Dana's Blog

Princess Lala Lives On

2011-11-21T14:38:00.006-06:00

Princess Lauren sat in her favorite chair while gazing out the windows at the world beyond her throne room.

A young woman stood before her, waiting as Princess Lala pondered how to respond to her question.
"Ask me again, dear lady," Lauren prompted.
"Princess, how can I let myself love after being hurt so badly this last time?"

Lala knew what was really being asked, "If I know I will get hurt, why bother to try?"

Lala looked gently upon the young woman standing before her. Her blond hair tangled, tears running down her face, a look of desperation in her eyes.

"There was once a group of creatures with wings," Lala began. "They had fat, full bodies and were unable to fly. Their bodies were so heavy they could only stumble around on the ground. Their engineers had concluded that flight was impossible for them. Worse yet, if they tried they would plummet to their deaths and be crashed upon the rocks below.

One day, one of them became fed up with his existence as a stumbling, bumbling winged creature. He waddled over to the edge of the tallest cliff and readied himself to throw his body over the edge.
'Wait! You will surely die,' the crowd cried out.
'You will be crushed, your body broken, bloodied and destroyed. Is this what you want?'
'No, of course not....but I must try. For living with wings and unable to fly is worse than having no wings at all. It is like having a heart yet afraid to love for fear that it might break.'

With that, the bumblebee threw himself off the cliff.
Sure enough, his body crashed against the rock cliff as he fell. But soon, his wings began to beat-----faster and faster until at last, he slowed his descent and began to FLY!

He soared high up and over the cliff's edge and soon everyone on the ground could see him.

'It is YOU,' they cried out. 'Teach me, show me, help me, save me,' they cried out.

"I cannot for I am the same as you," said the bumble bee. "The only difference is that I was willing to try. Like you I have been inspired by other flying creatures. But inspiration was not making me fly. I realized that inspiration required action to become reality."

Princess Lauren looked directly in the eyes of the young woman, "What are you waiting for? You cannot love and be loved while standing around here asking me questions. Get out there, spread your wings, open your heart and LIVE!"

Princess Lauren and Love

2011-07-26T22:00:00.005-05:00

The dawn broke clear and clean, a gloriously beautiful day. Life was just beginning to show itself in the village below the castle and Princess Lauren loved being able to feel that hub of energy and vitality. She imagined she could hear all those families saying, "Good morning, glory. How'd you sleep? I love you!"

She missed those conversations and those words. In fact, as her cancer progressed and her battle intensified, Lauren sought out love wherever she was.
Her reverie was interrupted by a knock.
"Oh my lady," Princess Lauren gasped, as one of her ladies brought in breakfast. "What is the matter? You look like you've been crying for hours!"
"Princess, I am so sorry. I don't mean to bother you but it is my boyfriend. I know he doesn't love me. I am not certain he likes me."
"Pish posh. I know the boy. He hangs on your every word. He brings you flowers, why he even gives you the best cut of food from his plate. If someone hurts you or is rude to you, he keeps them away from you; he protects you. He watches over you, he does anything he can to ensure that you are well and cared for."

The lady paused as she considered, "But he doesn't hug me enough. He doesn't TELL me enough. My family does, my friends do, but he doesn't. If he loved me, then he would TELL me."

Princess Lauren pondered this, for she knew this feeling firsthand. Her step dad was like this; writing of love but having difficulty verbally expressing love. His family didn't outwardly show love and affection easily yet anyone who knew them would know that they LOVED her. They would do anything for her. That was also a demonstration of love just as real and tangible as an outpouring of words. Yet still, not the same.

"Lady," Princess Lala began, "I know how you feel. Consider paying attention to what they DO! How often does he do things for you? What does he write, or notice about you? Does he take an interest in what you say and how you feel or, does he ignore your feelings?"

The lady was clearly not convinced so Princess Lala continued, "It is an easy thing to SAY you love someone but as all women know, many men SAY they love you. The true test is this: what do they DO about it? Will they stand with you when things get rough? Will they protect you? Will they watch over you? Will they let you share your thoughts and fears? Will they take care of you? Pay your bills? Be there with you at your doctor's appointments? Pamper you and SHOW you love? These are ACTS of love. If we look at love as something that can only be demonstrated through words, then you deny yourself the feeling of love from anyone who is more comfortable showing love than speaking love."

Her lady thought over this. "But I want him to SAY it! Why is it so hard to just say it?"

Lauren wanted to be able to explain this better but couldn't.
"I don't know, lady. But if you can't find contentment in the WAY someone loves you, then you prevent yourself from being loved by them. That can lead to your being angry at them for not loving you, when in fact they do. By not accepting the WAY they love, you deny YOU the love. The WORDS don't make the feeling. They just make it easier to express love. But words are not the ONLY way to communicate love, ACTIONS, consistent and true over time demonstrate love just as convincingly and real as do words."

As the lady thought this over, Lauren added, "Allow yourself the joy that comes from being LOVED, lady. Truly and deeply loved---in whatever manner it comes to you. Otherwise you will be shortchanged and end up feeling hurt by the very person who wanted to SHOW you love-- when all you wished for was to HEAR love."

===================================

LOVE is love. Whether spoken or acted upon, the true nature of love can be felt----it is tangible and real. Yes, it's true that it is easier to HEAR it, but it is NOT true that spoken love is the only real love and actionable love is less than that.

As a step-dad, my greatest fault is that I have a much easier time writing words of love than I do saying words of love. I can hug with the best of them, but daily endearments are difficult. So I have depended upon my actions to show my feelings. And my words. At times, that is not enough and for that I deeply apologize to those who wanted the words spoken. My words are written, but they are no less the REAL for that.

I hope that is known to those I love. Especially to Princess Lauren. Especially to her.

Princess Lauren and the Word Cancer

2011-07-18T17:14:00.008-05:00

Sitting quietly in her study, Princess Lauren looked out over hills surrounding the castle. Green lay before her eyes like a carpet, lush and alive. Life lay everywhere her eyes could see.

A lady in waiting quietly entered the study, "Princess?" she whispered.
"Yes, Rachel. What is it?"
"Princess, I am worried for you. I...." she broke off, not at all comfortable talking this way to a Princess.
Lala rose and glided over to the lady. "It's okay. Tell me, dear lady," Lauren encouraged her as she touched her arm.

"I fear that you are not taking your cancer diagnosis seriously. M'lady, the doctors have said this cancer causes most people to die. Yet, you smile and walk about."

Princess Lauren took a piece of paper and a pen, she drew a picture of a circle. "What do you see" she asked the lady.
"I see a circle, Princess," clearly not understanding where she was going.
"What else could it be?"
"Um, well, I guess it could be a globe of the world."
"Good. What else?"
"Oh," she said, warming to the game now, "It could be a soccer ball. Or a clock or....."
"That's excellent, well done!"

Princess Lauren then wrote the words "metastatic cancer" on the paper.
"These are the words my doctors said. These words are a collection of letters that represent a word. The MEANING of that word is not the same to everyone. Do you understand?"

"Yes, I guess. But what has this to do with your cancer, Princess?"
"A diagnosis of metastatic cancer are words. Some people feel these words mean death. Others see FEAR. To others it represents pain and suffering. I think of OPPORTUNITY. LIFE!"

"Life? But that, that's impossible! The doctors all say so. How can you possibly think it means life, Princess?"
"Because words are just letters written on paper. They have no power unless we give them power by believing in them."

The Princess smiled as she took the lady in waiting's hand in hers. "YOU decide what they mean. YOU choose how to interpret them. YOU get to say, 'I think I will look at this differently.' As Alice said in Alice in Wonderland:
"There's no use trying,' she said. 'One can't believe impossible things.'

'I daresay you haven't had much practice,' said the Queen. 'When I was your age, I always did it half an hour a day. Why, sometimes, I've believed as many as six impossible things before breakfast.'"
----------------------------------------------

Dear readers, which words are YOU believing today?

What you believe can shape your reality.
Remember though------it is YOUR reality.
Do NOT let someone else shape it for you.
Unless, perhaps, you agree with them.

But that is YOUR choice to do so. Not theirs for you.

I have the utmost respect for medical science and the doctors treating my daughter's cancer. They are, all of them, fantastic physicians.
But each of them would admit that their medicine can only take Lauren "so far"; the rest of the journey is up to her.

Thus, their ONE limitation is that they are NOT my daughter.

Whichever medical school trained them, did a very good job of training them to make medical decisions based upon the evidence at hand. This means as they examine the current they compare the symptoms to all previously known patients with same or nearly same condition. Thus, everything they predict is based upon how well OTHER patients have responded.

Lauren is basically saying to them, "I appreciate your wisdom, knowledge and expertise but I am choosing to define the words metastatic cancer slightly differently."

"For me, they mean I have a challenge to LIVE. Watch me. I've got this."

A Poem of Life

2011-07-16T09:34:00.004-05:00

Henry Wadsworth Longfellow wrote,
"Life that shall send
A challenge to its end,
And when it comes, say, Welcome, friend!"

The princess lay quietly, in that half-between state of sleep and wakefulness. Dreaming, yet conscious, she asked aloud yet of no one, "Why me? Why now? Why again? Can I do this?"

She felt her words stir the air and a whispered reply, "You were chosen, dear heart. This is a gift for you. One that is meant to be shared. I chose you among all others because you can do what I ask. You can finish what had been started."

Half asleep, seemingly dreaming, she asked, "But what if I fail? What if I cannot? I am starting to be afraid and so many are counting on me."

"You have succeeded already, dear heart. On the day of your birth I breathed this life purpose into you and I have watched you embrace this now. You are loved and where love lives, death fails to follow. Be not afraid. You have won no matter the outcome. You have won."

Her chest rising and falling rapidly with her breath, she lay back and fell asleep and dreamed of flying. High over hills and fields of her kingdom, past sleepy shepards tending their flocks, past roosting chickens and quiet villages, smoke just now beginning to wisp their way through the chimneys; signs of life just beginning to stir. Soaring, gliding, twirling-free falling then flying. The wind rushing through her hair yet soundless, wordless. She could hear her heart beating such was the stillness and peace she felt. But always aloft, always soaring higher and higher.

"I give you life so that you might live it. This is not a gift so that you may be a "success", as humans are wont to believe. But rather a gift to show you how to BE. You are like the pebble tossed onto the pond. The ripples you create travel on long after you are gone. The ripples touch the boats tied at anchor, they tease the shoreline as they come together, they make things rise and fall in their wake, yet gently, lovingly touched. This is your legacy. Embrace it for you are won. As you embrace your gift, we are ONE."
======================================================

Longfellow wrote in "A Psalm of Life",

In the world's broad field of battle,
In the bivouac of Life,
Be not like dumb, driven cattle!
Be a hero in the strife!

Trust no Future, howe'er pleasant!
Let the dead Past bury its dead!
Act, — act in the living Present!
Heart within, and God o'erhead!

Dear readers, this is not a blog about Lala per se, but rather something that has been gnawing at the edges of my brain for weeks now, trying to be heard. I hope it means something to someone because it would not let me go until I wrote it.

Thank you for loving my daughter through this. Our family needs your thoughts and your prayers and I thank for unconditionally giving of YOUR hearts and YOUR love.

Thank you.

Princess Lauren Learns How to Cook

2011-07-14T21:02:00.007-05:00

Having eaten at the cute little breakfast cafe for a few weeks now, Lala wanted to know how they made such delicious dishes.
"Your food nourishes my soul as well as my stomach. Please, show me how to cook."

The kind eyes stared deeply into Lauren's beautiful, baby blues.
"Princess, I will teach you but I warn you---my recipes are not what you expect."
The chef/owner led Princess Lala to her kitchen.
"First things first," said the chef. "I always pray that my food be nourishing to the heart as well as to the belly. I ask God to guide my hands so that the food is made as God intended. Lastly, I say thanks before I serve it."

The chef looked closely at Lauren as she spoke.
"Like most recipes I use flour, eggs, sugar and vanilla in my baked goods. But to that, I add love, hope, joy and music." The chef looked closely at the Princess as she gauged her reaction. "But Princess, " she warned, "I also add a pinch of fear, a smidge of doubt and a touch of hopelessness."

"What? Why would you do that", demanded the Princess. "I am fighting cancer. I need POSITIVES in my life!"

"Princess, the secret to any dish is found in the balance. Too much of ANY flavor and it's too sweet or too tart or too fluffy. Adding a pinch of bitter fears or sour doubts balances the sweetness of love, hope and joy. Now those flavors are able to be fully appreciated."

And that, dear readers is the single most difficult lesson our Princess Lauren has had to learn in her cancer fight as she seeks to balance her ingredients.

Lauren's poise, her joy, her attitude, her beliefs that she will be well comes not without the knowledge of the POSSIBILITIES of death. She is very much aware that those "maybe's" are present in her "dish of cancer". But they serve a very real purpose.

We need fear to motivate us.
We need hopelessness to drive us to persevere.
We need doubt so that we won't give up despite what the naysayers believe.
We need nonbelievers because it helps to crystallize our faith and to look for more answers and insights on how God uses our own bodies to heal us and, most important of all, to never, ever, never give up.

We recognize the positives in our lives BECAUSE we have the negatives as a contrast.

Without the fear, we would not be able to recognize the faith, the joy.
Without the hopelessness, we could not know what love is when we find it.

We need BOTH. It is in the balance that it all works out.

See both, but CHOOSE positive.

Princess Lauren Orders "Breakfast"

2011-07-07T14:18:00.008-05:00

Quotes from the book, "ILLUSIONS-The Adventures of a Reluctant Messiah" by Richard Bach. (author of "Jonathan Livingston Seagull".)

Every person, all the events in your life are there because you have drawn them there. What you choose to do with them is up to you.

There is no such thing as a problem without a gift for you in its hands. You seek problems because you need their gifts.

You are never given a wish without also being given the power to make it true. You may have to work for it, however.

=====================================================================================Princess Lauren decided that this morning, she wanted to be served breakfast in that new cafe in the center of town. After all, it was a gloriously beautiful day, she felt great, no pain, no nausea and no hospital stay in the near future. It was a good day to be alive!

The cafe was tucked away from the center of the square, on a side street, almost hidden from view. Charming and homey with a slate roof and chimney which had a welcoming curl of smoke whispering out of the stack.

Upon entering the cafe, Princess Lauren found it to be empty save for her and Prince Dillon.

"Sit anywhere you like, Princess. We are here to serve YOU!" Lala turned and found herself staring into the warm brown eyes of a round faced woman with a beautiful smile. "We just opened Princess and I dare say, you will find our food different from anyone else in town. I hope you enjoy what you order because we try to cook everything exactly the way you want it."

As she and Prince Dillon were seated, Princess Lauren was handed a menu. It was handwritten with beautiful calligraphy-like strokes upon parchment paper, lined with artwork depicting pastoral scenes around the borders.

"This menu is especially created just for YOU, Princess. And this one," said the owner, handing one to Prince Dillon, "is yours, Sir."

As her eyes fell upon the menu, Princess Lauren scanned the items listed in confusion, "There must be some mistake. This menu doesn't have any food listed at all! It says things like 'laugh', or 'be afraid', or 'smile at everyone' or even, 'be stressed'. What is this??"

The owner walked slowly towards the Princess, her eyes gentle and soft, "Princess, what we serve at this cafe is your choice of how you want to live today. For instance, do you want today to be filled with laughter? Then order that. Full of song? Then order that. You may order as many things as you like but choose carefully, Princess, because what you choose is what you will get."

Princess Lauren stared at the woman as though she were insane. "But this menu has things like, 'be scared' and 'worry all day' and 'feel isolated and alone'. Who would choose such things?"

The owner smiled, pulled up a chair and spoke soothingly, "Princess, do you know anyone who worries all day? Who feels cut off and alone? Who feels like a victim in their own life?"

"Well," Lala stammered, "Sure. Who doesn't? Wait, are you saying that these people CHOOSE to live like that?"

"Well, of course, Highness. Who else could do that for them? It is their day after all. They must know how they want to live it or they would order something else, don't you think?"
=====================================

Dear readers, I am often asked, "How does Lauren stay so positive? How can she do that when facing the possibility of such a dire outcome?"
The answer is both simple and yet difficult. Because she chooses to do so. Period.

She chooses to do so.

Did you order what you really wanted this morning? Or did you say, "I'll have the usual"?

Did your day come in as expected?
Would you really like to order something new but are afraid you may not like it?
Or, would you like to send it back and order something else?

This is YOUR life and you get to choose.
Your life and your order.
Choose carefully. Yet choose what YOU want and not what someone else says you want, or wants for you. (Unless you secretly want that too but are afraid to ask for it.)

This is your reality. Your choice makes it so because you give it focus and energy and that makes it real.
A truism is: what we focus upon is what we experience.

Somehow, Lauren has figured that out with her cancer. Her focus is on love, forgiveness, joy and HOPE. And thus, that is what she lives.

Some may look at her and think, "She's in denial."
I choose to believe that what Lauren has done is to hear all of the menu choices, positive and negative and then decides, "I think I will live THIS way instead."

Lauren's chooses the menu items of LOVE, HOPE and JOY.
She chooses not to get any side orders of fear, worry or doubt.

What will YOU order for breakfast tomorrow?

Princess Lala: Sir Kellen Helps Create a New Vision

2011-06-23T21:39:00.006-05:00

Lady Rachel of Roberts sat by her front window staring out at nothing in particular. She had heard the news about Princess Lala's miracle shrinkage of cancer tumor and wondered what that meant to her and her cancer.

A pounding upon her door broke her musing.

"M'Lady Robert? Princess Lauren wished you to have this," said the court messenger pointing to the servants carrying a very large object wrapped in cloth.
"What is that?" gushed Rachel of Robert.

Heart beating faster and faster, she heard the messenger say, "Princess Lauren said to tell you that sometimes we just need to see ourselves differently."
"Wait---what does that mean?"
But the messenger had left.

Lady Rachel eagerly ripped the cloth from the object. Standing before her was a full length mirror. A note was attached to the frame.
"When I don't like what my life looks like, I look at it differently. This mirror is so that you can start to see your life in a new way, too. Each time you see your reflection think, 'I am not the person I used to see; that is but a mirror image. I am who I choose to be. I choose to be whole, healthy and cancer free. I see it clearly and it must be so."

Rachel stood before the mirror and stared at the face that stared back. It was a serene and beautiful face now fully realized with a signature cut and color from that most famous of stylists, Sir Kellen of Halo. (Sir Kellen is renowned throughout the kingdom for weaving magic into his hair creations.)

"It's odd but this mirror makes me look different. BETTER, even. I like this woman who looks back at me with such a smile. She makes me feel good about......ME."

Dear readers, cancer can make you see yourself without hope. Cancer has a way of sucking the life out of a person long before that person is ready to let go of life. There are times when the only possible way to deal with it is to look at your life differently.

After all, you are NOT cancer.
You are just a person who HAS cancer.
Cancer does not define you any more than does any other troubling situation.

It is just a thing that has been given to you to try on.

If you know you won't like it, then don't try it on!
You are not required to accept everything that comes your way and this goes for cancer, too.

If you choose to not want it, then love it and release it.

Is this easy? No. It is a very simple thing to do but it is not easy.

But with love, faith and HOPE one can find a way to see the possibilities in the same manner that Lady Rachel of Roberts can see herself differently now.

What do YOU see when you look in your mirror?
Do you like that person?
Do you LOVE that person?

Find a way to embrace a NEW vision of yourself.
One that is more aligned to the you that YOU wish to be.
See yourself as this new person over and over again and make it real for you!
Love this YOU-----for it is real.

Embrace the new you and then live fully within this new vision.

As co-creator of your own universe, you have the divine gift of life within you as a child of God. Why not use it?

poetic thoughts?

2011-06-22T10:19:00.006-05:00

"Let us, then be up and doing,
With a heart for any fate;
Still achieving, still pursuing,
Learn to labour and to wait." Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

Think about these words for a second. Roll them around like a wine on your tongue, discovering each nuance and subtlety within. From this comes wisdom and insight.

Henry Wadsworth Longfellow seems to me to be saying, "Love whatever comes your way. Do not give up. Ever. But DO be patient for wisdom can come slowly. These fates that are thrown at us may be divine in origin.
Our ONLY job is to find a way to accept those negative things which come our way. Then, to find a way to overcome that fate with love, with hope and a deep belief that it is POSSIBLE to overcome anything thrown at us.

