this cancer transformed/removed on December 9.
What a great early gift!!!
=========================================
Let go.
Love more.
Allow things to just BE.
(doesn't mean do nothing......means do your best, try your hardest but let go of any expectations that things MUST turn out this way or that way. Allow them to just turn out...............and be comfortable knowing you did YOUR best.)
Love is the answer and that's all we need to know.
Monday, November 9, 2009
what is HAPPINESS?
Is happiness that state we have when "everything is right with our world; people are treating us well, job's okay, kids are okay, etc."?
To me happiness is NOT situational. It depends upon ONE thing only: am I okay at this exact moment?
Period. Nothing more or less.
For if I am okay with this moment then I MUST be happy........and I am!
Was talking to my daughter the other day and she was complaining how she and her girlfriend got in a fight over something. (Doesn't matter what the fight was about cause I don't remember and she probably doesn't either now. Just that it was HUGE at the time. lol)
After listening a while, I asked her if she was happy. She said, "If they would stop treating me like an idiot and you and Mom would start giving me the freedom that every other college sophomore has....." the list went on.
I asked her when she these things would get fixed so she COULD be happy.
She said, "I don't know cause by then I bet something else will come along and mess things up. My life sucks." (Oh, the drama of a teen-aged daughter, yes? lol)
I take that with a grain of teen-aged salt. But I was sad that I couldn't get her to realize that SHE is in control of her happiness.
If she decided right now, today, that those things are just STUFF that has nothing to do with her ability to be happy then she would find she IS in control of her own happiness.
And that's true for all of us, me included.
I forget, think about what's screwed up with my life and find myself unhappy..........until I remember and realize that I am a very lucky person living a very lucky life.
I have so much going for me, so much to be thankful for.............but I just forget sometimes. :-))
It's okay to forget.............just try and remember as fast as you can so you can start being happier!!!
So look around and ask yourself: "What is making me UNHAPPY at this exact moment?"
And then ask if you decided to ignore that, could you be happy?
Cause, when its all said and done, happiness is up to you. You only have to CHOOSE to be okay with what you have and where are you in your life. The rest is just arguing with life.
YOU get to create your reality.
YOU do.
What will you create today? Make certain it makes YOU happy.
Love is the answer and the gift of my cancer helps me remember that every day.
Thank you for this gift.
Thank you for the opportunity to realize that I am very lucky. I just am going through something at this time that takes some effort and some patience. But I WILL be okay.
Because I CHOOSE to believe that I am happy. (Sappy? Naive? Perhaps......but if it makes ME happy then that's all that matters in the end.)
Thank you for reading, reacting and writing me back (The "3 R's".)
Makes me feel better to write it out. Hope it helps.
To me happiness is NOT situational. It depends upon ONE thing only: am I okay at this exact moment?
Period. Nothing more or less.
For if I am okay with this moment then I MUST be happy........and I am!
Was talking to my daughter the other day and she was complaining how she and her girlfriend got in a fight over something. (Doesn't matter what the fight was about cause I don't remember and she probably doesn't either now. Just that it was HUGE at the time. lol)
After listening a while, I asked her if she was happy. She said, "If they would stop treating me like an idiot and you and Mom would start giving me the freedom that every other college sophomore has....." the list went on.
I asked her when she these things would get fixed so she COULD be happy.
She said, "I don't know cause by then I bet something else will come along and mess things up. My life sucks." (Oh, the drama of a teen-aged daughter, yes? lol)
I take that with a grain of teen-aged salt. But I was sad that I couldn't get her to realize that SHE is in control of her happiness.
If she decided right now, today, that those things are just STUFF that has nothing to do with her ability to be happy then she would find she IS in control of her own happiness.
And that's true for all of us, me included.
I forget, think about what's screwed up with my life and find myself unhappy..........until I remember and realize that I am a very lucky person living a very lucky life.
I have so much going for me, so much to be thankful for.............but I just forget sometimes. :-))
It's okay to forget.............just try and remember as fast as you can so you can start being happier!!!