Does this mean these negative events do not hurt or harm?
NO.
Does this mean that we cannot be permanently scarred by it?
Or even die from it?
NO. And NO.

It just means that packaged alongside the gift of the negativity, there is wisdom within in that would help us to traverse the stormy seas of trouble.
And if we are fortunate enough to find the wisdom, not only does it make the sailing that much easier, it instantly improves the lives of all those around us who are watching how how we navigate as they seek a way to navigate their own oceans.

Think about it.

Is it at all possible that the stormy seas you are sailing exist for a reason?
Or, is it that these seas are a punishment sent to you for some unknown reason like something you did once to someone a while back kind of thing?

I ask only so that you consider a different viewpoint to gain insight.
Nothing else.
Wisdom comes as we carefully consider a new way of looking at something.

I mean, what IF all things DO happen for a reason and that reason is, in the end, a good one?

This thought feels more right to me than its opposite which is:

That all things are random. And that all harmful, hurtful things come to us because either there is no God or that God seeks to harm us.

Those to me, are the only possible choices from which to consider.And none of the "feel" right to me.

What do YOU think?

I choose LOVE IS THE ANSWER.
I see how love has been working miracles as I watch Princess Lala fight her fight with a smile and a loving heart. That can't be a random coincidence. It can't be sheer luck of the draw. It must be more than that. Seeing these miracles first hand moves me to a place I heretofore only thought about and dreamed of in my guided imagery sessions.

Thank you all for YOUR loving hearts. It is from here that lies wisdom and insight to guide us all through our stormy seas.

Safe sailing!

Princess Lauren leads Lala's Soldiers into battle

2011-06-21T21:39:00.006-05:00

As Princess Lauren looked over the fields of her homeland, she found herself thinking of weighty issues like life, death and the "why" of it all. She didn't normally give in to such thoughts but she had been touched earlier that day by a visit from a lady in waiting, Rachel of Roberts. Rachel had recently found herself bitten by a similar serpent and the poison had found its way to her belly. This being the second time she had been bitten, Rachel of Roberts felt that to go through chemo, hair loss, pain with little hope of survival was just not worth the price. She told her doctors she would choose to just live for as long as she could.

However, one morning, a town crier gave news about how Princess Lala has been bitten and was told she would die soon from the bite. But Princess Lauren, this being her third time with the toxic poison of a serpent flooding her body, chose to believe that doctors could not possibly know everything. And that with love and hope, ANYTHING was possible.

Every day Rachel would wake and race to get news of her Sunshine Princess; how strong she was; how brave and with such a beautiful smile to face it all.

Something stirred within Rachel.
"I want to have chemo," she told her doctor. "If Princess Lauren can put herself through this then so can I."

"This is a journey and one which I have never taken before. But just because it is unknown to me, does not mean I shall get lost," she told herself. "I will do what Lauren does and I will smile and face what lies before me. I will not give up. And even if my own family fears for me and can see no other outcome possible, I see hope. I choose to write a new ending."

With that, Rachel reached out to Lady Jenna and Sir Kellen of Halo Salon and had her locks shorn in anticipation of losing them. "Better to lose them by my choice than to just lose them," she thought.

Sir Kellen crafted a new look for Rachel, elegant and short, letting her beauty shine through. "I will not let toxins define me or how I look. When all others see cancer, I see POSSIBILITIES."

Dear readers, Rachel Roberts is facing stomach cancer for the second time. Cancer is a disease in which the person fighting it feels alone, cut off and separate from those around them. It is this feeling of "alone-ness" that makes it hard to feel positive and supported.

Rachel feels that she has little or no support in her battle.
She has been told that few will care about her, her chemo and her fight.
And for a while she believed what those people told her.

But those people spoke from a place of fear. They were afraid for Rachel.
Perhaps they had never known the joy that comes with HOPE?
Perhaps no one had ever modeled LOVE IS THE ANSWER for them?
Maybe that's why they could not recognize it when they saw it?

But Rachel did when she "met" Lauren through Lala's Soldiers. And she has become resolute.

I ask all of Lala's Soldiers to say a prayer for Rachel Roberts.
The power of this group comes from the power of love.
So, use the divine gift of YOUR heart and love up Rachel.
She can use our help and we can use the joyful feeling we receive in return to love up even more people.

Let Lala's Soldiers stand for something BIG!
Something hopeful.
Something that believes life is ALWAYS a possibility.
And LOVE is always the answer.

Can you squeeze out just a bit more love and say Rachel's name in prayer?

You will be amazed at how good you feel after doing so.

Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Princess Lala and the Approaching Storm

2011-06-13T22:25:00.006-05:00

Princess Lala lay on her back, watching the clouds play tag with the sunshine. Field grasses did the hula as she drew in a deep breath of spring time.
"I love the way the air smells after a storm," Princess Lauren smiled. "Who would have believed that just a short time ago this area was covered with black clouds and torrential downpour? Some said my kingdom would be washed away in the deluge. Now look at it. THIS is how to live, Prince Dillon. Just look at it!"

Her eyes scanned the horizon, taking in the breath and depth of the kingdom.
"Princess" one of her knights urged, "I think we need to take those storm clouds seriously."
"Don't be silly," Lauren said. "I can see those clouds and yes, they certainly are scary. But that doesn't mean they are headed this way. Let's watch them and see. Meanwhile, enjoy this moment." Princess Sunshine lay back on the grass.

"Are you sure, Princess," Dillon asked, his eyes beginning to doubt the wisdom of this."I mean, look how black that sky is becoming."
"Prince Dillon, you didn't grow up here. I know what it feels like when it is going to storm. And I tell you, that this too shall pass. Fear not."

Smiling, Princess Lala looked over at her men, huddled together, staring at the blackness on the horizon, becoming more nervous as the storm clouds blackened, rose higher in the sky as they approached.

"Troops, listen to me. I know what that sky looks like. Storms can be frightening due to their horrific power and danger. I am not naïve. But I am calm. We will be fine, I promise you."
"But m'lady," one of her knights begged, "How can you be so certain? How do you KNOW?"

The question gave the Princess pause as she considered how to answer.
"Truthfully, I don't know how I am sure. I just feel it. But I promise you, if it gets truly scary, then we will fight our way out of here and find a place to be safe. But until then, let's just watch this storm and see how it all plays out, shall we?"

Princess Lala smiled and touched the arm of the man nearest to her. Her touch was electric yet calming-like one of those chair massagers set to low. "The secret is knowing where to look," Princess Lauren whispered. "Behind each of those black storm clouds lies bright, white light---sunshine. Whenever a storm approaches I imagine that the only thing my eyes can see is divine white light. Imagine there are NO black clouds....look past all that. Can you see the white light? Look for it just behind there."

"Life lies in the living," Princess Lala soothed, "not the fearing. I've got this. I've got this."

And that is how Princess Lauren let her people know that to watch a storm is different than being caught up within a storm.
Storms can be very scary, true.
But they bring with them the gift of allowing us to CHOOSE how we want to respond something that scares us.

What do you choose for the storms in your life?
And if you "knew" you didn't have to worry, would you trust that feeling?
Or would you still be scared because everyone around you was scared for you?

THAT is the trick to surviving an oncoming storm.

Stay in the now. Not in the "what-if's".

Along the road to a cure

2011-06-10T06:11:00.003-05:00

There are two ways of meeting difficulties: you alter the difficulties, or you alter yourself to meet them.
- Phyllis Battome

There is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so.
- William Shakespeare

These two quotes jumped out at me after I had dinner with Lala, Prince Dillon and Melanie last night. We were sitting at the table, laughing, telling stories about when they were little, how they built these huge tents inside the house from 4 or 5 sheets they stole from us. These tents were enormous! Completely took over my office space. (I think they were big enough to hide an entire tribe of Bedouins.)

We shared silly things Lauren used to say to cute boys, clothes stealing between sisters, etc. In other words, going down memory lane and loving every single second of the trip.

Later, Melanie took Lauren and Dillon to a free outdoor concert while I watched the Mavs kick some serious Miami booty. (They played with an efficiency similar to that with which Lauren is kicking cancer's butt.)

It was one of those very special, close, bonding evenings during dinner and I wished it would go on and on and on. So nice.

Afterwards, as I am wont to do, I found myself reflecting on the evening, Lauren and her journey through cancer with her positive attitude and lack of baggage. (And by that I mean, how she has made her way through this without carrying around the weight of anger, negative outcomes, fear and fear.)
All of those things can weigh down anyone!

And that's when I found the quotes listed above.

The first one grabbed me.....in all things we have a CHOICE.
We could choose to change the external event...(not likely)
---or change our approach/attitude/expectation about the event itself and free ourself.
(hard to do but, oh so much more rewarding.)

That's when I found the second quote.......I thought about all the people I know going through really tough times. How some are managing it well and others are really struggling.

And the common thread over and over in their reactions to their troubles is this:

Whatever their mindset is going in, that manifests itself into the reality they experience on that journey. Now---they, like me, do not want to hear that during the journey. Who wants to be reminded that THEY hold control over how they feel? Especially when they feel victimized by events? Yet this is the secret key to happiness.

They ask, "Is this God punishing us?"
Of course not, though it sure can feel that way, can't it?

I watch Lauren and I see her saying to people, "It's all in how you look at it. Like Alice looking through the looking glass."

So, how are you looking through your looking glass?
Can you find a way through or do you feel hopelessly lost?

My prayers are that you find a way to find your way.
Even if that means, "fake it 'til you make it."

Stride forward in ANY direction whatsoever. Even if it is the WRONG direction. Just make a choice to MOVE.
At the very least you are taking action.
And action taking feels good; as if you have influence over your burdensome troubles. Action is power.
Power is hope.
Hope leads to solutions.
Solutions lead to freedom.
Freedom allows love to come flooding in.
And love is the answer.

I hope your difficulties can find the answer they seek through love.

I love you and thank you for loving Princess Lauren. She certainly continues to inspire ME!

creating a new you

2011-06-08T06:44:00.005-05:00

This inspirational thought came in my email today from Neale Donald Walsch:

...that it may seem that you cannot control exterior
circumstances, but you can always control interior ones.

To me, this acknowledges our world can throw many uncertainties at us daily, weekly, yearly. But these are OUTSIDE of us. On the outside, not INSIDE. Our true reality is what lies within us and how we REACT to the external.

How we experience ANY situation is determined NOT by the events that are thrown at us, but rather by how we CHOOSE to experience those events. How do we respond to them?
How do we think about them afterwards?
Are we you holding on to anger? frustration? hurt? being victimized?, etc.

As I think about Lauren winding her way through this life and death struggle with cancer--smile fixed upon her face---I am convinced that Lauren has tapped into this approach to her life. She has decided that cancer is EXTERNAL to her. It is a "thing" that has happened to her. A very powerful, perhaps DEADLY thing, but still something OUTSIDE of her that occurred to her.

How she responds INTERNALLY is the key to her experience with this cancer.
And she chooses, each and every day, to respond with total conviction and belief that this THING, this cancer, will not rule her life. It will not overpower her internal belief system, nor does it have the power to decide whether she lives or dies.

She responds with a positive attitude--not with negativity and anger--which would divert healing energy away from her battle with cancer.
No, Princess Lauren has decided to fight her cancer fight with LOVE JOY, HOPE, OPTIMISM and FAITH.

All of that, combined with the power of over 3100 Lala's Soldiers, and Princess Lala has the strength she needs to fight this cancer to ITS death.

See her photo where she holds the sign, "Dear Cancer, I live. You die. Sincerely, Lauren"?

To me, that photo sums up her response to an external event perfectly.

I love this kid! I really do. She inspires me, I write about it, you read about it, you feel her inspiration through the words and send them on to the rest of the world through your own thoughts, smiles, love, joy and HOPE.

There is always room for HOPE.

And LOVE, as we now know for sure, is the answer!

Love is the answer

2011-06-04T08:14:00.003-05:00

Lauren leaves the hospital today after 3 days of in-patient chemo. SHE DID GREAT!!!

Sunday is National Cancer Survivors Day and Lala really wants to attend the event honoring all cancer survivor's. I hope she feels well enough. (Typically, after chemo, she feels drained and tired but otherwise okay.)

You know what is really driving her, fueling her, healing her?
Your love beams.

Kellie Quinn posted on FaceBook that she sent Lala white light. I like to think that love, if it were a light beam, would be the color white.

Dr Bernie Seigel, Yale surgical oncologist, said "Love heals."
Mahatma Ghandi said, "Where there is love, there is life."
John Lennon said, "Love is the answer."
Every major religion, all across the globe, seem to share one basic tenet: 'Love ourselves and love each other.'

(They say it differently of course, but this seems to be their one shared concept.)

Can it be coincidence that so many disparate people from so many different walks of life and from so many different parts of the globe all BELIEVE in the one same thought: LOVE IS IT??

Perhaps we are children of the same God, given the same divine thought at birth, "You are meant to find and know love" and we spend our entire lifetime trying to get to that state of knowing, to that place in our lives where we LIVE with faith and complete confidence of this birth thought--- we are to LOVE EACH OTHER? And that LOVE HEALS ALL THINGS?

Perhaps this is God's plan for Princess Lauren? Maybe this is what her life is meant to show us? Me?

How else to explain the miraculous shrinkage of her deadly tumors?
How else to explain why she sails through her treatments with such a sunshine-y disposition?
How else to explain how she does not fear?
How else to explain how she is able to say to her Mom, "I got this. I will will not die. I got this"?

Lauren is my hero. I love her. However this turns out I will be forever grateful that I found my way into her life 14 years ago.

Thank you, Lauren for loving me. You make me a better person.

Love Heals

2011-05-31T17:14:00.005-05:00

Yale University cancer surgeon Dr. Bernie Seigel writes:

"If I told patients to raise their blood levels of immune globulins or killer T-cells, no one would know how. But if I can teach them to love themselves and others fully, the same changes happen automatically. The truth is 'Love heals'."

I stumbled across these words today. It is astonishing to read those words. And my logical, scientifically trained mind asks, "Is it possible for it to be just that simple?"

And my heart answers, "But you already know the truth."

And that is when I hear a voice inside my head, "I showed you this when you went through cancer. I showed it to Lauren when she went through cancer the first time. Do not doubt this, or Me or yourself. You are my vessel through which I work. You are my miracle made manifest and real."

(I have goose bumps completely covering my body as I write those words.)
This makes me smile because I find myself thinking about all those blogs where I end them saying, LOVE IS THE ANSWER.

I believed it when I wrote it.
And now, to read that a Yale trained oncologist has deeply believed it to the point where he advocates patients emulate this and he has seen it work first hand in his own patient population.....I get chills thinking about the synchronicity of it.

I wanted to share Dr Siegel's wisdom with y'all. I know that as a Lala's Soldier, you are going through Lauren's cancer journey with her. Yet many of you are facing significant challenges in your own lives. You see HOPE in what Lauren is doing and perhaps even, ask yourself, "Exactly HOW is Lauren doing this?"

HO? I honestly do not know. I wish I could diagram the manner in which she makes this happen both inside of her as well as to manifest that faith and hope and love everyone sees. Lauren has found a way to believe it completely. No hesitation. No reservation. She just "knows" she will be well. That "knowing", that faith, is the first step. And the second is to LOVE what you are going through. Weird, right? Love a cancer?

Yes.

LOVE it to death! Just love it to death!

After all, don't they tell us that "love conquers all?"

Love is the answer! Can it be that simple?

tomorrow

2011-05-31T12:53:00.003-05:00

The sun will come out, tomorrow, bet your bottom dollar that tomorrow there'll be sun. (from ANNIE.)

Well, tomorrow our sunshine girl goes into the hospital for chemo round 3.

This is a pic of Lala with her main oncologist, Dr Heym. (from 3 weeks ago.)
At least this time in the hospital there will not be the added pain of a surgery (to put a port in as happened last time.)

That being said, the challenge with chemo is that the side effects tend to be additive. Which means that each time you have chemo, the side effects are what you experienced previously PLUS new ones from the current treatment. Each time it is worse than the previous times.

So, our sunshine girl is being asked once again, to rally her troops, internally and externally to deal with this uninvited invader, fight it off and deal with the at times horrific side effects.

To date, Princess Lala has shown all of u that she handles this with typical aplomb and grace and I hope for the same this time. Were she not able to breeze through this however, that is where I am asking y'all for an outpouring of LOVE, HOPE, PRAYERS and support!!

Can we flood FB with photos of pets as Lala's Soldiers? Funny pics to make her laugh? Silly YouTube videos to cheer her up, inspirational true stories to guide her?

Thank you! You have no idea at all the depths of your ability to help. But it is REAL, I assure you . And it is working!!

LOVE YOU!

And we all know that, LOVE is the answer!

where are we?

2011-05-30T16:23:00.003-05:00

Memorial Day has me thinking about leaders from the past and that got me reflecting upon Lauren and her most recent past---where and when did this all start, what was the timeline and where are we now?

It doesn't seem possible that SO much has occurred in such a short period of time. Judge for yourself:

Jan 2011
Lauren complains of persistent cough and sniffles. Goes to health clinic at school.
Feb 2011
Lauren continues to complain of flu-like symptoms accompanied by difficulties in breathing. Gets antibiotics at health clinic at school.
March 2011
Lauren complains of more severe breathing problems and flu-like symptoms. School health clinic gives her steroids and antibiotics (normal and correct given her symptoms but hindsight has me wondering if they could have been a tad more aggressive given her history of cancer?)
April 2011
Lauren gets X-ray at school health clinic and they see massive tumor choking her bronchial tubes causing breathing problems. Send her home to get checked at Cooks. She arrives late on a Friday. On Tuesday, after all the medicines offered no improvement, we took Lauren into Cook Children's to see her oncologist. At the time, we thought we were dealing with a severe infection like TB or something. But no, it was much worse.
Tests showed her cancer was back.
April 12, Lauren is put instantly into ICU ward and placed on heli-ox to help with breathing.
April 13, Dr Heym calls the 3 parents into consult room and asks us to notify our entire family. Says tumor is killing her and if she stops breathing, she will die that day. They have very few options to try against this aggressive tumor. With no other choices, they will attempt emergency radiation. And then start Lauren on 2 very powerful chemo toxic drugs.
April 14
Lauren's breathing miraculously improves.
April 17
Lauren's breathing continues to improve. She gets discharged from ICU and put on main hem/oncology floor in hospital. We are told later that it was expected she would never leave ICU alive.
April 19
Lauren gets to go home from hospital. She has succeeded beyond their wildest dreams in taking on this cancer fight. She befriends Lyle Lovett, Tim Halperin and Steve O during this time. They continue to talk to this day, Lovett most especially and often.

May 2011
Lauren goes into hospital for round 2 of chemo. She has to have a port put in and prior to surgery, they order a CT scan. The surgeon sees her scan results and freaks out with surprise and joy--the tumor has shrunk!
This tumor treatment had just ONE goal....slow down the growth any way at all to give Lauren enough time to live so that she could be enrolled in a clinical trial that MIGHT be able to save her life.
Lauren didn't believe in that narrow of a goal, apparently.
Her tumor had not only STOPPED growing, it had shrunk!! Significantly!

Memorial Day 2011
Lauren is at beach with her family and boyfriend. The tumor is shrunken and at bay, but still present within her lungs. She goes into hospital on Wednesday, June 1 for her 3rd round of chemo. Don't know at this time if she will get another CT scan so that we can compare shrinkage with previous scan. Hope so!

But the thing is this:
Lauren has continued to belief and state that she has "got this, Mom. I got this. I am not going to die."
Combined with your prayers and your love and coupled with your visions of Lauren being whole, healthy and cancer free----Lala has generated some "IMPOSSIBLE to conceive of" miracles against this nasty cancer tumor.

And she is doing it with a style and a grace that belies her age and her maturity. Lauren is redefining the way to face a challenge.
Face it head on, acknowledge it, then kick its ass while smiling, and believing to your core, that you are free of this uninvited invader.

And those are my Memorial Day thoughts. I hope you have found love and joy with your family on this day. Please take a moment to give thanks for all those whose lives were given so that we may live in the manner to which we do: freely able to challenge the status quo and kick cancer's ass.

I wish you well.

Rainy days lead to sunshine's rays

2011-05-24T22:21:00.003-05:00

Lauren came from the oncologist and, true to her pattern with this cancer, she has BLOWN away her counts. She can rejoin the land of the living and go out in public once again!

On a side note, I am almost embarrassed to continue writing blog after blog on how well she is progressing through this deadly cancer. I mean, seriously, how many miracle stories can one person produce? And how many are too many and they all kind of become a blur to y'all?

The answer, I hope, is THERE ARE NOT TOO MANY! The number is infinity!

As long as Lauren can continue on this miraculous journey she shall continue to inspire. Then I realize that it is not for me or anyone else to fear, "Well, certainly she must have hit her miracle quota by now, right?"

That would be a travesty because somehow, someway, I believe, deep down inside that her greatest miracle is YET TO COME!

Lauren will triumph over this. She will burst through a bubble of seemingly impossible to beat cancer and she will save her own life. In the process, she will change of the lives of many others. And to me, this is all part of a much bigger divine plan that was put in motion at the very very beginning of her life.

I feel so honored and so blessed to have been a witness to it all. Thank you Lauren. You light up my life, sunshine girl!

You have demonstrated that LOVE IS THE ANSWER!!

Enthusiasm and Joy

2011-05-24T05:59:00.005-05:00

Princess Lala sat facing her lieutenants, firelight shadows dancing across her face. The flickering light upon her eyes made them luminous, almost too beautiful to stare at directly. Yet the Princess Lala's staff could not look away, such was the compelling nature of those eyes.

Smiling, Lauren turned and softly spoke. "I am going to tell you my secret. This is what fuels me, what drives me and what it is that makes me succeed when others fall short. If you undertake ANYTHING in this life, then attack it with ENTHUSIASM. Find the JOY in that thing. Then go for it with a gusto. If you find that you cannot do this will a gladdened heart, with a zest, then that thing, whatever it is, is not meant to be for you. Such shall it be for you. Know you this----the truth of what you seek to accomplish shall be revealed to you by your own heart. Your joy, your enthusiasm will alert you to whether or not you are committed to making this undertaking a reality or a fanciful notion."

The soldiers stirred, moved by her faith in them that they would understand the meaning of this. "Do you mean that we cannot succeed in life if we can't make ourselves happy about what we are doing?"

"Happy is a state of mind. And a fun one, too I might add. But what I speak of here is much more. If you are involved in some project or task, it is your enthusiasm, (or lack of it) that will determine your success. If your heart SINGS to you at the very thought of this task, go forward and win. Because every task requires we give our heart and soul to it. This is how we were created. Your heart will not lie to you."

"But what if I am scared," another soldier blurted out.

Princess Lala gazed with such tenderness, "Being scared is normal. In fact, fear can be a GOOD thing. it can be that thing which helps you crystallize your thoughts, form your plan, analyze your opposition. But what makes you WIN is whether or not you can find the JOY to do this thing above all else. Whether you find that you can do nothing else BUT win, which shall make you succeed. And it is enthusiasm and joy that is the fuel to do so. LOVE doing what you seek to do and you shall not fail. No matter the outcome. You shall not fail."

This, dear readers is Lauren's secret. She believes so completely that she will be healed, that the fight she goes through fills her with a joyful yearning to live.
It is this complete conviction that fills her with light and makes being around her so intoxicating.

One is literally swept up in her life force, her smile, her joy.
THIS is the essence of her secret. This is what keeps her alive.

This is a divine gift and one we ALL share. Why some are able to access it better than others I shall never know. But I thank God for those who can access it, they act as guides to light the pathway for the rest of us.

"When two or more are gathered in His name..............."

Take a Left at Boredom and go straight to Doldrums

2011-05-20T16:32:00.006-05:00

Lauren learned today during her oncology follow-up, that her counts were WAAAAY too low. (Absolutely expected. The miracle is that they were expected following the FIRST round of chemo, not this, the second round. This kid is a fighter!!)

So what does that mean? It means, NO VISITORS. Total isolation at home. Lock down, total security. Wish they had this for all misbehaving, teen aged daughters at the push of a button. Just call up lock down mode and your teen is grounded. No room for arguments. Wishful thinking/fantasy world..........I know.

Anyway, Lauren will be in this lock down isolation until at least Monday when she gets her next blood test. If counts stay low, isolation continues. If they rise, which is what is expected, then she can re-enter the world of the living one foot at a time.

Pray for Lauren! Lauren lives life in a BIG way and all that that infers.
So feels big,
she laughs big,
she loves big and
she gets bored big!

4 days at home ideas, anyone?

We are open cuz she has exhausted her patience on TV reality shows (thank you, God), movies, FB posting, music, etc.

Prayers work for the cancer, but what works on boredom for someone who cannot interact with humans?

Precious Moments

2011-05-19T21:52:00.006-05:00

It's 9:53PM. Princess Lala is getting ready for bed, tired from the struggle her body is going through due to the chemo war. This early to bed thingy is an oddity since normally at this time, she is just getting out of the shower and STARTING to get ready to go out. Teen-agers, right?

As I sit here, thinking about what to write for the update, Melanie's in the next room reading a book to our sunshine girl. Lauren covets the comforts that can only come from her mommy. She's always been like this and her momma would have it no other way, trust me!

I am instantly transported back to years ago listening to Melanie read to the girls. It seemed as though the days smelled sweeter, the laughs came easier and life was just a whole lot simpler. But, in those days, the miracles were doled out in the singles packs as opposed to the extra large economy size we get these days. And thank God, for that!

Lauren bounces back and forth from full of energy to full on sleepy mode. The whiplash effect of being throttled back and forth is tiring in and of itself and Lauren's face and body show the results of her struggle. Yet, despite all of that turmoil and strife, she still smiles. And just one of Lauren's smiles can radiate through an entire room where everything else recedes like a rapidly retreating tide. This allows us to see that once again, all is right with the world.

Cancer offers amazingly simple gifts---like perspective and gratitude; joy, love and hope. It brings out the best in us and as I look around the FaceBook room full of Lala's Soldiers I do not worry about the future of this planet. It is, after all, now proven to be in good hands.

Lauren has shown me this. It is her gift to me---this vision of the future. Through her eyes I get to see the "what will be's" instead of the "what-ifs" I sometimes glimpse.

And when she falters, her mother will read to her; her soothing, melodic voice erasing all the stress as Princess Lala is magically whisked away to a land where knights and ladies rule the realm, wizards weave magical spells and always, there is a happy ending.

Sort of like the real life story we are living right now.

Thank you for your love, dear readers. Thank you. It washes over us like a cleansing shower, purifying and making sacred all that has soiled us as we battle our way through the front lines of this cancer war.

Love is the answer. It gives us hope; provides us with joy and a sense of belonging and lights our way when we are blinded by our fears.

Thank you for recharging our batteries, Lala's Soldiers. Thank you truly. You are the best of us and I can sleep easier with that knowing. :-)

Princess Lala and the seemingly endless battle

2011-05-17T17:45:00.006-05:00

Princess Lauren was tired. She had led her troops into some of the most ferocious fighting yet with no let up in sight. Her soldiers were tired, her supplies depleted, her energy drooping like a flag on a windless day.

"Anything worth having is worth fighting for," Princess Lala spoke to herself.
"Anything worth having is worth fighting for." It became a mantra and the more she spoke it the more energy she gained. A soldier near by heard her muttering some words and leaned in to make them out. "Anything worth having is worth fighting for" over and over.

The soldier sat a bit straighter, moved his sword hilt closer to this side and wiped the sweat off his brow. Breathing in deeply, he could feel a extra burst of oxygen explode into his lungs. Echoing her chant, the soldier said to the man next to him, "Anything worth having is worth fighting for. Pass it on. The Princess speaks!"

A second joined in, then a third, a fourth, then 10, now 20, 30, 100 and more. The voices of Lala's Soldiers cascaded through the valley and then flowed up the hillsides. Villagers who had begun to worry, took a breath and found hope seeping back into their hearts.

Princess Lala rode her horse to the front of the lines and called out to her troops, "Anything worth having is worth fighting for! I will fight this. I promise you, with a smile upon my face and determination throughout my body, I will fight this. Are you with me? I need all of you for this fight as you are MY inspiration. You are MY hope. Are you with me?"

And with that, Princess Lauren turned her steed and rode straight down the hill and into the thick of it, where the cancer was the strongest.

Her troops trailing closely behind her heard the battle cry, "If you want to defeat an enemy, you must go to where the enemy lives and strike your most deadly blow there!"

Princess Lala inspires me to fight my fears as she fights her own.
This is the battle she faces and this is where YOU can continue to help.

Surround her with love. See her cancer melt away.
Hold a vision of her facing her cancer and watch the cancer shrink away like butter in a hot skillet.

I love my Sunshine girl. Always have. Always will.

so, where are we?

2011-05-17T16:56:00.003-05:00

When I first wrote the title to this blog, I meant the question as a prelude to an update of Lauren's health and well-being. Which, by the way, is FABULOUS!!

I keep playing back in my head the conversation Dr Kleinman had with Lauren---where he told her that her scans were amazing.
"Like scary amazing. Like not supposed to happen amazing." And then he went on to say that even though he was not scheduled for her the surgery to insert her power port ( I love that term. Makes me think of power rangers; of port wine that is extra fortified; of a high energy naval station. Forgive me. The mind wanders.....)

Even though he was not scheduled for her power port insertion, Dr. Kleinman had had the scheduled doctor taken off and himself put on the case because, "...we don't get to see too many miracles and I want to be involved with one."

Princess Lauren is doing so well. She is now past the nausea that was ever present following this round of chemo. Her sunshine smile is back, fixed upon her face and she glows with life! Her energy level is high and she wants to do SOMETHING cuz she is bored. Love it!!

Thank you for your prayers of love and the visions you continue to hold where you "see" the cancer just "melt" away. Or, you envision those killer cells being transformed into healthy living cells. Let me tell you-------IT IS WORKING!!!

Now, back to my opening statement of "where are we?" As I wrote it, it occurred to me that we all struggle with life stuff, fear stuff, worries, etc. It may not be cancer, but it IS something and it consumes us to the point of takinjg our attention away from the positive things we have. We wonder, "How did this happen to me?" Or, "why?" Or even, "What do I do now??"

Imagine if we could hold a vision of ourselves sliding, gliding through these worrisome moments as skillfully as we are able to hold the vision of Princess Lauren's cancer melting away----perhaps we would see our own fears and worries melt away? And have the positive stuff come shining through?

That is what I am working on whenever Lauren and I talk about life threatening diesases, human fears and worries and how they freeze us into inaction. We both try and hold a vision of our self sliding, gliding through it with ease and divine inspiration. Then? We watch and see what happens.

Who knows? It just might work. Look at Lauren!!

what makes Lauren so special?

2011-05-11T20:20:00.002-05:00

The mind is its own place,
and in itself
can make a heaven of Hell,
a hell of Heaven.

--John Milton

I ran across this quote today and it resonated with me. It speaks to me about the power and control we have over our lives and our outcomes. Sort of glass half empty versus glass half full?
The two glasses are EXACTLY equal in the amount of water they contain, but WE decide the if they are half EMPTY of half FULL.

Lauren is blessed with an innate ability to find a positive possibility with her glass.
She is absolutely aware that her metastatic malignant cancer has a very high chance of mortality.
However, what she sees is not the high death rate, but the CHANCE of life.
She looks at that CHANCE and in it sees HOPE.

That is her gift. She thinks, "If SOMEONE can survive this cancer, why can't it be ME?"

I have a friend who is dealing with cancer and in her case, the cancer actually has an excellent prognosis. Very few people die from it when caught early like hers.
But, she cannot get past the fact that SOME people do die and her mind is locked, frozen on that possibility.
"Someone always dies with this cancer," she thinks. "It so easily could be ME!"

This poor woman is frozen with fear and does not know how to get unstuck. No matter what I say or her family, friends, counselors, oncologists--she cannot get past this.

And to me, that difference in perception is THE secret that enables Lauren to be doing so well now. She believes to the bottom of her soles and in her soul, that since SOMEONE always lives, it can just as easily be her as anyone else. So why not HER?!?!?

Just look at this Princess Lala thrive! She melts tumors away with the power of her faith and the help of your love.

I wish I had a magic potion to give to those whose fears are so overwhelming even though they have great odds to survive. As a cancer survivor myself, I want to save them all. To help them drive out the fears and discover the power in faith, in hope, in LOVE and joy. But I am not that good. I can't do it for them.

But what I CAN do, is help Lauren with HER survival and her attitude and her spirits and give her love, love, love!

Because LOVE is the answer!!

touched by a miracle!

2011-05-10T15:37:00.002-05:00

Dr Kleinman, one of Princess Lala's physicians who was very involved in the emergency treatment to save her life on April 13, came buy to see her this morning prior to surgery.

"Lauren, your CT scans are amazing. Like SCARY amazing. Like not supposed to happen amazing."

He was SO moved by her miraculous improvement, that even though he was not scheduled to be her anesthesiologist today, he decided he HAD to be involved with her care.
As though saying, "I have to be near a miracle. We don't get to see too many of them."

Lauren continues to touch, influence, inspire and provide hope to these seasoned, professionally trained oncologists and nursing staff. These are medical personnel who are USED to seeing morbidity and mortality. Yet, they seem to be drawn to her by forces they cannot comprehend but which they cannot disobey.

I think is the light within her that draws them in. Lauren exudes this light---it is evident in her smile.

God's light attracts us all in the same way. I believe it is THIS light that shines through Lauren and it is this that produces her miracles.
Further, I believe it is LOVE that fuels the light.
And for that, I give all credit and thanks to YOU-----Lala's Soldiers.

You are the reason my daughter is doing so well.
You keep her spirits up.
You buoy her when she sags.
You provide hope when she falters.

Thank you for your love. May blessings be upon ALL of you!

Miraculous news!

2011-05-09T21:57:00.003-05:00

Lauren had her first CT scan today. The oncologist rushed back in to give us the news:
"Your scan shows REMARKABLE shrinkage. This is EXTRAORDINARY!" (emphasis is theirs, not mine.) "We are seeing results BEYOND anything we could have hoped for. Absolutely amazing shrinkage."

The best part for me, is the vision of these doctors all vying for which one would get to share the news with Lauren.

After all, in their world of science and medicine, miracles are not part of the equation.

Lauren said, "I got this Mom. I am not going to die. I got this."

Words of a prophet?

Lala being Lala

2011-05-08T15:49:00.005-05:00

Earlier this week, Dr Heym was telling Lauren that he felt it would be a good idea for her to come into the hospital on Thursday and start chemo then. She would have chemo on Thursday, Friday, Saturday and Sunday...going home late Sunday.

Lauren didn't hesitate.
Holding up her hand to stop the conversation, "Hold it. That's the weekend. I already have plans for the weekend. I will see you on Monday just as we planned."

That just makes me laugh. Chemotherapy to save her life, but for Princess Lala, her life is in the living. This moment. This one right here and right now. THIS is life.

So y'all---live your life right now!
Do not wait for the future.
Do not hesitate.
Life is a divine gift. That's why it is called present.
(Or, as some would say, it is pre-sent.)

It is NOT what comes next.

It is the NOW.

Lauren's Mother's Day present

2011-05-08T10:41:00.005-05:00

Those of you who don't know Lauren other than through this blog, you have no idea how sweet she is.
The cards she writes and gives to us--SO sweet. They are the type of cards a parent prays for! One that gets read and we sob our way through because of what she says about her love for us; thanking us for how she was raised and how much her Mom means to Lauren. (She is our Sunshine girl!)

Well, today, after making her Mom sob, sob, sob (with all of the layers of love one could imagine coming in a Mother's Day card from Lauren,) Lauren's REAL present was a phone call to Melanie from Lyle Lovett!!!

But guess what---like daughter like mother......Melanie SCREENS the call!
She won't talk to him.
She has a reason, tho.
She wants the voice mail to be there on the phone.
Well, she got her wish.

LL left a very nice message telling Melanie how much her daughter has meant to him and his life. And how thankful he is for Lauren in his life.

What better Mother's Day gift could ever be given and received?

Precious, precious kid. Love that Lala!!

next week's schdeule

2011-05-08T09:57:00.004-05:00

On Monday, Lauren gets admitted to the hospital for her 3 days of infusion as an in-patient.

This period of time will tell us SO much about her treatment and her prognosis. To date, Lauren has sailed through her treatments without needing plasma transfusions to increase her counts. (Which of course, they fully expected she would need cuz that's what EVERYONE going thru this cancer treatment needs. Yet not our Sunshine girl, our Warrior.)

Lauren just cannot do things like everyone else, right?

Melanie will stay with Lauren each night. It makes both of them feel better.

Will keep you posted but I fully expect Lauren to approach this the same way she has faced each other event---face on, full of optimism and resolve, "I got this Mom. I'm not going to die. I got this!"

Love her. Pray for her. Say thanks for the life you live because it truly is a precious, precious commodity.
Today is Mother's Day so give thanks for all those mothers in the world. As many of them face their own terrible challenges today and could use some extra love in their lives, too.

"Just The Way You Are"

2011-05-07T15:05:00.004-05:00

Oh her eyes, her eyes
Make the stars look like they're not shining
Her hair, her hair
Falls perfectly without her trying

She's so beautiful
And I tell her every day

Yeah I know, I know
When I compliment her
She wont believe me
And its so, its so
Sad to think she don't see what I see

But every time she asks me do I look okay
I say

When I see your face
There's not a thing that I would change
Cause you're amazing
Just the way you are
And when you smile,
The whole world stops and stares for awhile
Cause girl you're amazing
Just the way you are

(lyrics to "Just The Way You Are" by Bruno Mars)

Just The Way You Are lyrics

this is the song that Prince Dillon sings to Lauren when she is stressed, scared, crying or worried that maybe things aren't going so well...and she just needs to feel LOVED!

Read these, feel the words enter your heart, imagine receiving a phone call at the PERFECT time you need to hear someone sing this to you. Imagine someone just singing to you....to YOU!

Love can do that to ya, can't it? And that my friends, is the POWER of love.

Love is the answer!! :-)

Heeeerrrreee'ss Laaaauuurrrren!

2011-05-07T11:48:00.001-05:00

Here we are in all our glory!

She is SO beautiful, don't you think??

An angel walking around disguised as a human being and a Sunshine Warrior.

I give you the Chrome Dome Duo---Princess Lala and me.

So glad she is in my life as she has enriched it beyone what my words could ever convey. Hugs, smiles and "I love you" say it best.

Now----------tomorrow is Mother's Day. A day to celebrate love and life. Reach out the ones YOU love and hug them. Love them. Say it out loud, "I love YOU!"

Make a memory they will carry forver. Like these pics do for me.
I love you, Sunshine. Always have. Always will.

Sharing Lauren's journey?

2011-05-03T08:15:00.002-05:00

Today at 4PM, Sir Kellen of Halo will shave my head and I will officailly join Lauren in support of her cancer.

I must admit that this step, (having taken a bit more time to orchestrate) is giving me some apprehension. After all, it is one thing to state, "I love you, Lauren. Always have. Always will. I will shave my head." and another thing to drag it out, anticipate it, fret over it, wonder how funny I will look, feel in excruiating detail what Lauren must have felt as she headed towards baldness herself.

I do this out of love but my vanity does not look forward to this.
I am afraid of what that says about me as an egotistical person. I don't like it. But I shave anyway. It feels like the right thing to do.

4PM, Halo Salon, Fort Worth with Jenna and Kellen. Love me up and shave my head!

What's up?

2011-05-03T08:04:00.002-05:00

Lauren has felt fantastic, looks fantastic and that smile is ever present.

She is wearing her skull cap to cover what little peach fuzz still remains but she lets me rub her head whenever I want. It is so soft. Like kitten belly fur.

On Monday, May 9th, Lauren will be admitted to the hospital for round 2 of chemo. It is done as an in-patient for 3 days of chemo. She sailed through the first round of chemo, never needing a trnsfusion since her platelet counts, T cells and WBC stayed in line. (A tiny miracle in and of itself!)

This next phase will be very telling. Lauren's reaction emotionally, her body's physical reaction all should let us know a lot of where she is and how she is doing. And hopefully, there will be a CT scan so we can get a better idea of what's going on with her tumor.