So look around and ask yourself: "What is making me UNHAPPY at this exact moment?"
And then ask if you decided to ignore that, could you be happy?
Cause, when its all said and done, happiness is up to you. You only have to CHOOSE to be okay with what you have and where are you in your life. The rest is just arguing with life.
YOU get to create your reality.
YOU do.
What will you create today? Make certain it makes YOU happy.
Love is the answer and the gift of my cancer helps me remember that every day.
Thank you for this gift.
Thank you for the opportunity to realize that I am very lucky. I just am going through something at this time that takes some effort and some patience. But I WILL be okay.
Because I CHOOSE to believe that I am happy. (Sappy? Naive? Perhaps......but if it makes ME happy then that's all that matters in the end.)
Thank you for reading, reacting and writing me back (The "3 R's".)
Makes me feel better to write it out. Hope it helps.
Sunday, November 8, 2009
"lost days"
Thursday and Friday of last week were lost days..........due to side effects from the chemo and other injections to protect me. I lost fluid in massive amounts due to all the vomiting that occurred following my chemo on Monday/Tuesday.
The side effects appear to be worsening the further along I go into this treatment. But they are temporary. Saturday came and I felt GREAT!
So good in fact, that I was climbing ladders and sawing off tree branches that needed to be pruned. I mean big branches. Lots of them. And then using a chain saw and cutting the limbs into firewood size and stacking onto a firewood carrier.
=============================================
Isn't it funny how it really is the little things that matter most? Sort of the opposite of that popular series of books entitles, "Don't Sweat the Small Stuff (And it's All Small Stuff)".
My book title would be "Be Thankful for the Small Stuff: It's What Really Matters Most".
The big things, the cancer things, seem to take care of themselves. Firing my white laser beams at the cancer and "watching" them transform has become second nature. (I find I do it unconsciously.) And that gives me more time to be conscious about the rest of my existence: thankful for moments I can be fully present in the moment, fully aware, fully alive and fully grateful.
==========================================
My dad sent me these words this week and I love the simplicity and the truth of them: (author unknown to me) “There is, in the universe, a power forever on the side of those brave enough to trust it.”
So much is said within that simple phrase. And it ties in nicely with my favorite expression:
"Life is simple. It's just not easy."
But here comes the basic human question: WHY, if there is "...a power forever on the side of those brave enough...." do we as humans have such a hard time accepting it?
Is it because it's not tangible? Touchable, smell-able, see-able and therefore "real"?
And why do we NEED things to have physical shape, size, force, density in order to "believe" in them?
Are we created to doubt anything we cannot see, hear, smell, touch or feel?
Because, I BELIEVE, deeply and completely that I am transforming this cancer. I feel it. I KNOW it is working despite not having had any proof of that. Until this week.
I had an appointment with my ENT oncologist, who said, after my physical exam, "The cancer in your tongue is gone. The one in your neck needs more work."
So, you are helping me as I transform this cancer. WE ARE WORKING ON THIS TRANSFORMATION TOGETHER AND SUCCESSFULLY!
Thank you for loving me.
Thank you for wanting to help me.
Thank you for following me and believing.
Thank you for bringing more love into YOUR lives.
===================================================
At least once every week I get a text message from Donna R that simply says, "Dana!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
She is shouting my name out loud because she believes she can be heard. And when heard, she can help. (Of course, it occurs to me that she may be doing it to humor me cause she loves me, but I don't care. She is asking for me to be recognized and my cancer going away is proof that what she is doing IS helping.
Thank ALL of you for what YOU are doing.
I know that so many of you do this and more and I notice it and I am thankful.
I ask only ONE thing" that you do it for YOURSELF to. That you use your new found powers to help heal that portion of your own lives that may be in disarray. Help you as you help me.
And in that way, we both shall be healed.
LOVE is the answer. And that's all you need to know.
I love that simple declaration of love and faith.
The side effects appear to be worsening the further along I go into this treatment. But they are temporary. Saturday came and I felt GREAT!
So good in fact, that I was climbing ladders and sawing off tree branches that needed to be pruned. I mean big branches. Lots of them. And then using a chain saw and cutting the limbs into firewood size and stacking onto a firewood carrier.
=============================================
Isn't it funny how it really is the little things that matter most? Sort of the opposite of that popular series of books entitles, "Don't Sweat the Small Stuff (And it's All Small Stuff)".
My book title would be "Be Thankful for the Small Stuff: It's What Really Matters Most".
The big things, the cancer things, seem to take care of themselves. Firing my white laser beams at the cancer and "watching" them transform has become second nature. (I find I do it unconsciously.) And that gives me more time to be conscious about the rest of my existence: thankful for moments I can be fully present in the moment, fully aware, fully alive and fully grateful.
==========================================
My dad sent me these words this week and I love the simplicity and the truth of them: (author unknown to me) “There is, in the universe, a power forever on the side of those brave enough to trust it.”
So much is said within that simple phrase. And it ties in nicely with my favorite expression:
"Life is simple. It's just not easy."
But here comes the basic human question: WHY, if there is "...a power forever on the side of those brave enough...." do we as humans have such a hard time accepting it?
Is it because it's not tangible? Touchable, smell-able, see-able and therefore "real"?
And why do we NEED things to have physical shape, size, force, density in order to "believe" in them?
Are we created to doubt anything we cannot see, hear, smell, touch or feel?
Because, I BELIEVE, deeply and completely that I am transforming this cancer. I feel it. I KNOW it is working despite not having had any proof of that. Until this week.
I had an appointment with my ENT oncologist, who said, after my physical exam, "The cancer in your tongue is gone. The one in your neck needs more work."
So, you are helping me as I transform this cancer. WE ARE WORKING ON THIS TRANSFORMATION TOGETHER AND SUCCESSFULLY!
Thank you for loving me.
Thank you for wanting to help me.
Thank you for following me and believing.
Thank you for bringing more love into YOUR lives.
===================================================
At least once every week I get a text message from Donna R that simply says, "Dana!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
She is shouting my name out loud because she believes she can be heard. And when heard, she can help. (Of course, it occurs to me that she may be doing it to humor me cause she loves me, but I don't care. She is asking for me to be recognized and my cancer going away is proof that what she is doing IS helping.
Thank ALL of you for what YOU are doing.
I know that so many of you do this and more and I notice it and I am thankful.
I ask only ONE thing" that you do it for YOURSELF to. That you use your new found powers to help heal that portion of your own lives that may be in disarray. Help you as you help me.
And in that way, we both shall be healed.
LOVE is the answer. And that's all you need to know.
I love that simple declaration of love and faith.
Wednesday, November 4, 2009
insights!
I just had a flash of insight....(it may have been heartburn. I get the two confused sometimes.)
All of the aches, pains, loss of energy, difficulty swallowing, side effects of chemo that I am experiencing is TRANSIENT. It is TEMPORARY. It will soon be finished.
And when it is, I will REGAIN:
taste
hair
energy
desire
and be pain free
Yet, there are SO many others who will not recover from the pain they are in right now. My cancer makes me so lucky in this.
My gift is similar to the one Dickens gave to Scrooge: I get to see how it MIGHT have been, or more accurately, how it SOMEDAY may be. I now understand what an elderly person feels with their daily grind of wake up with pain, walk every step with pain, not be able to eat, not being regular in bodily functions (sorry for the visual), and sometimes thinking that there may not be a point to all this suffering.
The question is, WHAT WOULD YOU DO DIFFERENTLY TODAY IF THE NEGATIVE EXPERIENCE YOU ARE GOING THROUGH WERE PERMANENT?
Or, ask it this way:
What would you do differently if your pain were to end RIGHT THIS minute?
How would you respond? With a "thank God its gone" and move on.....
Or ask, "Gee, I wonder why that happened in the first place? Why was I was given that to suffer through?"
=======================================
AFTER ALL, WHAT IS THE POINT OF IT ALL?