Truth be told, however, whatever the CT scan tells us, that is just ONE aspect of information about her journey through cancer. To me and to Melanie, the real story is how does Lauren FEEL? What's her smile look like? High wattage or dimmed? What's her emotional state? Jubilant and joy-filled or lesser?

Lauren is a sight to behold and I am excited and scared at the same time of this next step.

Prayers are welcome any time and at all times.
And remember----LOVE is the answer!

We love you!

Fear can creep in....

2011-04-30T19:44:00.006-05:00

The other day, Lauren said, "Everyone says how brave I am and how much of an inspiration I am. Why? I don't get it. I'm just me."

I tried to explain that cancer and life threatening diseases in general scare people who have them. And if they see someone else going through a horribly scary disease, they're amazed if that person appears to be able to face it head on, with hope. Like she is.

But make no mistake, this does not in any way mean Lauren has no fear.
Lauren, like the rest of us, has moments of total and abject fear.
When it happens to us, we worry, "Will we make it? What happens if........"

(on a side note, when it happens to Mel and me, we don't finish the sentence. To say the "what if" gives it power. Better to leave it silent and unsaid than to give it a voice and life.)

As to the insidious nature of cancer, the real ability it has to fracture hope and create fear is that cancer affects so many more people than the patient alone. Loved ones, extended family and friends, Lala's Soldiers, TV newscasters. All affected, all involved. All trying to stay hopeful. :-)

Each of these people can get scared about the "what if's".
For me personally (I know, I know...this blog is NOT about me) the key of how to handle that is to talk about it. To speak my fears out loud, face them head on and get rid of them. Not easy, not without effort and struggle, but when it's done, I feel better. Feel as though I can tackle anything. I feel hopeful!

But not everyone is comfortable with that approach. Many people go within and fight those fears privately. Not wanting to scare others by voicing their fears. I can understand that, too. Truth is, there is no one correct approach.

What's beautiful about Lauren is she doesn't require all of us to be on the same page in terms of our approach, she only requires that we love her.
Fight for her.
Hold a vision of her transforming these cancerous cells into healthy cells.

Love is the answer. Fears tries to deceive us. Do not be deceived. Live in the light as Lauren does and fear not.

If I strayed in this posting and became off-target to helping Lauren, forgive me. Sometimes I fear. But I strive to get back to the light and the hope and the joy as soon as possible. Because Lauren is worth it. Lauren is SO worth it.

Her smile says it all!
Love you, Sunshine. Always have. Always will.

a week in the life!

2011-04-30T13:34:00.004-05:00

Monday, Lauren had gorgeous, beautiful hair.

Tuesday, her hair begins to fall out. Chris Martin decides to get his head shaved in support. Lauren, moved to tears by what he did, decides to cut her own rapidly disappearing hair. Then, she takes it one step further: she shaves most of her head, gets it painted fuchsia leopard print and becomes a living piece of art.

Wednesday, her hair is now almost completely gone. But, miracle again, the wigs start to show up---as though God knew just what day to have them arrive.
Neat, huh?

Thursday, she has a concert in her honor by Tim Halperin of American Idol fame. All of these sick kids at Cook Children's get to be the recipients of such an outpouring of love. You should have seen their faces! Such joy! Live music sure does minister to the soul.
Lauren is radiant, glowing. So gracious, so poised, so fantastically wonderful. So inspiring!!
That evening, she goes back to Halo and Sir Kellen and Lady Jenna, and with a magical spell cast upon her to ease her way, she has her head shaved. Now the wigs are better fitted for her.So beautiful! I tell her I love her and am so proud of her. So very very proud of her.

Friday, she sees a picture of herself with sisters Ashley, Katye and Tim Halperin from the concert. beautiful shot.
Lauren's initial reaction? "You can tell it's a wig. Oh well, that's okay. Everyone knows I'm wearing one anyway."

OMG---so ho-hum. So easy. So comfortable. Hard to believe that this is the girl, who just TWO weeks ago was in the ICU, near death and saying, "If I have to lose my hair I do not want to have chemo. I can't do it. I just can't!"
And then, Prince Dillon swoops in and rescues her with a text and a phone call.

Lauren has come from a place of fear over hair loss to a place of "I will do it/I will face it" to a place of "Oh, well. It is what it is. What's for dinner?"

Such grace. Such inspiration.
I no longer have any trouble getting out of bed and facing the day, because after all, compared to her, what do I have to face that could be that hard?

Last note......a divine coincidence:

When she and Tim Halperin were trying to figure out which song to sing, the first song that came to mind was, "Free Falling" by Tom Petty.
Tim later told her that this was the song he had chosen for himself to sing the next round of American Idol were he to make it.
He was rehearsing it and making it special.

he didn't get to sing it to America, but he sang it to America's Sweetheart!

I love how these events line up, fall into place. Synchronicity! They serve to provide tangible evidence that this entire journey of cancer and life is of divine origin and direction.

God is good!

Hair today, gone tomorrow

2011-04-27T21:32:00.003-05:00

Lauren is downstairs working with wigs. She must have 5 or 6 wigs already. Human hair wigs, fun wigs, sassy wigs, long ones, short ones, blonde ones, red ones, brunette ones and more.

Most importantly, her spirits, which were on a HIGH note last night after getting that ultra sassy rock star hair cut and leopard print job took another hit as she found that most of her hair fell out today.

Yet, divine timing being what it is----the miracle train pulls into the station RIGHT ON TIME!!

The wigs starting showing up today of all days. Pure coincidence? Or, as my father-in-law calls it, "God-incidence." Not at all. Divine timing.

Lauren is feeling so loved. So lovely. These wigs are so realistic that she is actually believing that she is this naturally beautiful, gorgeous person. The person we ALL know her to be, but the person she was doubting still existed inside of her with no hair.

Well, let me tell you that THAT person is BACK!

I cannot wait for you to see all the new photos coming soon.

Watch out world, cuz Lauren is back on the block!

Hair loss or hair choice?

2011-04-27T06:46:00.009-05:00

Princess Lauren was not feeling well. The skies were grey and seemed to press down upon her. "I need to breathe! I need to ride," she cried to her startled ladies.

Trees swished by at great speeds, the wind in her face. Up ahead she spied what appeared to be a monastery of sorts. Princess Lauren saw a sign out front---a drawing of a Halo.
Quickly reigning in her mount, Princess Lauren was on the ground and walking towards the door before her riders had even stopped.
"M'lady, what is this place?" Sir Chris of Martin asked.
"Sir Chris, the best part about a new journey is finding out what lies ahead. Unwrapping the package is half the fun."

As they entered, they practically bowled over the two women and a man who were waiting, as though they had been expecting her!
"Welcome to Halo. In this place, we have exactly what you need. Come in," smiled Lady Jennifer of Halo.

A wave of emotion rode hard throughout Princess Lauren's body as she realized that the load she has been carrying these past few weeks had begun to take its toll. These heavy feelings of sadness had everything to do with her hair loss.
Who would have ever imagined that losing something would add such a burden?

And it was clear, that Halo was a place designed to restore a woman's soul.

"I will go first, m'lady. To ensure your safety," Sir Chris of Martin.
And with that, Sir Chris was whisked off to a chair, helmet removed and head shaved completely.
"Sir Chris! What have you done?" cried out Princess Lala.
"Princess, if you lose your hair, then I shall lose mine. Mine will stay gone until yours grows back."

Halo magicians, Sir Kellen and Mistress Rachel took Princess Lauren by the arms and led her to the center of the shop where their magic unfolded.
As she felt their ministering upon her head, Princess Lauren quietly sobbed, "I thought I could do this. But I look like a freak. Prince Dillon comes this weekend and I will be bald and he will no longer want me."

Her ladies and men crowded around her and uttered reassurances while one pulled his cell phone out and texted Prince Dillon, "Your lady needs you. She fears her loss of hair makes her hideous. Call her."

Immediately, the phone in Princess Lauren's lap vibrated. She saw Prince Dillon's name yet she hesitated to answer. Then, throwing back her head, taking a deep breath, she smiled and answered.

Princess Lauren heard a voice singing, "When I see your face
There's not a thing that I would change
Cause you're amazing
Just the way you are
And when you smile,
The whole world stops and stares for awhile
Cause girl you're amazing
Just the way you are." ("Just The Way You Are" by Bruno Mars.)

Tears streaming down Princess Lauren's cheeks, she closed the phone. "Spirit me away to a new place," she commanded. Sir Kellen and Mistress Rachel of Halo smiled, smacked palms together and began.

The skies, which had been grey and lifeless all day, suddenly lightened to an azure blue matching Princess Lauren's eyes.

As they neared the end of the transformation, Sir Kellen leaned in to Princess Lauren and whispered, "My family is old, Princess. And we have known many things, including the bite of the Evil Serpent. I know what death looks like and smells like. You do not have that look. Nor its smell. I tell you, you shall be healed. All is well, my Princess."

Princess Lauren felt a weight fall off her. Heads shaved in unity, secrets shared, a glorious day unfolded and a song sung that restored her faith---"This is truly a day of magical beginnings," smiled Princess Lauren. "The magic healing powers of Halo shall be known throughout my lands."

Dear readers, in each of our worlds, there are places of respite, places where we need to go in times of great distress. For Lauren yesterday, Halo Salon in Fort Worth proved to be such a place. The smiles and warmth emanating from within made clear to all who walk by that Halo is more than a salon, it is a place where one who feels lost can be found again. Where magic comes from their skilled hands, but also from their smiles, their soothing touch and the inner knowledge of extra magical beings like Sir Kellen.

I hope that all of you who face such a crisis in your own lives can find peace in such a place. Princess Lauren did and it transformed her sadness over hair loss into gladness at hair artistry; her grey skies to blue.

Such a day is worth living.

Hair loss---it begins

2011-04-25T17:58:00.003-05:00

Hair Loss
We are only into the first 10 days and already Princess Lauren is seeing some hair loss. Not a lot yet, but certainly way above normal daily loss. Such a personal insult on top of the indignity of being poked, prodded, pierced, radiated, chemo-ed, measured, weighed, interviewed by endless streams of healthcare personnel all asking the same questions ad nauseum.

Sometimes though, secretly, deep down inside, Lauren probably just wants to scream, "This is SO unfair! Why me? Why again? And on top of it all, now I have to lose my HAIR?? But it’s my identity! I’m a 20 year old girl! I won’t be pretty and no one will like me."

With my cancer, I found that these moments of fear, desperation, and raw feelings are normal. Does that make them ANY easier to deal with? Of course not. But as caregivers, it helps that both my wife and I have traveled this road previously--- both as patients as well as caregivers.

We hope that means we are somewhat prepared to handle and recognize a situation as it comes up. Perhaps yes? Perhaps not. Time will tell.

The real journey with cancer is ultimately, one taken alone---with our thoughts, fears, hopes, dreams, visions of ourselves, etc. What gives me the MOST hope for Lauren is her ability to rally from her scared moments.

Like this morning. Princess Lauren is getting ready right now for a TV interview with a local TV station that wants to learn how 3 people in the same family got cancer and yet found a way to stay positive throughout the ordeal. Positive, hopeful and deep believers that in the end, things would work out well and cancer-free!

How? The truth of that is-----one day at a time. One step at a time.
Fear is like fog. It creeps in and surrounds us like a stealth fighter………until suddenly, you are completely enveloped and lost.

Fear not! Love, hope, joy is the answer. Send these out in abundance to Princess Lauren and find that your fog is dissolving. Love is the answer! Love, hope and joy bring us into the light. Sunshine’s light! Won't you join her???

A Battle Cry!

2011-04-24T11:41:00.004-05:00

Princess Lauren of Larnia stands before her troops. Everyone is acutely aware of the challenge before them. They know they are outnumbered. They know they face death directly before them. They know that few have survived odds such as these. They know that the very real possibility exists that this shall mark the final days of their Sunshine Princess.
Yet here they stand, before her, ready to help, to shed their own lives for their Princess Lauren.

“Warriors, I stand before you not as your leader but as one of you. I too have hopes for a better life, to finish college, to be married, to raise a family, to see them be married and have their own children, to grow old with the one I love. But that time is not now.
Today we face an ancient and brutal enemy. One who has taken the lives of too many already. Will we be victorious? I know not. But what I DO know is that this fight, this battle will be taken directly into the heart of the enemy. He shall know that today he met his match in us. He shall know that no matter what he does, we will meet him. We will fight him. We will not fear him. We will use every weapon, every trick, and every tactic available to us to defeat him.
This enemy offers no negotiations for peaceful settlements, no offers to share the space. He is a virus! A parasite! This enemy is a vampire who wants only to suck our life force and take it as his own. He shall not be allowed to do this! I do not give him the right or the permission. I say to him, “You do not own me nor did you make me. My maker is of divine origin. From whom did YOU come? My creation was foretold. From where did you come? You may win a victory or two against us, but you WILL NOT win this war! If I fail to beat you today, then I shall rise up-----again and again and again to slay you. I will not stop until you can no longer invade us or make us fear you. I will unmask you and show the world that you are NOT who you say you are---you are NOT all powerful. You are merely a leech sucking life and we will squish you.”
Warriors----stand ready. What awaits us is the ultimate victory---over fear and death. Rise up with LOVE. Rise up with HOPE! Rise up with the knowledge that YOU are divine warriors in a divine battle and that YOU can create your own positive outcomes. If we do these things together, we will win!”

Electricity and Divine Love

2011-04-24T10:33:00.003-05:00

Ever been shocked after walking across the floor in socks and touching someone else? You get shocked and so does the other person. Electricity travels through you and into whomever you come touch.

The human body is an amazing electrical conductor. To see our heart rate and rythmns we hook up to an ECG. To see our brains waves, we use electrodes to view and record our EEG.

Why is this even remotely important to Lauren and her cancer?

Because, to me, the manner in which our own body communicates with us is of divine origin. God uses electricity to communicate through us and to allow us to connect to others. The point of this is, (Thank you God.....he is finally getting to it! lol) that the power of your prayers and the affects they have upon our lives is facilitated through these divine electrical impulses.

I share this insight because I want you to BELIEVE in your ability to be HEALERS. Healing comes through love. Love is an intense feeling that can be physically sensed by others. We get a "charge" out of being newly in love, don't we?

How does this help Princess Lauren?
Through YOU!

As you believe, your faith, your hope, your love is transmitted electrically until it comes in contact with a "receptor"---another human being.
Once there, it provides an electrical shock-a wake-up call of sorts. And the, a choice is made.

Questions can be raised---
"Why did this happen?"
"What do I do now?"
"How should I respond?"
"Where did this come from?"
"What is my purpose?"

All excellent questions that may a simple and divine answer----to spread LOVE and HOPE.

We are ALL CONNECTED. All of us. We are divine creatures created in His image and created with Love and Hope. God experiences human life through us. His miracles occur through his divine interactions with human beings----and it is the 'human angels' among us who perform the miracles. God uses humans to perform God's work.

Remember the story about the man on the roof of his flooded home? He prays to God to save him and God assures him He will. A canoe comes by and offers help but the man refuses cuz, "God will save me."
A powerboat appears and the boat owner says, "Get in." The man refuses again saying, "God will save me."
Finally a helicopter shows up and drops a rope ladder. "Climb up and be saved" shouts the pilot. Once more the man refuses because God will save him.
The clouds part, a beam of white light shines down on the man's face and he KNOWS this is THE moment he has waited for.
God speaks, "I sent you a canoe, a boat and a helicopter. What are you waiting for??"

FEAR not, Sunshine Warriors. You are the HUMAN ANGELS! You have within you the power to deliver miracles. Be an electrical transmitter.
Send love, send Hope, send Joy out into the world and rejoice in the miracles they create. Because of YOU. Through you. And unto you.

Now is the time.
Lauren's cancerous tumors are the place.

It is in this manner that earthly miracles occur. God directs us to be the creator of His miracles.
Will you accept His request to do so?

Princess Lauren of Larnia--our Sunshine Warrior

2011-04-23T15:09:00.004-05:00

Princess Lauren has been bitten in the chest by the Evil Serpent. His poisonous bite has shot venom deep into her lungs creating deadly cancerous tumor everywhere it touches. Princess Lauren of Larnia has many weapons and armies at her disposal ready and willing to sacrifice themselves to save her life.

Her resources include but are not limited to an army called Lala’s Soldiers whose ranks swell each day with more and more volunteers, armed and ready. She also has two other armies---one white and one black. These balanced forces are made up of different cells in her body that fight off infection and foreign invaders. The white army is compromised of the white blood cells. The black army is the body’s Special Forces---these are the Natural Killer Cells which track down and kill hidden cancer cells wherever they may be. Combined, these are powerful and potent fighting forces.

Princess Lala is no mere mortal and ordinary princess. She is of an ancient and sacred line of rulers with specialized knowledge to help their cause in this battle. Princess Lauren has a special affinity with all living creatures and these stand at the ready. She has drafted two types of Dragon to help remove the poisonous venom from her body. One of the dragons blows radioactive fire to burn away the tumors. The other dragon spray an acidic liquid which melts the tumors away.

But there is still one more extremely powerful piece of knowledge that has been passed down in her family from sacred source to sacred source, (like one shaman/healer to another, father to son, in ancient times.
That knowledge is 'how to transform cancer cells into healthy living cells.'

Drawing upon teachings from the far east, Princess Lauren is using Ayurvedic medicine (which in Sanskrit means, “complete knowledge for long life.”)
Princess Lauren puts every weapon at her disposal and combines them in a delicate balance of Sunshine Warriors, soldiers, armies and dragons with energies from her legion of Lala’s Soldiers----LOVE, HOPE and JOY. She carefully mixes these because in truth, it is the BALANCE that is most important.

These energies ignite into a passionate flame which can cut through the Evil Serpent's venomous egg cells in her lungs and either transform them or melt them away to be flushed out of her body naturally.

I see an army of guardian angels hovering over Lauren’s bed as she fights off the Evil Serpent's kiss. The guardians smile lovingly and then reach out to touch her; their thoughts coming together in her mind. In this manner, they communicate with her divine self to let her know she, like ALL of us, is protected and with the help of her armies and her soldiers, can beat this cancer.

But Princess Lala’s true secret weapon is HERSELF. Her positive attitude and belief of, “Mom, I got this. I will not die. I got this, Mom” is the single most potent weapon at her disposal.

We can help.
We can do this.
She can lead us and show us how.
LOVE and HOPE is what binds us together. Visualize laser beams of love leaving your heart and entering directly into hers. This is powerful imagery. Believe in your ability to do this. Believe it completely and thoroughly. Summon God’s healing powers to work THROUGH YOU!

Happy Easter, everyone. Transform. Arise. Be gone death!

Neale Donald Walsch weighs in........(sorta)

2011-04-21T15:38:00.002-05:00

I received this email today and it seems to be a picture perfect reminder to ME.
(One of the challenges of facing a disease like cancer is the uncertainty and fear that creep back in like too small underwear. Intrusive and just a genuine pain the butt!)

NDW wrote,
"...that just when it looks like life is falling apart, it may

be falling together for the first time.

I have learned to trust the process of life, and not so

much the outcome. Destinations have not nearly as

much value as journeys.

So maybe you should let things fall apart at this

juncture if that's what's happening. Don't hang on so

tenaciously. The nice thing about things falling apart is

that you can pick up only the pieces that you want..."

Think about this. Reflect upon it. if it has meaning for you FANTASTIC! Joy is in what we find. Hope comes wrapped in many different packages of many colors and shapes and LOVE defines us all!

Shield of Love

2011-04-21T14:34:00.003-05:00

My sister Carol sent Princess Lauren, leader of the Sunshine Warriors a huge shield as protection against cancer. It is covered front and back with family photos, animal totems, symbols, quotations of strength, resolve, courage and healing. There is also an envelope on the front with a pouch that contains slips of paper for Lauren to write down 10 Things I Love About My Family.

The shield represents a symbol of protection of course, but the symbols and totems act as insights into her sources of strength, courage, inspiration and hope driven by the power of LOVE.

The native Americans belief that every animal represents a quality of character that is important to the person associated with that animal. Lauren's favorite animal is GORILLA. These are the characteristics associated with gorillas: Family-oriented, intelligence, strength, environmental protector, keeps peace through aggression.

If you know Lauren, then you know how well that describes her. (Not all of her because she is layered like an onion, but a lot of her.)