And maybe, that IS the point of it........... (have I lost you yet? No? Well, hang on because we're coming up on a couple of really sharp turns ahead.)
Maybe the point of ANYTHING happening to us is that we get the OPPORTUNITY to respond a new way. And in so doing, we get the CHANCE to re-define who we really are.
If everything God does has a reason and a purpose (and I believe that), then perhaps we struggle with our insights because we are TOO CLOSE to them to define them?
Like being forced to look at the bark of the a tree from the 1" away.
Can we tell how tall the tree is?
What color are the leaves?
How many other tress are there near by?
How many branches are there?
The answer is, of course we cannot know those things. We cannot see them because we are too close to it.
Similarly, we lack perspective in the things that happen within our own lives. As I wrote yesterday, perspective for me seems to come to me from unexpected places OUTSIDE of me. From a stranger or friend saying something to me that jolts me and makes me think. Or, to listen to the words to a song we have known for years but suddenly, THIS time, we hear it as though for the first time and the lyrics cry out to us with their intimate understanding of our pain.
And I think that perhaps that is the gift of pain and suffering. That we have been given an opportunity to respond to it in a new way. Now, does that take away the pain, remove the suffering, stop the hurting? Of course not. We are human and we love the human experience, drama included. (Please, I do not make this statement in jest or lightly. I have 3 teen aged daughters and I KNOW drama!!)
I choose to believe that whatever gift God has given me, that it works for a higher purpose in ME. To give ME the chance to re-member who I really am. And who is that?
A child of God, divine by birthright, filled with purpose and hope, love, faith and with eyes that I try and keep wide open so that I will see the experiences as they occur and get to ask, "How do you plan to use me today, God? What would you like me to do?"
(Okay, who's still with me? Were you the ones who buckled up when I suggested the tight turns coming ahead? Good planning, you.)
In much simpler terms (alright, finally he's making it simple!!)
I think if we are all truthful to OURSELVES, we would agree that if we loved our self a LOT more and loved each other more too, that this world would look and feel different than it does.
But we are human.
Humans are fragile and contradictory by nature. And that recognition is okay. We are those things.
But we carry within us a GREATER seed that is meant to be sown among others. EACH ONE OF US carries this and we are meant to plant it. Tell someone today you love them. Someone you haven't spoken to in a LONG time because of what they did to you. Reach out and call someone TODAY that you have written off because of long-standing pain they caused. Say, "Hi. Just want to let you know that I am working on forgiving you. I am working on it because it causes me pain to remember what you did and I don't want to hurt anymore. So, I forgive you."
This is HUGE people. HUGE!
This is transformation of the God size! Become a transformative agent. Make a call to someone today and say, "I never told you I loved you but I should have."
"I never told you that what you wrote to me touched and inspired me. But I should have."
"I never shared with you how you changed my life."
"I don't know you, but your books and your words inspire me every day to be better. Just wanted to let you know."
Help some one today.
Do something NICE for someone today.
Buy the car behind you in the fast food lane THEIR lunch without telling them. Just pay the cashier for their food and drive off. Then picture their reactions as they puzzle through 'who did this? Why did they do it"
The joy you will experience is worth the small price you'll pay. THIS joy will last much loner than it takes to eat your meal. This joy will be the sustenance that feeds you for a LONG time.
Thank you for inspiring me
Thank you for reading me
Thank you for what you are about to do TODAY!
All of the aches, pains, loss of energy, difficulty swallowing, side effects of chemo that I am experiencing is TRANSIENT. It is TEMPORARY. It will soon be finished.
And when it is, I will REGAIN:
taste
hair
energy
desire
and be pain free
Yet, there are SO many others who will not recover from the pain they are in right now. My cancer makes me so lucky in this.
My gift is similar to the one Dickens gave to Scrooge: I get to see how it MIGHT have been, or more accurately, how it SOMEDAY may be. I now understand what an elderly person feels with their daily grind of wake up with pain, walk every step with pain, not be able to eat, not being regular in bodily functions (sorry for the visual), and sometimes thinking that there may not be a point to all this suffering.
The question is, WHAT WOULD YOU DO DIFFERENTLY TODAY IF THE NEGATIVE EXPERIENCE YOU ARE GOING THROUGH WERE PERMANENT?
Or, ask it this way:
What would you do differently if your pain were to end RIGHT THIS minute?
How would you respond? With a "thank God its gone" and move on.....
Or ask, "Gee, I wonder why that happened in the first place? Why was I was given that to suffer through?"
=======================================
AFTER ALL, WHAT IS THE POINT OF IT ALL?
And maybe, that IS the point of it........... (have I lost you yet? No? Well, hang on because we're coming up on a couple of really sharp turns ahead.)
Maybe the point of ANYTHING happening to us is that we get the OPPORTUNITY to respond a new way. And in so doing, we get the CHANCE to re-define who we really are.
If everything God does has a reason and a purpose (and I believe that), then perhaps we struggle with our insights because we are TOO CLOSE to them to define them?
Like being forced to look at the bark of the a tree from the 1" away.
Can we tell how tall the tree is?
What color are the leaves?
How many other tress are there near by?
How many branches are there?
The answer is, of course we cannot know those things. We cannot see them because we are too close to it.
Similarly, we lack perspective in the things that happen within our own lives. As I wrote yesterday, perspective for me seems to come to me from unexpected places OUTSIDE of me. From a stranger or friend saying something to me that jolts me and makes me think. Or, to listen to the words to a song we have known for years but suddenly, THIS time, we hear it as though for the first time and the lyrics cry out to us with their intimate understanding of our pain.
And I think that perhaps that is the gift of pain and suffering. That we have been given an opportunity to respond to it in a new way. Now, does that take away the pain, remove the suffering, stop the hurting? Of course not. We are human and we love the human experience, drama included. (Please, I do not make this statement in jest or lightly. I have 3 teen aged daughters and I KNOW drama!!)
I choose to believe that whatever gift God has given me, that it works for a higher purpose in ME. To give ME the chance to re-member who I really am. And who is that?
A child of God, divine by birthright, filled with purpose and hope, love, faith and with eyes that I try and keep wide open so that I will see the experiences as they occur and get to ask, "How do you plan to use me today, God? What would you like me to do?"
(Okay, who's still with me? Were you the ones who buckled up when I suggested the tight turns coming ahead? Good planning, you.)
In much simpler terms (alright, finally he's making it simple!!)
life is simple, it's just not easy.
I think if we are all truthful to OURSELVES, we would agree that if we loved our self a LOT more and loved each other more too, that this world would look and feel different than it does.
But we are human.
Humans are fragile and contradictory by nature. And that recognition is okay. We are those things.
But we carry within us a GREATER seed that is meant to be sown among others. EACH ONE OF US carries this and we are meant to plant it. Tell someone today you love them. Someone you haven't spoken to in a LONG time because of what they did to you. Reach out and call someone TODAY that you have written off because of long-standing pain they caused. Say, "Hi. Just want to let you know that I am working on forgiving you. I am working on it because it causes me pain to remember what you did and I don't want to hurt anymore. So, I forgive you."
This is HUGE people. HUGE!
This is transformation of the God size! Become a transformative agent. Make a call to someone today and say, "I never told you I loved you but I should have."
"I never told you that what you wrote to me touched and inspired me. But I should have."
"I never shared with you how you changed my life."
"I don't know you, but your books and your words inspire me every day to be better. Just wanted to let you know."
Help some one today.
Do something NICE for someone today.
Buy the car behind you in the fast food lane THEIR lunch without telling them. Just pay the cashier for their food and drive off. Then picture their reactions as they puzzle through 'who did this? Why did they do it"
The joy you will experience is worth the small price you'll pay. THIS joy will last much loner than it takes to eat your meal. This joy will be the sustenance that feeds you for a LONG time.
Thank you for inspiring me
Thank you for reading me
Thank you for what you are about to do TODAY!
Monday, November 2, 2009
details of how I "eat", etc.