On another note, Lauren received yet another phone call from Lyle Lovett this morning. I am thinking that Prince Dillon should start to be concerned. :-)

These phone callas are clearly well beyond the level of "doing something nice for someone else." He is obviously drawn to the light of Lauren as is everyone who knows her.

Love this kid!!!

Keep the prayers coming, keep playing Lyle Lovett tunes (especially for those of you out of state, "That's Right (You're Not From Texas)" playing and downloading and enjoy this gift of life we are all given. It is special, frail and full of promise. Please---for Lauren's sake, try to live up to the PROMISE of YOU!

miracle?

2011-04-20T22:02:00.002-05:00

It occurred to me as I was thinking about this post that there were no miracles to report today. And I was both sad as well as disappointed.

Yet there is an insight I received that is important to share because it is applicable to many of us in this MARATHON:

My being sad about that was both an indication of how jaded I am becoming re: Lauren's continued ability to manifest miracles as well as my expectation that there would BE a miracle each and every day.She has had so many, why not one each and every day, darn it! :-)

And that's when it hit.......my definition of a miracle was off kilter.

Perhaps the real miracle today is as simple yet profound that there is NO worsening. And a second miracle is that there IS a gradual improvement (almost imperceptible) in Lala's breathing according to Dr Heym.

So, miracle of miracle---they continue to be manifested by our Sunshine Warrior.

Lauren update

2011-04-20T21:52:00.002-05:00

This morning about 5:30, Lauren woke me up saying she had blood on her from the PIC line. (The lines inserted in her arm for chemo.) Sure enough, the line had been disturbed and was slowly leaking blood. Nothing major, but scary nonetheless.

Lauren handled it like a trooper.....that is until we got to doctor office and they had to pull surgical tape off her arm---including her arm hair. Ouch. Ouch. Ouch.

Poor thing. But her smile came back immediately and she instantly related her latest Lyle Lovett story and how she felt she had to make him wait while she got her medical checkup and would text him later.

This kid has me falling in love with her again and again I re-discover her specialness (to coin a word).

Lauren you touch me, you touch our family, you touch the entire network of Lala's Soldiers, you got Lyle Lovett to both call you (twice!) AND to become a Lala's Soldier!

That's right.....Lyle Lovett was going to join the group for Lauren!

Look how this special girl has touched virtually everyone whose path she crosses!

Gotta love her. Just gotta!!

Keep the energy, love and hope flowing y'all!
This when the magic happens. From this point forward!

love is the answer!

medical miracles from a doctor's POV

2011-04-19T20:45:00.005-05:00

Dr Heym, Princess Lauren's oncologist came by to see her prior to discharging her. When he last saw Lauren it was Thursday and Lauren was at her lowest. As he left the hospital that day, he thought, "She will not be here when I get back. She will have died." (He confided this to us today, now that Lauren is doing so much better.)

He went on to say, "When I told you that you would be in the ICU for about a month and then go to the H/O floor for another month, I was being conservative. If you survived, I felt it would be a lot longer. And yet, here you are ONE week later and I am discharging you from the hospital."

Dr Heym loves Lauren to the point where he agreed to shave his head bald in support of her.

Later on, Dr Heym said, I am a man of science and I am also a man of faith. What has happened to you to improve cannot be explained or proven scientifically. Yet I have listened to your lungs and you are breathing better. I don't hear wheezing, I don't hear a bad cough. WHY has your tumor shrunk? I cannot prove that by way of science. But the clinical evidence is clear---you have had a miracle."

In one day Lauren get a phone call from Lyle Lovett, (and then calls him back accidentally and HANGS UP on him cuz she gets so embarrassed) and has Dr Heym telling her there is no way to PROVE scientifically what has happened. But he sees it, he hears it.

Moral of the story:
science can only take us so far, faith, love and hope take us the rest of the way.

Thank you, Sunshine Warriors! Your love, your hope, your faith is making the difference. Please continue cuz there are dark days ahead and we will need to be reminded of the light.

Friends of Lauren , be our light and guide us.

Lala's Soldiers---the Sunshine Warriors

2011-04-18T22:10:00.004-05:00

This warrior is one of the most battle hardened warriors we have. He has helped someone fight off breast cancer. He has also fought off prostate cancer and then helped a third person survive a heart attack! He knows what he is doing!!

Princess Lala's Sunshine Warriors, her soldiers, come in all shapes and sizes. It matters not your size, your shape, your color, your gender, your species. What matters is the answer to this simple question:

"Can you pray and do you have LOVE and HOPE within you?"

Answer yea, and we gladly accept you as one of the many Sunshine Warriors. There are now close to 1750 warriors and we need 2000 by tomorrow!

Please, please and please...if you are on FB tonight, Monday night, add TWO people. Just TWO people.

HOW? Go the right side of the page for Lala's Soldiers and click "Add friends to the group". Type in their name and click on it. DONE!!

(be confident you know them and that they would want to help another person.)

2000 by tomorrow night.
3000 by Friday night.
10,000 by the end of the month.

10,000 Sunshine Warriors----Lala's Soldiers!

10, 000-----can you feel the power of All of US for ONE?!!

Princess Lauren--The Saga continues

2011-04-18T21:05:00.005-05:00

As you recall, Princess Lauren had been bitten by a poisonous snake. His fangs sinking directly into her chest which affected her breathing, making it nearly impossible Princess Lauren was slowly strangling to death. The snake also shot in acidic deposits that were eating away her lungs.

Her physicians had no idea what to do so, as a last resort, they tried intensive and very risky radiation. Thank God, it seemed to work because Lauren's breathing improved and kept improving.
In fact, her breathing became so good, that she was moved out of the intensive care unit and up to the floor where the more "normal" cancer patients were staying.

She was told, that once up here, her stay on this floor would last somewhere between 3-5 weeks. But Princess Lauren is no mere mortal princess. She comes from an ancient and revered line of princesses with magical powers and ability to manifest that which she believes in deeply and completely.

As Lauren lay sleeping last night, she had a dream. Three angels were watching over her, protecting her and shielding her from further harm. Uriel, Gabriel and Raphael were gathered at her head, her chest and her feet, wings fully spread, hands out and hovering over her body.

"See how peacefully she sleeps," whispered Raphael."There are others who need me. Will you two stay and continue protecting Lauren?"
"Why are you leaving, Raphael? She is still fighting her cancer," said Uriel.

Gabriel smiled at Uriel then turned and looked peacefully upon the dreaming Lauren.
"Lauren, hear my voice in your dreams. We will protect you. We will watch over you. You need not fear.Your love and hope are the means by which you have transformed this cancer. Know that you have within you the power to continue your healing. Feel the truth of this as I speak it into being," Gabriel prayed into her sleeping body.

Uriel looked at Lauren who was smiling in her sleep.
"She's got this, " Uriel beamed, white light streaming out of his hands and into her heart.
"She will not die. She's got this. Her journey will be very hard and excrutiatingly difficult. But Lauren will be a new leader--fearless and full of love and hope. She will change this world. You have been chosen by God. You have been touched by the hand of God and now it is time to fully realize Who You Really Are and all that that means."

Raphael spread his wings, breathing in the scents of the evening air and smiled lovingly at Lauren before floating away. "Lauren I have always loved you. I loved you before I knew you for it was foretold. You are one of the special ones, Lauren. Now live your full purpose. Fear not. You will be fully healed."

Lauren stirred in her sleep, her body moving uneasily, her lips twitched. Uriel and Gabriel leaned in to hear her words, "I got this, Mom. I will not die. I got this."
-------------------------------------
Lauren faces a very rough road ahead. Her tumors are many and they are huge. They need to be shrunk, if possible, dissolved hopefully and removed surgically if that can be done. What Lauren has done so far is NOTHING short of miraculous! Her doctors are in awe of her. Word of her powers to spontaneously heal is already spreading. People who do not know Lauren are reaching out to her and offering love and encouragement.

"Live Lauren, " they write. "Live for me. What you are doing gives me strength to KNOW that I can face my own problems. I KNOW I can do this because YOU did it. I am afraid no more. Thank you for being my guide"

our own American Idol--Princess Lauren

2011-04-18T07:35:00.003-05:00

Lauren talked with American Idol contestant Tim Halperin last night on her cell. He called because he heard about our Princess and her Sunshine Warriors.
He is coming to play and sing to her on the 28th at Cook Children's.

So-----who knows any TV producers??

Who agrees with me that a human interest story about an unbelievably brave, courageous, BEAUTIFUL, sweet person that is fighting a terminal cancer for the THIRD time would not be inspirational to the entire WORLD??

Sunshine Warriors----y'all keep asking, "What can I do? Tell me."

You can help us network! If you don't know someone who is a TV show producer (think Oprah, Ellen Degeneres, Montel, Good Morning America) then think if someone You know knows someone else.

Six degrees of Kevin Bacon!! Let's get to HIM!

We can do this. We just need love (check)), hope (check), spirit (check), inspiration (double check)and direction. TV is our next step.

Help get Lauren's story on TV!
We need mass communicating!

UPDATE

2011-04-17T19:06:00.001-05:00

EXCELLENT NEWS----Princess Lauren has been transferred out of the ICU and is now on the Hem/Onc floor. In a room with a view of the trees. She is up and walking around, feeling pretty darn good. And please remember that this is the same person who was believed to have been ready to die on Tuesday.

She is literally a medical miracle!!!

But also believe me when I tell you that we are FAR from though these woods, yet. These tumors are many and they are huge. If we are not successful in shrinking them...and soon..then......... (I cannot write that because I refuse to accept the possibility.) I have HOPE.

Touched by an Angel

2011-04-17T14:13:00.002-05:00

On Tuesday, when things looked their most bleak and dire, Lauren had a visitor.
Jake Baugh came by to see her on her darkest day.

He has known Lauren for YEARS! Jake knows loss. His grandfather died about 9 years ago from low-voltage electrocution.

After visiting with Lauren, who was pretty much zonked from drugs, he walked over to the window and placed his ball cap on the sill. As he turned to leave he said to me,
"This cap was my grandfather's. He has been watching over me all these years. Now he will watch over Lauren."

And with that, he left. No fanfare. No large demonstration.

Jake, we all thank you! You show us how to live and how to be.
Thank you.

Inspirational!

2011-04-17T14:02:00.003-05:00

Late last night, after the crowds had dwindled, Melanie and Lauren were alone in the ICU room.

Lauren said, "Mom, I want you to know I understand everything that is happening to me. I know that the doctors say I might die. I know I am going to lose my hair. I know that this is going to be painful and hurt for a long time. But I got this. I am not going to die. I got this!"

And that was the speech that we have been waiting for---our fighter, our secret weapon Princess Lala letting us know she was in control of her life and her outcome and no one need fear! it won't be easy. There WILL be dark days ahead. There will be pain and suffering. But there is LIGHT. And JOY. And HOPE. Because of LOVE.

YOU have helped and continue to help with love and hope.

Keep it coming because we need it in gigantic doses!

Thank you
Thank you
Thank you

The Chronicles of Larnia-new adventures

2011-04-17T07:44:00.005-05:00

Princess Lauren felt the cold splash of saltwater on her face. The waves were crashing much higher now, the sky still painted blackish-green. The 3 masted schooner was being tossed around like a ping pong ball in a lottery jar.
"Step right up folks. Take your chances. Guess which numbered ball comes up and you're a winner!"

Suddenly the ship was hit broadside by a 20 foot crashing wave and nearly sunk the ship.
"Princess," her senior advisor yelled in her ear, "We are going to be swamped. These seas are higher and more angry than we have ever seen. No one can survive this storm. Even if we could sail the ship, we don't know where we are. These are uncharted waters."

Princess Lauren paused for a second and then smiled. A Lauren smile. A beautiful, beaming "I-love-you-and-you-are-special-to-me-smile".
"Admiral, do you know the BEST part of being in uncharted waters? You don't have to follow some other person's map or their ideas of how to get there. You can create your own!"

Dear readers, that is EXACTLY what happened to Lauren yesterday. The nurse was talking with Melanie and me. The nurse, Jessica, looked in the window of Lauren's room, talking with friends and not using the breathing tubes and said, "She is breathing on her own! She gets so much life from all this love. And she gives out so move love. It just pours out of her! When I saw her Tuesday, I was very worried. I didn't think she would make it through the day. But look at her now. All of the nurses in ICU keep coming by to just look at her through the window. She is such an inspiration to us. None of us and none of the doctors have ever seen this happen before. She gives us such hope to deal with our other patients because she is such a miracle."

"It's choice, not chance, that determines your destiny." Jean Nidetch

'All you need is love.'
'Nothing is real and nothing to get hung about.'
'Get by with a little help from your friends.'
'Maybe I'm amazed at the way you help me sing my song, right me when I'm wrong, maybe I'm amazed at the way you really love me.'
(Beatles lyrics)

Fortunes

2011-04-16T22:11:00.005-05:00

Princess Lala had special visitors come to court today. They arrived and were served in the gracious manner that Princess Lauren of Larnia was renowed for doing. Food was brought in from the Orient with magical spices, smells and flavors. At the end of the meal, as was the custom in the East, fortune cookies were served. However, only 3 were available and the servers were prostrate with apologies.

The fortunes read were:
"A sound mind and healthy body bring many happy events to your family."

"The best times of your life have not yet been lived."

"You will soon emerge victorious from the maze you've been traveling in."

Dear readers, these are ACTUAL fortunes received at lunch today by the 3 people eating together who came to visit Princess Lala. They were Shanleigh (one of Lauren's best friends from little itty bitty childhood and early soccer teams), her sister and her mom. We have known this family for many many years. Shanleigh is a 4th daughter to us and she and Lauren are roommates at college.

How cool are these fortunes??

Who said God does not work in mysterious ways to bring you the truth and the HOPE you seek?

The Chronicles of Larnia and Princess Lala

2011-04-16T07:32:00.004-05:00

As you recall, our hero, Princess Lauren of Larnia had been bitten in the chest and lungs by a poisonous snake. Her physicians, the best in all the land were worried and asked Lauren’s family to come immediately. They needed to be prepared if the snake bite proved fatal. But Princess Lauren, once again demonstrated why SHE is the leader of the Sunshine Warriors. She rose above her illness, found HOPE and received LOVE and used that energy to make her tumor shrink the teensiest, tiniest little bit………..enough to improve her breathing and her coloring.
The saga continues…………….

Princess Lauren awoke the next day. Her breathing continued to be as good as the day before (which in and of itself is a miracle.) Her physicians came by to talk with Princess Lala and her family.
“The tumor is large, covering the entire upper portion of her lungs. It is aggressive, nasty and unlike any we have seen before. The other tumors similar to this one have never shown such rapid growth. There are lots of things we can try to do—chemo, radiation and be very aggressive with those things. But ultimately, there is only so much medical magic we have to work with on this. And you need to be prepared.”

The doctors weren’t mean people or heartless. It was clearly evident in their eyes and their smiles that they too, had become enchanted with Princess Lala, leader of the Sunshine Warriors. And who could blame them? She is vivacious. Beautiful. Charming. Funny. A songbird with a siren’s voice (with none of the sinister aspects of their voices.) Her single most captivating feature was her smile. When Princess Lauren looked at you, (and she looked upon everyone whose path she crossed with equal levels of love and caring) she would smile a smile that could melt the stoniest heart.

It was said, in the land of Larnia, that there was once a man, old and wearied from living too long alone. He was bitter and angry from having no one in his life to talk to other than his gold. Bent and crippled from bearing the weight of his anger all those lonely years. One day, Princess Lauren was out riding far from her castle, in woods she didn’t recognize. She spied an old man in the distance and rode closer to speak with him. As she neared, her horse whinnied, nervous about the negative energy emanating from the old man’s body. The old man saw them approach and gathered his angry strength to scream and curse at her to get off his land when Princess Lauren smiled, “Hi!”

The smile spread across her face; her eyes softened and all the love in her body poured out of her and splashed over the old man like a baptismal. Similar to a sinner who has seen God, he fell to his knees, gasping for breath and said, “I have seen an angel!”
He stood, straight and strong for the first time in decades, the weight of his anger released from his body.
“Whoever you are Princess, surely you are a miracle!”
From that day forward, the old man began to give his money, his time and his energy to those in need, especially children and young adults who were sick and felt lost and alone. The more he gave away, the straighter and taller he became. He learned that giving away what you have is the only way to increase what you have. (It is this dichotomy that has always confused mankind.)

Meanwhile, back at the castle, Princess Lala lies in her chambers, hooked to wires, tubes, breathing apparatii, sensors, gauges and dials, controls and knobs, bells and buzzers, hooks and switches. She looks like the dashboard of a fancy Italian sports car.

A medical technician came in, “Time for today’s x-ray, Princess.” When he reviewed the x-ray an hour later, he was shocked. It couldn't be! Reaching quickly for the x-ray from the previous day, he compared them. Checking them a second time and a third---there was no mistake. Somehow, someway, in some magical manner, Princess Lala’s tumor had once again shrunk the teensiest, tiniest bit. There was NO doubt of it! They had proof.

And that, dear readers what happened in day 3 of our saga, Princess Lauren of Larnia, Sunshine Warrior.

Help us! Help yourself while you wonder how you can help.
Take photos of you wearing Sunshine Soldier outfits.
Photograph your kids in their costumes.
Take pics of your pets, your toys, your dolls.
Make a video of warrior characters fighting cancer and kicking its ass.
Go on FaceBook and get 10 of your friends to join LALA’S SOLDIERS! This is crucial to our battle plan.
If everyone got just 10 of their own friends to join, pretty soon Princess Lauren’s army of Sunshine Warriors would be in the tens of thousands! Can you imagine the power of 10,000 Sunshine Warriors?

What magic could the love and hope of 10,000 warriors bring? The answer is simple----
It would bring a MIRACLE.

Every Picture Tells a Story

2011-04-15T22:21:00.002-05:00

One afternoon, Princess Lala was walking through a wooden glen near the castle when she severely twisted her ankle. Not having her horse or handmaidens to help her, Princess Lala did not envy herself the limping back to the castle.

"May I help?" a deep voice asked. Through the brush stepped Lala's prince.
"Um...sure. Uh, who are YOU?" Lala asked, trying desperately not to stutter, stammer or drool.
"I am Prince Dillon. Let me help, m'lady."

Without another word, Dillon swept in, wrapped her ankle securely between some branches and cloth he tore off his tunic. Then, picking Lala up like the dainty flower she is, he easily carried her back to the castle.

"Oh, Prince Dillon. How can I ever thank you?" swooned Princess Lala.
"A smile is all I require dear lady. And please know, that whatever your heart desires is yours. I fell in love with you the instant I saw you. Those eyes. That smile. You melted my heart and I fear I will never be the same again. I'm yours."

Dear readers, Dillon was one of the main people to step up and help Lauren decide to go through with chemo. When Lauren initially freaked out over losing her hair (and for good and obvious reasons) Dillon texted her saying in effect, "Hair grows back. No worries. But I love YOU and your real beauty lies within you. That's what I love."

As a dad trying desperately to help his daughter navigate a disease that may kill her, ya gotta love anyone who loves his Princess Sunshine.

XRay confirmation!

2011-04-15T17:20:00.004-05:00

We received X-ray confirmation that her tumor has shrunk! A teeny tiny bit-but shrunk, nonetheless!

Her breathing has improved and her color looks better and she FEELS better.

The power of the spirit is helping Princess Lala is helping heal everyone involved.

The Warrior Princess is helping everyone deal with all of the many and varied issues that lay before Lala, us and all involved.

So, we look for tiny miracles.....little bits of light. Within the light lies HOPE!

Long live Princess Lala!

The saga continues. A Chronicles of Larnia update

2011-04-14T22:50:00.011-05:00

Princess Lauren, leader of the Sunshine Warriors, decided to go out walking one day. She walked deeply into the woods, leaving her castle far behind. The sun lay hidden behind the clouds. A cold breeze swirled through the air, making the leaves rustle. Princess Lauren pulled her cloak tightly around her shoulders as she pressed on. The wind seemed to sing a song whose words lured Lauren forward like a siren’s call.

Lauren started towards the sounds but then paused.

“Who are you? By what right do you call me?”

“I am that which beckons all who fear. Are you afraid of me?”

“No,” Princess Lauren replied. “Show me your face. Who are you?”

“I am death, your highness. I am the temptress. Once before I faced you but you vanquished me. This time, it shall be----much more special," the seductively dangerous voice slithered.

Princess Lauren took a step forward, squared her shoulders, tossed back her golden mane, hand on her sword's hilt, “I know you. You are FEAR and nothing more than an illusion."Lauren turned her back and began to walk away.

The evil serpent slid closer, scales screeching across the stones like fingernails along a blackboard. “Princess Lauren" he hissed, "My poison shall make you weak and wear you down. The more you struggle against me, the stronger I will become. You will be exhausted by the battle and THAT'S when I will win!”

Princess Lauren shuddered at the thought.
”If I answer, I give him power." Princess Lauren of Larnia tried to step around the evil one.

Suddenly the snake struck. Its fangs sunk deeply into her chest, striking her lungs but missing her heart. The snake slunk away but paused long enough to gloat. “I have won, Princess. You cannot beat me now. My poison lives inside of you and there is no getting around THAT!”

Princess Lauren, scared and tired, turned and raced back to the castle. Flinging herself into the main courtyard she called for her best physicians. “I have been bitten. He struck me here, in the center of my chest. Save me.”

And with that, she fell forward and stopped moving.

Her physicians labored long and hard, calling upon all the doctor magic they knew, and some they had never dared try. They filled her body with chemicals; they tried to burn the poison out of her body but it had curled itself around her lungs and made it nearly impossible to breathe.

"That's my way," whispered the snake in Lauren's mind. "I have created a noose that tightens ever more strongly and closes down the openings to your lungs. This is the first step in my plan to kill you."

The snake’s magic was very strong and the doctors were afraid. They weren't at all certain they could beat it. They called Princess Lauren’s family and told them to prepare themselves; to make their plans. Surely Lauren would not live.

As Princess Lauren lay there, seemingly dead, she dreamed. She felt a presence like that of welcoming light filling her entire body. The soft touch, like that of her mother's hand, stroked and soothed the worry lines in her forehead--easing her brow. The brilliant white light warmed her and gave her strength.

“Would you like to come to me, Lauren? Are you ready to rest?” the golden voice whispered.
“No," she shouted. "I will not let some stupid snake with some stupid poison beat me. Love and hope CANNOT be beaten.”

Lauren's will to live was like a beacon call to her Sunshine Warriors. Their love arced from their heart to hers, flooding her with light, love and hope. In the hospital room, the doctors watched as their tests and monitors showed them that Lauren’s breathing was improving.

“That can’t be! The tumor is too large. It couldn’t shrink in just ONE day! It’s impossible.”

And yet, dear readers, that is EXACTLY what happened today in the ICU with Princess Lauren, leader of the SUNSHINE WARRIORS. Her breathing improved.
The pulmonologist who examined her said there is only ONE possible explanation-----her tumor must be getting a little bit SMALLER. And that shrinkage is allowing just enough oxygen to get in to her lungs to give her energy and strength.

This is what happened tonight.

This is TRUE! Our first miracle!

Everyone, PLEASE help Lauren fight the rest of this fight.

Be SUNSHINE WARRIORS!

Go to FB and join the group Lala’s Soldiers!

Post photos of YOU in warrior garb!

Join her army and be part of this mission against cancer.

Make a video and post it on YouTube.

Help it go viral.

Send the link to everyone you know.

Ask them to send it to everyone THEY know. And so on and son and so on…………

LOVE and HOPE beat cancer.

Fear is an illusion and Lauren is living proof of that.

Be the miracle for her and post your photo, post your video and show the world that cancer has no chance where love and hope exist. This is our belief. Help us live it!

Princess Lauren of Larnia, Sunshine Warrior

2011-04-14T06:29:00.007-05:00

The kingdom of Princess Lauren lives far, far away in a land of shifting sands where nothing stands in the same place for long. The people who live in Larnia have long felt fear at the perilous nature of shifting sands, but Princess Lauren has provided grace, beauty and wisdom in how to deal with shifting sands.

"Choose to see them as inconsequential," she offers, deftly dodging yet another potential mishap. "It's all in how you approach things."
Smiling one of her sunshine smiles (these smiles should be patented and sold for real gold--not the kind you buy off late-night TV commercials that can make your fingers turn green), Princess Lauren lives her life in a manner that allows her Warrior army to see her as the true leader she is.

One day, Princess Lauren noticed her breathing becoming heavy, difficult and combined with lots of coughing. No stranger to physical pain, Princess Lauren thought it to be mere flu or bad cold combined with allergies. She gave it not but a second thought and continued to live life fully in the Light.

But lo, dark days loomed ahead. Creeping in like vampires stealthily seeking bodies to feast upon, cancer stalked Princess Lauren once again. This time, however, it was stronger and much more deadly.

Luckily for Princess Lauren and her Sunshine Warriors, they have faced this villain before and they knew the most powerful weapons against cancer were LOVE and HOPE.

The secret to LOVE and HOPE is to give it away.
Holding on makes these weapons disappear, feel weak and ineffective and allows FEAR to creep insidiously into our lives.
Share LOVE and HOPE and they spread like an eagle's wings and SOAR!

As we know, our Princess Lauren is no mere mortal Princess. Lauren is from an ancient order of Princesses with magical powers and knowledge. Princess Lauren could call up LOVE and HOPE in times of great worry and fear and offer them to anyone who felt lost, alone or in distress.

Larnia faces another such an attack NOW!
Her Princess needs your help, your LOVE and HOPE!

But many ask, "What can I do ? HOW do I do that for her when I struggle to do that for myself?"

And the answer is simple---by giving LOVE and HOPE away it becomes ever more powerful within ourselves.
(It is this dichotomy that has often confused mankind.)

LOVE and HOPE grow stronger the more of them you give away.

SUNSHINE WARRIORS unite! Princess Lauren needs you. Here is HOW you can help:
Get photographed in warrior garb--whatever that image is to you!
Post your photos on Facebook! Make a YouTube video!
Spread the word and call on all Sunshine Warriors for the time to help is now.

THIS is how you beat cancer.
As John Candy said in STRIPES, just before going to battle the mud wrestling warriors, "Let's do it!!!"

Lauren says yes to chemo

2011-04-13T18:19:00.004-05:00

Chemotherapy starts tonight! The new regimen is chemotherapy and radiation. However surgery to remove the tumor after it shrinks a bit is out of the equation. The tumor is so wrapped around the bronchial tubes that removal is out. Now we focus on stopping tumor growth. Next---our ultimate goal: tumor shrinkage.

Keep the prayers coming. This is not a pretty picture even with the chemotherapy. This is nasty with not great possibilities. But there IS hope. So keep the love feast coming!!!

Thank you
Thank you
Thank you

Cancer ID

2011-04-13T14:51:00.003-05:00

It is peripheral nerve sheath tumor. Nasty, awful crap. Chemotherapy and radiation is the treatment. With hair loss guaranteed. Lauren is freaking out over the hair loss. Thus may sound silly to you, but to Lauren this is loss of self, loss of identity. And she is losing it. Sobbing.

Sadly, we do not have luxury of time and we need to choose therapy NOW!!!

Somehow Lauren thinks she can handle anything thrown at her except this!

Please send wisdom and strength to Lauren now!! She is an adult and doesn't want to choose but her indecision cannot last. And I don't know what to do. My daughter is feeling broken and lost at the very time she needs strength.

Pray for wisdom NOW! Strength now!

The Warrior Princess Saga

2011-04-13T14:10:00.003-05:00

Lauren had her needle biopsy. No results yet. But she handled the procedure with no difficulty! Amazing the doctors who were worried she may not make it through even that first step. Then she easily handled the transport to the radiation area. They had concerns about that, too. She breezed through the mapping procedure where they assess sphere to radiator and for how long. (mapping). No problem for our warrior princess. Mere mortals quiver at the thought. Not Lala No problemo!

She then conquered her first radiation while lying flat on her back. Again, another major worrywwas that she may have to elevated during radiation which could lessen the effects. But Lauren once again triumphed! The Chronicles of Larnia continue!!!

We are not out the woods by any stretch of the imagination but she continues to battle. She is the Warrior Princess! Our sunshine girl.

We hope to have the type of cancer id'd today and then can get a specific battle plan. Prayers are being felt and working. Please continue. We can ALL feel them!

The next two or three days will be very telling. This is serious, serious, serious. And we need your help. I never imagined I would be writing words with the possibility that I may have to imagine the worst.......and I refuse to do so noww. Here is always hope. Always. And with a warrior princesss like Lala in charge of her army of fighters, we are so ready to fight this.

Thank you
Thank you
Thank you

It is your love that fuels us. Your love that is our best weapon. Your love that can make the difference. Be positive. Stay hopeful. Send love.

ICU

2011-04-13T07:42:00.003-05:00

Lauren was moved to the ICU in the middle of the night due to breathing difficulties. Needle biopsy is still scheduled for sometime this AM. Visiting is a mess as you can imagine due to crowded nature of an ICU.

I printed off the picture of Lauren holding her sign she painted (during her first fight with cancer)which is posted on this blog entry. It is time to bring that fighter back! Lala, warrior princess starring in "The Chronicles of Lauren-ia".

Sunshine, this is YOUR story, YOUR life, but not your battle alone. You have an ARMY of helpers armed and ready to battle this with you. And we have been given some of the most potent, powerful arsenal God can create....we are armed with LOVE and HOPE!

Our battle strategy is simple...we shall ENVISION our enemy being swept away in a tide of love surrounded by empty fear. The colors will be shining, brilliant white light...divine white. These colors will strike fear into the very heart of the enemy and cut like a surgical laser, slicing through the ranks leaving the cancer only one thought, "How do I get the hell out of here NOW???"

Lala, as our Princess General, we need you to lead us with your grit, your determination, your sunshine smile. Only YOU can do that part.....WE can do the rest. But we need YOU!

And now my army of friends and family and loved ones, we need YOU!

Spread the word, sign up recruits, put out the word, get her on prayer lists.
The time is now.
The place is within your own heart.
The weapon is LOVE.
And the strategy is to visualize a healthy, happy, cancer-free Lauren, Sunshine Princess, general of her own body, holding sway over legions of cute teen-age boys as they flock to her, drawn in by her sparkle, her sunshine smile and her captivating presence. Completely unaware of her divine power to defeat cancer. But captivated nonetheless. After all, she IS a Sunshine Princess.

Love her!
See this image!
Make it real in your hearts and minds! You can do this and SHE can do this with our help. This is the way of all struggles we face on earth.

When two or more come together in My name........

That is our plan. A divine plan. Will you help?

It's cancer...........

2011-04-12T21:54:00.002-05:00

Just left hospital and it is cancer. The question is whether or not it s a return of her peripheral nerve sheath tumor or a new cancer entirely---lymphoma. Answer will come from her biopsy. Originally planned a surgical biopsy but now informed that due to extreme difficulty in breathing due to weight of mass on her lungs, they will do a needle biopsy so as to not encounter possible breathing/anesthesia problems.

So, we need a really good and accurate tissue sampling from needle biopsy.

Lauren is smiling. Lauren is laughing. Lauren cries a little. But mainly she is drawing strength from her family and her friends who are sending prayers of support and love. And Lauren sends love back out to them.

As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "It is one of the most beautiful compensations in life--we can never help another without helping ourselves."

I am asking you to help Lauren and to receive blessings in return. This is within the divine order of things. And that thought makes me smile.

To quote another wise person, (and those of you who know me will smile at this because I draw insights and parallels from the movies regularly); to paraphrase Jeff Bridges in STARMAN, "What I like most about your species is that when things are at their worst, you are at your best."

We humans rise to the occasion. And the occasion is now. The time is right. And your love and prayers are needed.

Love is the answer!
Thank you
Thank you
Thank you

The Good, the Bad and the Ugly

2011-04-11T18:01:00.004-05:00

It's April, 2011.
I have not written in some time and so much has transpired.

The GOOD:
I received TWO job offers last week: one with an oncology biotech company selling an oncological game-changing drug, the other with an oncology services provider. (A huge network of oncologists where I market their oncological services to the referral community.
The first job has been my dream for my entire sales career.
The second job has become my soul food.

I took the second job and am amazed at all the synchronicities that occurred for this to become a reality. I had been a finalist in 8 jobs prior to getting this offer. I came in 2nd in 7 out of 8 and 3rd in the 8th. Never in my career has it taken me more than two job finals to nail a job. But I know now that it was because I was meant to have THIS job. To be able to reach out and talk with physicians/nurses/providers and patients with cancer about their treatments, their cancer, their fears, hopes and desires and to be of SERVICE to them??
This is what I was meant to do and where I was meant to be!

Today was day 1! April 11, 2011

The BAD and The UGLY:

Got a phone call today telling me that they found a spot on Lauren's lung. She was not responding to the antibiotics she had been taking for sinus/bronchitis and they did a chest x-ray. They saw "something". Lauren is on her way back from college to get a CT scan so we can get a detailed look at this spot. Worse case scenario is her cancer is back. And in her lungs.

I am asking for your prayers. Lauren represents that thing in all of us that is the best of us. She is the sunshine. She is the light. She is you, she is me, she is love.

And love is the answer. Please pray for Lauren. And know that as you do your prayers are heard and returned to you to help you with the struggles YOU face.

This is the way of things and how we are designed to be.

Be divine! Be love! Be loving!

Love is the answer. Thank you for your prayers as we continue our fight against cancer!

One year later...............

2010-12-14T17:15:00.004-06:00

Happy Holidays!

Here we are one year removed from my cancer and two years from my daughter Lauren’s cancer. Last year at this time, I had a feeding tube in my belly; my throat hurt so much I could not swallow anything other than water occasionally. I could barely talk because it hurt but I forced myself to do so regardless because I knew it would be better in the long run. I was throwing up daily-----multiple times a day; producing mucous in such quantities that I carried a trash can around with me. (Sorry for graphic imagery. But it’s cancer and it isn’t pretty.)

So, how we doing?
Lauren is a student at Texas State and has had clear scans for almost 19 months now. She looks great. She feels great. She is a normal kid in college getting ready to finish finals and come home for the holidays. YAY!
I am gaining weight back. My coloring makes me look like a normal person who has never had cancer. I can eat most foods without having to use water as often as I did. Am I like any other person yet? Heck no. But I am better and I am getting better each and every day. To look at me, you would see not a cancer patient, but a regular guy who smiles and tries to be a better person.

Lauren said, “Never ever never give up.”
I said, “Love is the answer and that’s all we need to know.”

During this holiday time of year, when gift giving overflows, I consider my cancer to have been last year’s GIFT. A gift which has changed my life…….hopefully for the better and for good.
I try to be a better person to others. I try to reach out more, to feel more compassionately to those who struggle with their own difficulties.
I recognize that this is both simplistic and naive---perhaps insulting if you are going through hard times right now.

But for me, it was an epiphany the day that I asked for y’alls help in transforming my cancer into healthy living cells.
Previously I had been asking for you to help me kill the cancer.
But then, in a flash of insight, I felt that asking for help KILLING was akin to the death potential of the cancer itself.
That killing to achieve life was not effective.

Rather---LOVING it to death felt more complete and right to me.

And that is what I asked of you and that is what you envisioned for me. And now, as I write this I am healthy, happy and looking forward to the next chapter in my life. Today, I mentor two other head/neck cancer patients. I reach out to anyone who struggles and offer a sympathetic ear.
I am here.
I can listen.
I can send love.
I am able to envision a new outcome for you even if you struggle to see one for yourself.

Perhaps the progression Lauren and I both made through this cancer can act as a model for others who struggle? I don’t know and I don’t presume to believe that just because we did it, so too, can others.

But in my heart, I BELIEVE that if you approach this with LOVE and FORGIVENESS with JOY, then it gets better. Instantly. It gets better. Gratitude for the GIFT of the crappy thing that confounds you can help.

There is scientific proof that being grateful for whatever we have, INCLUDING TROUBLES, can help us remove them and improve our lives.
What have you got to lose?

Reach out to someone and say, “This is Christmas. And for this ONE day, I will focus on being grateful for you in my life. For this ONE day, I am going to focus on YOU and not me. For this ONE day, I am going to look at my life with new eyes and act as if everything will be okay.”

Ask yourself, “Will any of this crap stuff matter in 5 or 10 years?”

Love is the answer. It’s true. And whenever I feel lost, I re-read my old blog entries and try and get back into the mode of being grateful and thankful.

And that is where I am today. And YOU helped me get here--------one year later.
Thank you for the second gift I received last year----your love.

synchronicities all around us

2010-04-18T11:06:00.003-05:00

Melanie and I went to a meeting last night of like-minded people who have all survived this terrible head/neck cancer I had. We are joining energies to create a MENTORING program for others who are faced with this rapidly growing epidemic of cancer. (My radiation oncologist was there and he shared that this particular cancer is rapidly increasing in the population for two reason:
1) normal course of aging,
2) but its rising fastest in YOUNGER people
due to a virally mediated version of this cancer.

That means that anyone can get this cancer even if you NEVER smoke or drink!
Like I did! Although, lord knows i have taken a drink or two in my lifetime. lol!)

The synchronicity was, at the meeting were other survivors and one of them was MELANIE'S ONCOLOGIST FROM HER OWN CANCER treatment 9 years ago.
He is newly diagnosed and still going through treatment and we had no idea he was a member of our "fraternity". He was the # 1 reason Melanie made it through her cancer alive.

He shared that HIS journey through this terrible head/neck cancer has changed his life, made him more positive, more compassionate and more willing to take time to reach out to others and help them in any way he can.

Life is more beautiful when shared and savored......right??

So, what can you taste with your life? Do you love it? Does it feel good? And if not, please know how EASY it is to make it better for yourself. Just find something, a TINY little something to feel thankful for and think about that for a second. Because, the truth is, it is IMPOSSIBLE to feel depressed at the same time you feel grateful and joyfilled!!!

IMPOSSIBLE.
Thankfulness can lead us out of our depression and into joy.
Try it. What can it hurt? How long can it take? A few minutes? 3? Is that too much time to invest in YOU???!?!!

Find joy.
Find love.
Find it within.

Love is the answer.

clarification to previous blog posting

2010-03-31T21:52:00.004-05:00

I was re-reading the entry where I talk about how the blog started and how it morphed into this sorta "feel-good" place with hope and optimism. It occurred to me that I did not go far enough in explaining the positive spin on things.

Well, there's a story to that. (As there always seems to be with me........give me an inch and I'll take a mile, right?)

While having dinner with Melanie tonight we were talking about the response to Lauren's story of her cancer journey that Melanie emailed. Then Mel said that the blog became a place where people could get inspired through the positive things I wrote. BUT, she said, I never shared with everyone exactly WHY it was so important to write positive things. It is my nature but that's not the complete reason.

I believe that we are what we say, think and do. And if I desire positive things to come into my life then I must embody/exemplify positivity prior to their becoming reality.
As I was going through my cancer treatments, it was very important to me (for obvious reasons) to create a positive outcome. And in compliance with my belief system, I had to write positive things FIRST before a positive thing could happen to me. (Karma's a bitch, you know?)
The result was what y'all read in the blog. Literally, I was doing it to CREATE my future outcome.

Weird, right?

That's me! Mr. Weirdo. lol

Love makes one do crazy stuff. This I know for sure. Love each other a little more tomorrow. We deserve it.

health update, part 2

2010-03-31T18:39:00.002-05:00

Am meeting with Dr Ducic on Friday and will receive results from CAT and PET scans.

Will update ASAP as soon as I know.

Peace, out.

catching up

2010-03-31T18:29:00.003-05:00

You know, I write this blog and I try to keep everyone in the loop, so to speak, about what is going on with me, with Lauren and how we are faring. The blog started out rather simply: to keep my immediate family informed on a step-by-step basis as Lauren went through her cancer journey. As my family is so large and extended this seemed like a great way to be the "bearer of news, Lauren-wise".

Somehow, over time, the blog took on a life of its own, though. I am not sure when or why it happened but as I look back upon it I see that I tried to infuse the blog with some of the hope and optimism that Lauren kept espousing to all of us. This sunshine girl kept amazing us with her smile, her determination and her positive outlook as to what she was in store for in the cancer-outcome department.

But I found myself adding insights and words of encouragement to the many unseen and unknown people who were also reading the blog and I am not certain why. It's not as though I consciously sat down and thought, "Oh, I should write something positive and upbeat so people have a good feeling after visiting the blog." Sort of a thank-you prize for stopping by?