I am being asked questions about the intricacies of eating, drinking and taking my medicines since my throat is raw and bloody. (Sorry for graphic visualization but its just like how you'd feel if you had the worst sore throat you could ever imagine.......and it doesn't go away. Swallowing is tough, talking is taxing, etc.)
1) the vast majority of food and nutrients go through the feeding tube. (You've seen the photos of it on the blog or in Facebook right?)
2) so, I do control when I "eat". But I try to eat around the same time everyone else normally does. And WHAT I eat is, in theory what anyone eats, except for no acidic fruits or juices or foods, no tomato based dishes (damn that one. I LOVE Italian food!)
3) whatever I do make to eat, I then put in the blender and add some low fat milk and a bag of protein powder. I then take the large ended syringe they have given me, pull out the stopper/pusher, fit the end of the syringe into the uncapped end of the tube and pour in as much as it will hold (about 4 ozs.). I insert the pusher to force the liquid into my stomach. I re-cap the tube and then repeat the process until I am done "eating." Usually takes about 3-4 tube fills to "eat" a meal.
4) I do the same thing with Gatorade to stay hydrated throughout the day. Dehydration is my enemy. I found out today that it alone is probably the greatest contributor to my nausea and vomiting. So, I am trying to "drink" 100 ozs or more a day of liquid. The more the better. (That equates to about 12 glasses of water a day...........and that is my base goal. I do better if I take in even more. So my personal goal is 16 glasses of water/Gatorade etc.
I use Gatorade much more often than plain water as the salts and sugars in the Gatorade allow my system to empty the Gatorade very quickly into my body where it is needed.
Water tends to stay in your stomach for a longer period of time before it is emptied. (Ever notice the swishing sounds your belly makes when it is full of water?)
My meds are now crushed (pills), added to the liquid meds and some Gatorade and fed into the tube, too.
I add protein powder to virtually everything. Also, I try to eat a lot of fat to maintain weight although I am losing that battle to date. Have lost 12 pounds in the first 3 weeks but it is the next three where I have to be more aggressive in my feeding and pay more attention to my weight. Many do not lose this much weight this early because their treatment plan has the chemo following the radiation instead of doing it concurrently as I am.
Okay gang, that's the boring details.
If any of you ever face this cancer or know someone who does, advise them very strongly to have the feeding tube put in. A friend of mine opted not to do so and he said he lost almost 40 pounds of his 175 weight. That is just too much weight loss. Especially since the negative side effects continue 1-6 months post-treatment.
Pay to Caesar what is Caesar's and to God what is God's and to doctors what is for good medical care. But in the end, BELIEVE deeply it will work out and LOVE yourself throughout the entire process because, (say it with me here, gang,) LOVE IS THE ANSWER!!
(we'll work on the 3 part harmony next time.)
1) the vast majority of food and nutrients go through the feeding tube. (You've seen the photos of it on the blog or in Facebook right?)
2) so, I do control when I "eat". But I try to eat around the same time everyone else normally does. And WHAT I eat is, in theory what anyone eats, except for no acidic fruits or juices or foods, no tomato based dishes (damn that one. I LOVE Italian food!)
3) whatever I do make to eat, I then put in the blender and add some low fat milk and a bag of protein powder. I then take the large ended syringe they have given me, pull out the stopper/pusher, fit the end of the syringe into the uncapped end of the tube and pour in as much as it will hold (about 4 ozs.). I insert the pusher to force the liquid into my stomach. I re-cap the tube and then repeat the process until I am done "eating." Usually takes about 3-4 tube fills to "eat" a meal.
4) I do the same thing with Gatorade to stay hydrated throughout the day. Dehydration is my enemy. I found out today that it alone is probably the greatest contributor to my nausea and vomiting. So, I am trying to "drink" 100 ozs or more a day of liquid. The more the better. (That equates to about 12 glasses of water a day...........and that is my base goal. I do better if I take in even more. So my personal goal is 16 glasses of water/Gatorade etc.