But it is obvious that I did write encouraging and positive thoughts in each blog and perhaps there was a subconscious method to my madness: I wanted the world at large to know that we will not be beaten down by something as small as cancer. Neither Dana nor Lauren will let that happen easily and without a fight. Why are we like that? Who knows and who cares. We are and that's good enough for me. I can live with being called a naive optimist.

So, I find myself writing this entry only because I have been catching up with the responses to those of you who have received and read Lauren's full-length version of her cancer journey and were touched enough to email us. Thank you.

After all, as I have said all along, YOU are the reason that we are in the places we are health-wise and we thank YOU!

Love is the answer.

health update

2010-03-30T14:17:00.003-05:00

I had a PET scan and a CAT scan today. (sounds as though I am filled with friendly animals, yes? pets and cats?)

The results will have to wait for a few days and I see my primary ENT oncologist next Thursday so I will learn the results then. My intuition says there will be no disease activity present in the scans which is exactly what I hope to find.

Join me with your prayers added to mine? After all, the prayers of those who love each other are more powerful than praying alone.

I thank you in advance,

Love is the answer. And that's all we need to know, right?

what's normal?

2010-03-26T10:43:00.006-05:00

I have been thinking a lot about normal and how, over the past 18 months, I have longed to return to normal. Normal life from Lauren's cancer, normal life from my cancer...........just to be NORMAL, ya know?

Then today, in my email from Neale Donald Walsch, comes this message and quote:

"....normal is not something to aspire to, it's something to get away from.

Never settle for normal. Never. Normal is not natural. Extraordinary

is natural. Who do you think you are, anyway...?

What will you do today that is extraordinary? Plan it.

Think it through. And do it. All the angels in heaven

are waiting. And even if you 'fail', it will have been an

extraordinary effort. That qualifies as extraordinary."

I got cold chills as I read this. It resonates within me so strongly perhaps because one of my favorite pieces to quote and think about during times of stress is the opening to Nelson Mandela's inaugural address, "Our Deepest Fear" (adapted from Marianne Williamson)

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light , not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous?

Actually, who are you not to be?

You are a child of god. Your playing small doesn't serve the world. There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you.

So, in my quest for "normal" it feels as though I am searching for something that is in fact, soulfully and divinely "beneath me". I don't mean this in a "I am above normality" kinda way, but rather in a way that seeks to embody my life as a quest to live more divinely.

For IF we are children of God (and I believe we are) and IF we are therefore divine because our Father/Mother is divine (as I believe we are) then WHY DO WE SETTLE?

Why do we not reach higher than we have ever reached before?
Why do we not go boldly forth and seek out new worlds as Star Trek tells us? (I get wisdom from ALL sources as you see. lol)

But really, why do we settle?

From this moment forward I am working towards becoming the divine person I am , as we ALL are. And I am asserting that when my fear hits me (as it will for sure) I will work towards removing the fear and replacing it with hope, joy, love and a REMEMBRANCE that Who I Really Am is a child of God.
And as such it does not serve me or anyone else to play small.

And that is an expression of LOVE.

Turns out, John Lennon was brilliant, wasn't he?

Love IS the answer. And that's all you need to know.

Live well and prosper!! ( I crack myself up.....)

my friend Darrel's update

2010-03-22T20:52:00.003-05:00

Darrel is at home recuperating from his surgery. He had a neck dissection which is done to examine the lymph node to see if the cancer still exists. He is lucky for the cancer is gone.

However, cancer is rarely and solely about scars left behind after surgery. Like many perils that come before us in our lifetimes, the lasting scars are those not on the skin but in the mind. For cancer patients, our scars are questions: Is it gone? Will I die? Will it come back?

These questions are basic yet they are the very same questions that all men and women ask of the universe as we get older. What we are really asking is: Why am I here? What is my purpose? What is the meaning of it all? Why do we suffer? Is there more to this life than what I see and experience?

I do not pretend to know the answers for if I did, I would be perhaps the wealthiest individual on the planet earth. For these questions have sought answers since time began. But one thing I do know is that I do not seek those answers since my cancer.

I don't ask, "Why me? Why did I suffer? What is the meaning of it all?"

I am starting to think that the gift of cancer is merely my lot. Not in a negative, "oh woe is me" kinda way, but in a "this is my path so I will walk it."

Acceptance comes to me from realizing that I cannot change at all what will come into my life and affect it. (And I am most certain that many other things that are perceived as negative will come into my life and offer me a choice and a chance to respond.) But what I CAN do is CHOOSE how to respond when those things come forward.

I started to realize this when I asked for your help and prayers in killing my cancer cells. At first I thought we needed to KILL them. But I began to realize that a more suitable prayer was to ask for your help in TRANSFORMING the cancer cells into HEALTHY cells. I hope to use that insight and wisdom to better respond to the things that come forward in the future.

I think it is normal for people to fear the future and the unknown but the secret to life is to accept that sh-t happens. It just does. We cannot stop that but what we CAN do is find a way to embrace them and see them for the GOOD they bring us.

An overly simple example: a number of years ago I found myself sitting across the table from a woman who was very angry at her ex-husband. "I will be so glad when he is dead so that I don't have to think about him any more. He took over $30,000 from me and I will never see that money again plus he slept with my former best friend."
She was understandably ticked off. (I didn't know her at all prior to this evening) but I found myself looking into her eyes and saying a silent prayer that my words would be heard by her.

"Tell me three GOOD things about your ex," I asked.
"Well" she started very slowly, not wanting to let go of a good head of steam, "I had a son with him that I cherish."
"That's fantastic. Good for you!"
"And," she smiled shyly, realizing how good that son was in her life, "he helped me make peace with my mother after a huge fallout. And lastly, he had been telling me that my former boss had it in for me and was trying to force me out of my job. I refused to believe him because his own jobs never worked out; he was a failure. Yet, it turned out he was right. And had it not been for him, I wouldn't be sitting here today with all of you at this NEW job, making more money than I made before."

So, I asked, "How long will it take for you to earn $30,000 here?"

And then she started to cry. "Not long at all. My ex gave me my family, my son and my future." She sat there and wept.

The truth is that I did nothing at all. She was the one who saw her situation and her past in a different light and found the gifts that came wrapped in pain.

And that brings me back to my friend Darrel. Darrel is now in a lot of pain because of both his surgery as well as his recovery from chemo and radiation. He is struggling to see his journey through cancer as anything other than horribly painful. And it's hard to blame him. After all, he has been through much more than I have with my cancer. He is trying hard to keep his head above water financially and pay for it all. Plus, my words about "finding a positive aspect to this" sound awfully hollow even to me and it's not time to share them with him because he is so focused on the pain right now and that has to subside a bit for him to be able to look at another aspect to this.

Like my friend who was so mad at her ex-husband, she needed a period of time to be open to the idea of seeing ANYTHING about him in a positive way. I just happened to be in the right place at the right time and with the right words to help her.

Don't you just love the way synchronicity works? I am so thankful that God trusts me with words that may help people. It makes me feel good and reminds me that there is more to my life than getting over cancer.

And all of y'all have helped me in that discovery process more than I can completely convey.

Let me wrap it up with my favorite song lyric:
"Love is the answer. And that's all you need to know."

Thank you for the love you continue to show me.

does the past predict the future?

2010-03-18T11:10:00.004-05:00

War generals and historians have long said those who ignore the past are doomed to repeat it. There is wisdom in that, but there is NOT inevitability in it.

Truth exists but not certainty. In other words, if we fail to LEARN from the past, we will make the same mistakes again. Or to say in another way, if we fail to learn from the opportunities presented to us then we have failed ourselves and most certainly created those opportunities to re-present themselves at a later date and time.

For instance, how many times have you thought, "I cannot believe I am dating the same mistake of a human AGAIN??!!!? Why does this keep happening to me?"

On the other hand, a more relevant question may be, "Why did I not learn from this experience the first time it was presented to me?" The KEY here, though, is not to berate yourself for having failed to recognize the experience yet again, but rather to lovingly forgive yourself and then MOVE ON.

That's the SECRET: recognize a mistake has been made, let go of judging yourself harshly for having made a mistake and then MOVE ON.
Let it go.
Release.
Breathe in and out.
Remind yourself, "I am human. Humans make mistakes all the time." No good comes from beating yourself up. (Even though we are great at THAT part, aren't we? :-)

The good comes from recognizing the mistake as soon as possible and stopping it from repeating any longer.

In the 70's, Gloria Gaynor sang "I Will Survive".
In it she sings, "as long as I can love I know that I'm alive."

Think about that.......as long as you can LOVE you will survive. You will live. You will thrive. But if you choose to spend your time berating yourself, beating yourself up and bemoaning the mistakes made, you are not loving YOU. And the mistake continues.

So ask yourself, WHO do I choose to be today? Right now. This minute. One who forgives themself and lets go of the past after learning its lessons? Or one who stays frozen and rooted in the past, unable to move forward and live, love and laugh?

Your choice. Your life. How do you want to live it?

I choose love.

are positive possibilities even possible?

2010-03-07T10:32:00.010-06:00

I was talking with my friend Sheila Jane last night. She told me I was a fighter and that I was special because of my continued and unwavering belief of a positive outcome during my cancer.
“You are no different,” I said.
“Sure I am. I couldn’t do what you did. You were so positive and upbeat.” I asked her to quickly name 3 good things about herself. She hesitated and made a joke, "I could give you 3 negative things really fast. Want to know those?"
Her response was not unexpected. In fact, I have had the same response many times.

Remember the movie, “Pretty Woman”? Do you recall the scene where Julia Roberts is talking to Richard Gere and he says, “I think you have a lot of potential.”
Her response was, “Why is it easier to believe the bad stuff?”
Why do we do this? How are we served? More accurately, why do some of us see potential outcomes as possibilities and others see them as dreaded eventualities? Where does such a positive belief system originate? Where does a fearful and limiting outlook come from? Why is this positive belief system held by only some of us and not all? What makes the difference?

Having gone through cancer diagnosis, treatment and now recovery I have been thinking quite a bit about the two approaches to be taken in this journey: one negative and fearful, the other positive and hopeful. At dinner the other night my wife Melanie was talking about her insights on God and God’s intentions as it relates to events that come into our lives.
She said, “I think God delivers events as a ‘cause’, like in cause and effect. Not to harm us, but just to deliver a "thing" in our life. Then, it is our job as humans to ‘react’. Some will react positively and some negatively. But the key is that the “cause” is not meant to create suffering. Just an opportunity to react.”

It hit me! “But because we are human," I said, "some of us choose to label the events and the “causes” as negative and something to be feared. But what if this is not the intention of God? What if we are being given an OPPORTUNITY to see ourselves as capable of creating an outcome that will deal with the event? And, when dealt with, we have given ourselves the gift of knowing that we created an outcome that is positively possible?” We always have before us the chance to be POSITIVE!

So, I ask you, what do you face right now in your own life that you have feared facing? Can you envision a positive outcome? Or, is it a horribly fearful event and you feel overwhelmed and lost?
If so, then try asking this: if God were facing this challenge, would God be able to create a positive outcome? Of course He/She would! So what's the difference? We have no difficulty believing God capable of creating positive outcomes, but we are human and not divine. That view of ourselves is limited and limiting.

I suggest a different way of viewing us. Remember, we are children of God. Created in God’s image. By definition, that means we have within us the ability to create from love, hope, joy and not fear. Please try to see this, believe this and use it to create your own outcomes in a new way.
After all, as Dr. Phil says, “How’s that working out for you?”

As the angels repeatedly said in the bible, “Fear not.”
I know, I know---this is a very simple approach, and it is not easy. But then nothing worthwhile ever is. But it CAN be done. I know. I have living proof.
Me.

Love Happens

2010-02-20T10:57:00.004-06:00

I watched this movie last night, "Love Happens" with Jennfier Aniston and Aaron Eckhart. Poorly marketed yet surprisingly touching to someone like me who is moved by the human experience after having such a powerful and potentially deadly human experience of my own.

Here is a story of guy whose wife has been killed in a car accident. He deals with it by hosting self-help seminars for people who've lost loved ones of their own.
Spoiler alert.) Yet it becomes clear that HE never finished his own grieving process. Stuck, frozen and in denial he works his seminars but uses the stage between he and his audience to protect him from facing his own demons of suffering.

I couldn't get him or his journey out of my mind. If you know me at all, I began to ask myself a lot of questions:

Am I denying my recovery through the act of reaching out and helping others?
Is this blog and my writing a very clever way to avoid dealing directly with what I have experienced by way of cancer?
Who am I fooling?
Who am I to offer help of ANY kind to anyone else going through cancer?
And MOST importantly, what makes me think I am expert enough to offer complete strangers ideas on how they should/could navigate through this ordeal?

I am nothing more than one guy who has faced cancer with his daughter and wife also having gone through it.
But so what?? Does this in ANY way qualify me to offer MY insights and MY thoughts on how someone else should handle their membership in this fraternity? And their journey to healing?

And what is it that I offer? Platitudes, words, encouragement? Things like telling myself "it will be okay." By saying, "Love is the answer" and "I choose to see me healed and well"?

Is my attitude of being positive merely my own clever cover-up to avoid how scared I truly was? Am?

I mean, this is what people do all the time when faced with a life-threatening situation. We rationalize, we scurry down a hole and not come out, we retreat to the safety of the past, we refuse to talk about it, we shun those we love, we push well-meaning people aside and generally, we just make certain not to deal with it. We pray that "time heals all wounds".

So, after watching this guy I ask myself, "Am I really any different?"
"Am I hiding behind this blog and my Facebook?"
"Am I really this positive or is it all a sham to help me not face my cancer?"

This has me rattled, folks. It's like walking on a newly frozen pond, watching tiny cracks appear on the surface but it's still strong enough to hold your weight......or so you think because you haven't fallen through. Yet.

I truly want to BE positive and I want to FACE this and I want to be FREE of fear.........but am I? Am I really?

Time will tell me.....
But do I want to know the answer?

The Call

2010-02-16T15:54:00.006-06:00

How do we react when we get the call? The call to respond to a situation that attacks our belief system as it is right now.............

Perhaps the call is about a spouse saying, "I no longer love you."
Or a boss who says, "You are no longer needed."
A friend who says, " You hurt me terribly."
A doctor who says, "You have cancer" or "Your child will never walk or talk again."
How do we respond because we have ALL received the call. Probably more than once.

Possible reactions are anger. Denial. Pain. Sadness. Grief. Sense of loss. Depression. And many more.........

We all know them, have responded to the call with them.

But what about a different response? Something outside the box? After all, let's face it.......bad things happens.
In fact there is a bumper sticker that says, "SH-T HAPPENS."
It does. Over and over again. But in that moment we have a choice. And we must respond. But must we respond with anger, grief, hurt, sadness, depression, pain, denial or loss?

Could we choose differently and respond in a new manner? Would it be possible to think this event is a gift? Something divinely given? Something "meant to be"?

I think so, but am I naive because I think this is possible? Or simple-minded? Like everyone else I know I have gone through anger as a response but the fact of the matter is THAT IT DID NOT CHANGE WHAT HAD HAPPENED TO ME.
The event still occurred and I still had to face facts that it was real in my life and demanded to be dealt with.

So maybe, just maybe, there is another response that looks at the event as opportunity?

(I don't mean to suggest that cancer is a good thing. Or divorce. Or job loss or anything else that hurts us or harms us. I am speaking only of our continued reactions to that event and possible ways to move through the emotional spectrum we face.)

For me, as anyone who has read my musings would know, I try very hard to look for a positive reason for this event.
Do I have that response immediately? Heck no. I am human after all and I hurt, too. I get angry and depressed and ask, "Why me?"

The Buddhists say life is suffering. The Jews would probably agree. But yet, both groups recognize that we MUST move through this struggle. We must. We have to live and others need us to live. That amidst all the pain and suffering, true joy can be had and be found.

The key is HOW TO FIND IT? How to let go of pain and let in joy?

I try to recognize the pain as soon as possible. Then I get out something to write on and write down everything I am feeling and thinking. I ask questions like, Why me? Why now? What next? And I try to get these inevitable thoughts out of me and onto paper in a journal. One with a cover. So that I can close it and put it down when I finish.

It is easy to be hurt and genuinely hard to be positive. Yet I think that as divine beings we are given the gifts we need to handle these events as well as the vision to view it as an "opportunity".
To find joy, however we can, wherever we can and embrace it.

Life is too short to hold onto pain for the rest of our journey on this planet. So if that means reaching out to someone to help us deal with our pain then DO IT!
Ask for help. It's hard to ask, but when two or more are gathered in His name......

Because The Call is coming for all of us and when it does, we need to respond in a way that is consistent with our identity as divine beings of love and light. And it is this divinity that gives us the ability to get through the pain of life.

Try and do this for someone today: reach out and help someone who suffers.
Love them.
Be a model for them to remind them how to LIVE again.
Help them.
Maybe you just PRAY for them.
Laugh on their behalf until they are able to laugh again.
Make food for them.
Sing with them.
Sit quietly until they fall asleep.
Smile gently while you think, "There but for the grace of God go I."

measuring progress

2010-02-11T13:58:00.005-06:00

How do we assess progress? Our own or anyone else's? I find myself asking this as I clear out my medicines from my cancer treatment. The list of meds is L-O-N-G!

Here goes:
Phenergan
Zofran
Atavan
Reglan. These were my medicines to help deal with nausea. Ineffective. Taken as a group each day, multiple times a day and yet I still was throwing up constantly for reasons we will talk about later.

Caphosol for helping with dry mouth, a serious and common side effect of head/neck cancer: loss of salivary function.
Chlorhexidine gluconate- for raw, sore throat following radiation treatments.
Ethyol-an injection to protect the salivary glands prior to radiation.
Lidocaine/Benadryl/Maalox swish to help swallowing after throat burns due to radiation.
Liquid hydrocodone to minimize sore throat as well as overall pain and make life more manageable while going through chemo and radiation. Works great, but the long term usage side effects are killer.
Evoxac-to increase salivary function since radiation burns away saliva production leading to dry mouth.
Prevedent and mouth trays to protect teeth following radiation of jaw line. Very real chance of tooth and jaw bone loss or decay following treatment. risk can last for up to a year or more after treatments end.

This is 11 medicines that I was taking every day, most many times a day, just to help me deal with head/neck cancer.

Taking them yet getting nauseous and throwing up regardless because radiation and Eythol are too powerful for these medicines apparently. But they do GOOD so one endures the side effects.

So, back to the original question. How to assess progress?

For me, it was watching the number of medicines I needed to take slowly diminish.

I kept a large box and a large bowl in the bathroom to house all of them and as I got better, I removed those I no longer needed. Each removal meant progress!

This week, I finally removed the last one. Not because I wouldn't benefit from it but because I was determined to no longer be on ANY drugs for cancer treatments. I wanted to do this marathon by myself now. So, I removed the feeding tube and stopped all drugs.

Would I be better off to continue tube and last drug? Perhaps. In the short run. But mentally and psychologically I needed to stop them. I needed to prove to myself that I could manage this progression by myself.

And I am doing it. By myself. This is how I measure progress. In tangible ways through reducing what goes into my body. I gotta tell you, it feels WONDERFUL!!!

(BTW, this photo is me looking forward to a Pat O'Brian's Hurricane in NOLA. Cannot wait til I am able to do this.)

small step-giant leap

2010-02-09T16:52:00.005-06:00

Just had my feeding tube removed. WOW! A month ago I was eating only by tube. Now I am eating only by mouth.

Is it easy? Heck no!! It hurts like the dickens due to the swollen esophagus. In fact, more often than not, I have to help the food go down by swallowing water to push it down.

But I don't want to crawl through this marathon any longer. I want to race across the finish line. And now with the tube out, I can see myself racing towards a healthier me, free of cancer and free of those items that reminded me of cancer: my port (still implanted in me) and the feeding tube.

One down, one to go!

synchronicity via email

2010-02-03T21:19:00.006-06:00

This came today:

".....challenges are what you came for.
And you are never, ever, given a challenge you cannot overcome.

The purpose of life is to give you a chance to be the

grandest version of the greatest vision ever you held

about Who You Are. When challenges arrive, then,

move straight to clarity: This is what you came for.