I use Gatorade much more often than plain water as the salts and sugars in the Gatorade allow my system to empty the Gatorade very quickly into my body where it is needed.
Water tends to stay in your stomach for a longer period of time before it is emptied. (Ever notice the swishing sounds your belly makes when it is full of water?)
My meds are now crushed (pills), added to the liquid meds and some Gatorade and fed into the tube, too.
I add protein powder to virtually everything. Also, I try to eat a lot of fat to maintain weight although I am losing that battle to date. Have lost 12 pounds in the first 3 weeks but it is the next three where I have to be more aggressive in my feeding and pay more attention to my weight. Many do not lose this much weight this early because their treatment plan has the chemo following the radiation instead of doing it concurrently as I am.
Okay gang, that's the boring details.
If any of you ever face this cancer or know someone who does, advise them very strongly to have the feeding tube put in. A friend of mine opted not to do so and he said he lost almost 40 pounds of his 175 weight. That is just too much weight loss. Especially since the negative side effects continue 1-6 months post-treatment.
Pay to Caesar what is Caesar's and to God what is God's and to doctors what is for good medical care. But in the end, BELIEVE deeply it will work out and LOVE yourself throughout the entire process because, (say it with me here, gang,) LOVE IS THE ANSWER!!
(we'll work on the 3 part harmony next time.)
perspective
Perspective, it has been my observation, comes from places unlikely and often unexpected.
I was speaking to my radiation oncologist who was giving me the medical facts about my treatment. I told him that I had no frame of reference as to how well I was tolerating this treatment and I was frustrated by the side effects and their effect on me. (.....like constant nausea, for example.)
He said, "Your emotional handling of this horrible and terrible-to-treat disease is remarkable. You are the patient that I tell my other patients about as they founder. You are doing SO well."
Who knew?
Here I was coming off a weekend and feeling sorry for myself because I was losing weight rapidly, not eating completely and not hydrating enough properly.
And I am HIS shining star? My first thought was, ' God help those other patients' but then I realized that only he had the perspective I needed.
And that was the word of wisdom and inspiration that I needed today. I, like most of us in painful situations, was more involved in the minute-to-minute situation than in accurately assessing how well I was handling the situation.
Plus, if I am being completely honest, then I am bearing a load of responsibility to all who write me after reading the blog or Facebook and let me know how inspired they are by my courage, my hope, my optimism and my humor.
(Funny? I am funny where has THAT been written? How did humor get past my editors???)
THAT is the magic medicine that keeps me going.
YOU are the reason I have hope.
YOU are the reason I have faith and optimism.
YOU are the reason why I believe that LOVE is the answer ans that my flashes of white light will TRANSFORM this cancer into something benign and simple, ultimately healthy.
I have the perspective to know that I have been doing this journey as well as it can be done and that is important for me because I want my kids to know that whatever life throws at us, we CAN handle. We CAN make it through. We WILL endure and things WILL work out. Life is simple, just not easy.
Like me. Like now. Like this.
I can do that. You bet I can.
I was speaking to my radiation oncologist who was giving me the medical facts about my treatment. I told him that I had no frame of reference as to how well I was tolerating this treatment and I was frustrated by the side effects and their effect on me. (.....like constant nausea, for example.)
He said, "Your emotional handling of this horrible and terrible-to-treat disease is remarkable. You are the patient that I tell my other patients about as they founder. You are doing SO well."
Who knew?
Here I was coming off a weekend and feeling sorry for myself because I was losing weight rapidly, not eating completely and not hydrating enough properly.
And I am HIS shining star? My first thought was, ' God help those other patients' but then I realized that only he had the perspective I needed.
And that was the word of wisdom and inspiration that I needed today. I, like most of us in painful situations, was more involved in the minute-to-minute situation than in accurately assessing how well I was handling the situation.
Plus, if I am being completely honest, then I am bearing a load of responsibility to all who write me after reading the blog or Facebook and let me know how inspired they are by my courage, my hope, my optimism and my humor.
(Funny? I am funny where has THAT been written? How did humor get past my editors???)
THAT is the magic medicine that keeps me going.
YOU are the reason I have hope.
YOU are the reason I have faith and optimism.
YOU are the reason why I believe that LOVE is the answer ans that my flashes of white light will TRANSFORM this cancer into something benign and simple, ultimately healthy.
I have the perspective to know that I have been doing this journey as well as it can be done and that is important for me because I want my kids to know that whatever life throws at us, we CAN handle. We CAN make it through. We WILL endure and things WILL work out. Life is simple, just not easy.
Like me. Like now. Like this.
I can do that. You bet I can.
Saturday, October 31, 2009
things I have learned so far?
There is no handbook for cancer, ya know? No tome to turn to for answers and insights. So, in no particular order I have decided to share what I have learned so far from this gift of cancer.
1) don't stock up on razor blades----they don't tell you that the primary hair loss (so far) is on my chin and neck and that I don't need to shave the majority of my face
2) don't start to regrow your moustache and goatee sight before chemo and radiation (see note #1)
3) dry mouth is an understatement. Right now, I am praying for hot, humid heat: anything to generate facial moisture.
4) you get to end ANY conversation at any point you want (see note # 3)
5) which means that I can finally win an argument with my wife (see note # 3)
6) which means that I will NOT pull that ace out of my sleeve until it is really, really worth it. If you ever decide you must win an argument with your wife it better be for something REALLY big cause it is for sure the last one you'll win. (Wives only fall for the sore throat thing once.)
7) you will have a racing stripe straight down the middle of your neck due to the radiation being shot at both sides of your neck but not at the vocal box. (For those not in the know, one gets a sun-burned like neck from the radiation and your skin stays winter white where its not burned.)
8) people think that whatever you say is worthy of real reflection. (Why is that? Just cause we have cancer? Who knows but I am going to take advantage of it while I can!! lol)
So, to sum it up to date, I have learned that cancer is not for wussies; head and neck cancers really suck; people are really nice to you and send you stuff all the time; strangers have all kinds of really cool, albeit, odd homemade cures; and the best part is you get to walk away from anyone during any type of conversation while citing, "Dude, I am so sorry but I cannot talk any more. Got to go."
THAT insight is worth the price of admission. And one I will apply going forward in my life because life is way too short to waste it in situations that are negative and energy-sucking. Live life like it would end tomorrow and then be thankful when it doesn't.
Love is the answer!
1) don't stock up on razor blades----they don't tell you that the primary hair loss (so far) is on my chin and neck and that I don't need to shave the majority of my face
2) don't start to regrow your moustache and goatee sight before chemo and radiation (see note #1)
3) dry mouth is an understatement. Right now, I am praying for hot, humid heat: anything to generate facial moisture.
4) you get to end ANY conversation at any point you want (see note # 3)
5) which means that I can finally win an argument with my wife (see note # 3)
6) which means that I will NOT pull that ace out of my sleeve until it is really, really worth it. If you ever decide you must win an argument with your wife it better be for something REALLY big cause it is for sure the last one you'll win. (Wives only fall for the sore throat thing once.)
7) you will have a racing stripe straight down the middle of your neck due to the radiation being shot at both sides of your neck but not at the vocal box. (For those not in the know, one gets a sun-burned like neck from the radiation and your skin stays winter white where its not burned.)
8) people think that whatever you say is worthy of real reflection. (Why is that? Just cause we have cancer? Who knows but I am going to take advantage of it while I can!! lol)
So, to sum it up to date, I have learned that cancer is not for wussies; head and neck cancers really suck; people are really nice to you and send you stuff all the time; strangers have all kinds of really cool, albeit, odd homemade cures; and the best part is you get to walk away from anyone during any type of conversation while citing, "Dude, I am so sorry but I cannot talk any more. Got to go."
THAT insight is worth the price of admission. And one I will apply going forward in my life because life is way too short to waste it in situations that are negative and energy-sucking. Live life like it would end tomorrow and then be thankful when it doesn't.
Love is the answer!
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