Now rise to this occasion, and know that you have

every resource with which to create the right and

perfect outcome."

As I was seeking to find some balance with Darrel and his struggles and my role within all of that, this message arrives.
As always, answers are thrown at us from varied and sundry sources.
Sometimes it's an email.
At others, it could be a song lyric, or a conversation overheard in a coffee shop, or a child asking a question.........

But the truth is always before us. All we have to do is stop talking, close our mouth and open our minds.

(One of my favorite thoughts to remind myself to listen more is to remember that we have been given two ears and one mouth. Use them in that proportion.)

Thank you, God for your wisdom, your grace and your kindness in how you speak with me while giving me what I need. Not always what I want, but always what I need.

Thank you.

my friend Darrel's update

2010-02-03T11:58:00.005-06:00

Darrel was admitted to the hospital on Sunday. He is still there. Dehydration. Needed 3 units of blood because he didn't drink enough water.

If you recall, he had the same cancer as me. Same site, same lymph node size and activity, same stage (stage 3). One difference is that he found the using of his G tube to be a major pain. So, he hydrated only when he felt the need. And that's not enough.

The price he must pay? Hospital stay, 3 units of blood, and scared out of his mind that this means his cancer is worse than he thought.

I feel powerless. We spoke often through emails and texts. Just last week the infusion center nurses were telling me they had seen a change in Darrel's attitude and willingness to do the routine stuff necessary to successfully fight oral cancer. They gave me the credit for that change but I guess I didn't do as much good as I hoped.

They also said that virtually every head/neck cancer patient comes in one or more times to get get rehydrated for this very reason. So, I guess I shouldn't be too surprised. But I wanted Darrel to be different. To be better. I wanted him to be able to get through this as I did and to then be a mentor for other head/neck cancer patients with me.

Feelings of confusion surround me. This dehydration is so easily avoided, yet occurs so often. Part of me is sending Darrel energy and strength to heal and do better. But part of me wants to slap his little wrist and say, "What were you thinking? We spoke about how important it is to stay on top of this. You said you would do it. What happened???"

Lauren, my sunshine girl, thinks he was depressed and just didn't do everything he should be doing. Possibly----- as depression is a major factor affecting treatment outcomes in cancer patients.

But I find that his journey and difficulties are affecting my thoughts. Like, what more could I have done? Why was I not more affective in helping him? And then of course, even bigger stuff like maybe I should not be helping other oral cancer patients? Maybe God is telling me to use my energies elsewhere?

Or perhaps it's just as simple as, none of us can walk another's path for them. They must navigate it. It's just so hard........like having another child to worry about as you watch them put their self into harm's way and you cannot stop them. I think patience is what is being asked of me.

And of course, prayers.

Will you help?

a letter to my sister

2010-01-28T14:45:00.003-06:00

Dear Lissa,

As usual, you ask a simple question or two and I write a book of answers. AS many have said, my philosophy on writing is this: "Why write a sentence when a paragraph would work?"

My frame of reference to how well I will handle the upcoming trip home energetically
is that I was at a national sales mtg last week, Tues-Friday evening.
I did pretty well.

As to the difference between recovery and recuperating that your friend referred to, I get that. All too well. :-)
As to energy levels in general, I am doing better than most expected and certainly better than I had any right to believe would be possible.

I have not really experienced much of the general fatigue that Judi and
virtually everyone else warned me about. I DO get tired but its just
not that much. Example, yesterday I stacked firewood for over an hour.
I was tired of course, but sat for about 15 minutes and then I was
fine. Other cancer patients have shared they would do something like
that and be done for the entire day. Why am I different?

I have a theory. Want to hear it?

About 15 months ago, (in fact, immediately after returning from
Melanie's wedding) I suddenly had a desire to work out again. Serious
work outs. At home. With weights. I would get up every day at 4:30 or
5AM and work out for about an hour or more. Every other day I would do
the top half of my body and alternate those days with the lower half.
I was not trying to get big, just strong. And I did. Lost weight, got
more solid.

And then I got cancer. My recovery has gone more smoothly, relatively
speaking, and things are returning more quickly than what I was led to
believe.

Each time I see a doctor for follow-up they are surprised at what I
can do. For myself, I am convinced that 15 months ago I was "inspired" to begin a
training program. I thought I was in training to get stronger. I had no idea what I was really training for at the time. Now I do.

That's my theory.

As to the trip, my radiation oncologist has challenged me to eat by
mouth about 3-4 bites of any dish I am going to blend before blending.
And so I have. This evening I had made taco soup for everyone. (It's
great stuff by the way..the girls love it! Easy too and freezes really
well.)

I loaded up a bowl in anticipation of the amount needed to blend it
and ate about 1/2 the bowl. I had not eaten that much previously and
was surprised. Then I shoved the rest in the blender and "ate" thru the tube.

Little by little, step by step..........I get better. I don't expect
that I will be eating completely by mouth when I get up there, but I
do know that all of you will be saying and thinking, "He had cancer?
Really? He doesn't look like it."
Because that's what all of the people at the sales mtg kept saying. (Now lord knows
they could have been lying. Sales people are rumored to do
so.)

Anyway, Melanie and I are very excited about the trip. Thank you again
SO MUCH for your kindness, thoughtfulness and generosity in this gift,
Lissa. I am overwhelmed and very grateful. I realize this gift you are
giving me you are also giving to Mom, Dad, yourselves and all the rest
of the family. But I thank you the most from me.

love,

Dana

health update

2010-01-26T17:03:00.003-06:00

Just saw Milam, my oncologist. No doodle anywhere!
She couldn't feel a thing.
So now, we just need to wait for the follow-up PET scan on the 30th of March to confirm.

After seeing her, I walked over to the infusion center to see the nurses had been so good to me. (Perhaps you recall I wrote about them earlier? They have the sign over the door that says, "Angels work here".)
They are also the nurses who told me that in their 9+ years of treating head/neck cancer patients, I was the first one to come through this with voice still intact and a great attitude. Love them.

When I walked in today it was like a great high-school reunion...although one where you look better than everyone else and you are so glad you went because they all like looking at you. :-))

They screamed and smiled as they hugged me, telling me, "You look so good. Do you feel as good as you look?" (I think I am going to go by there once every week to get me ego stroked. It felt great!)

But here comes the payoff.

They told me that my friend, Darrel, who I had tried to help because he and his wife were really struggling with his head/neck cancer diagnosis. Both of them were so scared; scared he had cancer;scared he may die......
Because, after all, isn't that supposed to happen inevitably with cancer? (not.)

Anyway, they said that he was doing great.
"He really listened to you. You made such a difference." And this was the guy who I worried that I had not gotten through to, that what I said was falling on deaf ears. My brother David said quite wisely, "You never know when someone is listening and really getting you. Just have faith and know you tried."

It felt so good to know that someone I wanted to help actually GOT helped. And I received the very rare gift of learning that I had impacted another person's life.
It felt like I had won the lottery, only this lottery paid off in lives saved.
To survive my own cancer and then to be able to help another person navigate through theirs? Priceless!

So, my suggestion to you is to reach out to someone, anyone you see struggling..with anything. Maybe it's just a cart at the grocery store an older person can't get out of the rack. Or holding the door for someone behind you. Or smiling at everyone whose path you cross. You just never know how much you are affecting their life and changing their daily experience for the better.

It's such a little thing, but the truth is, after cancer, they are ALL little things. And these can make a BIG difference. Makes me glad to have been born.

Thank you, God!

thoughts from Jacksonville

2010-01-24T13:04:00.000-06:00

Looking at the river come alive in the early morning dew, this reminds me why I need to be around water to thrive. My hotel is located on the banks of the St. James river which is, according to my cab driver, the second longest river in the world. Who knew?

I love the water. I imagine all forms of life lying within the dark, jade folds of the verdant depths. I would love to live on water. A lake, a river, the ocean.....(who can afford that life though? Not me with college aged daughters and bills to pay.)

It has always seemed to me that water is a magical elixir of sorts. It brings life, it restores, it nourishes. Water can cure what ails me. Melanie finds that she is revitalized by being IN the pool. There she listens to the sounds of the waterfall and joyfully recharges her batteries. For me, I just need the sight of water, the sounds of water to experience it. Of course, being IN the water is even better but not necessary.

When I lived in Charlotte, I used to have to cross a bridge over a large lake to get into my neighborhood. Coming around a bend in the road, I would see the bridge, then the lake unfold before like a piece of origami being un-made, revealing its secrets. That slow peeling away of the highway and focusing now on the water made all my troubles disappear for just a moment. This freedom of concerns allowed me to breathe in the life I loved.

As I look back, it seems as though I was being given the gift of self-awareness as I crossed the bridge. It only took a millisecond but I always felt renewed. A sigh of release leads to a smile on my face that could last for hours.

This was my heaven on earth. Not necessarily this particular lake, but all large lakes, rivers and oceans. Ponds not so much unless they are large ponds, big enough to boat upon. Mountain streams are good, too. With their babbling brook sounds......love it. Like my own private symphony playing.

When my girls are out of the house and living successfully on their own (hopefully some day FAR away cause I will miss them terribly. Their fights, their laughter, their joyous hugs.........) but on that day, I want to find a place to live where water lives.

And allow it to heal me, renew me, recharge me..........give me a place to reflect and write. I want to take my dog to the shores and throw balls or sticks that he/she would chase down and return to me. I want to be able to drift lazily in a boat, canoe, kayak. I wish to watch sunrises and sunsets on the water, the colors exploding upon the clouds.
I want to look up through the leaves from underneath a tree in a small cove, quiet and still and think about how small I am in this universe and how thankful I am for the gifts I have been given, the friends I have and the many who love me. To me, this sounds like heaven.........

I can see this. I can feel it. I know exactly how it would be to live there. I cannot wait.

What dreams propel you? What vision do you have for who you will be? Where you will be?

Dream big! It's your life and you are worthy of huge dreams. Believe it! Breathe that thought in and then envision your grandest visions. And find a way to truly believe it's your reality and that you deserve all the good that comes to you from living within this dream. Because you do and THAT is the secret to a life well lived. Believing the TRUTH that you deserve to live well. You are, after all, a child of God, a divine being. So if not you, then WHO?

YOU are divine and beautiful and worthy. Find a way to incorporate that thought into your being today.

Thanks for listening and thinking about it. All this helps me to heal myself.

2010-01-21T21:30:00.005-06:00

paths and intersections

2010-01-13T08:22:00.003-06:00

I have been thinking a lot about my journey these last 4-5 months and then about the journey of life itself.

It occurred to me that life is merely a series of paths we walk and then choices we make when we come to an intersection. Which way do we go? Which path do we choose?

Some of us are so desirous of stability and security that we make the same choices at each intersection: always turning right, for example.

Well, if we only turn right (or only left) then we end up back where we started from initially. And there's nothing wrong with that if that is how we want to go through this life's journey: repeating the same things over and over.

Is it any wonder that we say, "Wow. I keep going through this same crap. Why is this happening to me? I want something new in my life. Please God, bring it to me!!"

Yet, clearly we are the ones choosing the same paths again and again. So, the same issues come up over and over; the same type relationships; at work we wonder why we don't get ahead, why others seemingly rise faster or go further......

Yet if we trace it back, in each case WE chose to go in a certain direction---a direction that would take us someplace where we knew how to handle things and would not be scared or fearful with something new coming at us out of the blue.

We tell ourselves we don't like change, we like to be in control and KNOW what is coming so we can always be prepared. Yet we complain because we are bored and nothing new ever happens.

This is a simple story: if you don't like where you are in your life or what is happening in your life, then choose the OTHER fork in the road next time. Take the one you have never taken before and live THAT journey.

Going through cancer I had to do things differently because I had never traveled that road. I didn't know which paths to choose so I followed the leads of my health-care team and then raced down that path as fast and as sure as I could navigate. I trusted their wisdom and then went for it.

I am not suggesting you do the same, I am only sharing how I navigated through this maze recently.

And now, I find I want to take different pathways in other areas of my life. After all, I KNOW how the paths I have been on turn out and I want to experience a NEW path. So, in order to do so I must CHOOSE a new path at the next intersection.

However, the intersections are not always clearly defined and marked. Some are much more subtle than others. Big life choices are easy to recognize as an intersection but what of little things like, "Do I tell them I don't feel well so I don't have to go and do that thing?"

Or, do I go through the motions in my job when my boss isn't around or do I really try hard when no one is watching?
Do I try and be a bigger person in my relationships and do things they would appreciate? Not because it will get me in good with them, but because it makes me feel good to see them happily respond?

So it comes down to which path do you choose? The familiar one that takes you where you have been before, or, like Robert Frost said, "I took the one less traveled by, and that has made all the difference."

As in all things, this is simple, but it is not easy to do.

Try it just once today: do something differently than what your initial knee jerk reaction would have you do because it is what you would "always" do.

Who knows, it can't be worse than what you have experienced before and you just might like it. If nothing else, its some new scenery to enjoy along the way.

Thanks for letting me ramble and thanks for taking even one second to consider what I've said.

back at work

2010-01-11T15:23:00.003-06:00

Today was day 1 of my return to full-time working. It was great. My offices were SO glad to see me; the doctors all came out to wish me well. The only negative (and this is nitpicking) is that they were so interested in my health that I had to talk with each of them for quite some time. And it wore me out.........

But each of them said they ad been following the blog and praying for my well being. It's amazing how many lives each of us touch without even being aware of it...and humbling, too.

Love is the answer...........and I was given the rare gift of experiencing that truth in a very tangible way today.

the doodle that won't quit

2010-01-10T09:51:00.002-06:00

I saw my ENT oncologist Friday to get the results of my recent throat/tongue scope and biopsy as well as the PET scan findings.

The tongue biopsy was fantastic! Perfect, clear and cancer 100% completely gone!!!

The doodle however, lit up the PET scan a teensy tiny bit. According to the doctor, I have a 5% chance of cancer there.
"The only way to know for certain is to do the neck dissection. There is the possibility that this is just calcification resulting from the radiation but we can't know that for certain without removing it," he said.

I told him for a 5% chance of something I think it's prudent to wait, do another PET scan in 3 months and see if there are any changes.

He felt my neck and said that the doodle is still there but it is almost imperceptible.

So, my healing continues, I am moving forward, I am getting better and I must continue to transform these cancer cells into healthy living cells.

And, as always, that is where y'all come in cause I can use your help.

Send me your thoughts of love and healing light. Pretend that you can see the light beam and love waves shooting in a straight line from you to me. As you see the beams entering my neck envision that my entire body lights up and glows as your love and light helps heal me.

That's what you can do for me if so moved to do so.

I have maintained a couple of thoughts throughout this journey:
Love is the answer and, when two or more area gathered together in His/Her name miracles can happen.

Let's create one TODAY! Beam me up, Scotty. And, at the risk of being perceived as the single most corny person to have ever walked this earth, I will quote Debby Gibson: you light up my life.

(Okay, I am gagging now. I gotta run!)

Thank you for wanting to help. Thank you for sending love and light. Thank you for continuing to be interested in what's going on in my life while you live your own, with your struggles, issues and needs.

I am aware that this is extra work and I am eternally grateful. Thank you!

what's going on.............

2010-01-06T13:36:00.003-06:00

I start back to work Monday. This is opening a new can of worms for me. On the one hand I am excited that I finally get to do something other than heal.
On the other, I am only going back now because my disability benefits have run out and I must.

I am concerned because I am still not eating by mouth. How do I do lunches while out in field?
I still have excess mucus which makes talking difficult. How do I speak to physicians all day long?

I have lost 20 pounds and look significantly different. How do I answer all the questions that will come my way from all these people who care about me and want to know how I am doing?

I go to a national meeting the following Monday for 4 days. How can I handle all the pressure of that and eat meals knowing that they all have to be blended and put through the feeding tube?

I wanted my return to be triumphant. To look like the victory against cancer that it is. But it feels like I will look as though I still in the middle of a battle; that I am limping in and still have a lot of fight left.

As Melanie says, "You want to look like 'Rocky' running up all those steps, but you think you look like the beaten up challenger.' She swears I don't but I have a mirror and it doesn't lie often enough to suit me.

Oh well, this is yet one more thing I have no control over. So, I will do what I must to let it go and realize that the ones who love me (and they are legion) will love me no matter what. The rest, I will smile at and forgive any negative thoughts they may have. I can do only what I can do.

The rest needs to be set aside. THAT is what I have been learning during this. There is a place and a time for all things except fear and worry. They are not worth the time and effort they require. All they do is suck energy. I need my energy to heal, to love and to LIVE!

Tis the Season

2009-12-23T08:02:00.005-06:00

(FYI...this photo was taken a week ago while viewing Christmas lights on Main Street, Grapevine, TX. Beautiful!!!)

I was thinking about the season, the people and wondering why some people are excited while others, not so much. We've all heard about the increase in depression and suicides around holidays yet we tend not to think about it much. After all, it's not us, is it?

While Christmas shopping yesterday, the woman at the checkout counter of a very busy store (60'ish, school-marmy type,) was just smiling at all of the customers she came in contact with at her counter.
I thought, "This woman could not be more perfectly placed to offset all the short-tempers, the angry attitudes of 'I gotta return this and they better not give me a fight!' in us so-called holiday types. Look at her: she smiles, she jokes with customers. She is a real joy!"

And I thought, THIS is what is asked of all of us, not just at this time of year, but ALL year long: to be that point of light that comforts others. We ARE light, we were born to be light givers, for lack of a better term. And yet, sadly, many people don't know how to shine their light. So their attitudes become negative and it comes out at us in their words and deeds.

So let's do something about it. Something simple. SMILE.
Just...................SMILE.
A big, genuine smile.
To anyone whose path we cross.
They may say nothing, but their lives will be impacted. They may have just a fleeting thought of, "What a pleasant person. They are in a great mood." But that mood is infectious.

Today, someone whose path you cross was put there for the express purpose of needing your light. And you will probably never know which person it is. No matter. Be the light for someone today.
Give them that gift. You will feel so much better for having done so. And they will come away illuminated.

I hope that this season of giving becomes more widespread than just our family and known friends. We're all in this world together and it is so easy to make a difference.
SMILE.
Plain and simple.
Spread joy and SMILE.
Today, someone somewhere needs it and you have the power to change their entire day. Smile!
Watch how YOU feel better the more often you smile at strangers. It's amazing..........such a gift. To YOU.

Happy Holidays and may the spirit of the season linger on all year long.

Do da disappearing doodle dance....

2009-12-22T21:01:00.004-06:00

My oncologist calls my inflamed lymph node the "doodle". Last Thursday, my ENT oncologist said we have to reconsider the need for surgery because the doodle is still there, although smaller. So he scheduled me to be scoped and MRI'ed to see what's happening.

Today, just 4 days later.......it is GONE! Completely. Totally gone.

I felt my throat yesterday and there it was........not there!

Today is my 4 week anniversary of chemo and radiation. I was told that the effects of the radiation would continue on for 4 weeks after treatments before it's full "treatment effect" was achieved.

I am a believer.
4 weeks later and the doodle disappears.

This is my Christmas miracle.

FYI-health updated again

2009-12-18T10:56:00.002-06:00

It appears that surgery (neck dissection ) is not off the table as we once thought.

My "doodle" is significantly smaller (good!), has changed density (good!) but has not disappeared (not so good).

So, we do an MRI on the 29th and if it "lights" up, there is no question: neck dissection will be done.

If it doesn't light up, then we weigh decision: be conservative and and do dissection or wait and see.

I would opt for "wait and see". Because we never know what will happen over time. And sometimes, miracles take a little longer than we think. (Plus, with no real immediate risk as per the MRI, why would I worry right now?

Just keeping everyone in the loop.

LOVE you!

health update and next steps

2009-12-17T13:51:00.004-06:00

Saw the surgical/oncological ENT this morning. Have been complaining about increased throat pain over the last two days. He scoped me and saw nothing wrong during his cursory exam but ordered a panendoscopy to be done as soon as can be scheduled. (Just a scope down the throat while I am out so he can do a better, more intensive exam of all tissue. More piece of mind at this point than anything else................fingers crossed.)

I have been asking for a sign recently that all is well with my health. Right before posting this blog, I read an email that said, "The time is now. Stop waiting for a sign. Take the first step your intuition calls for combined with your desire and just take the step. God will not come down and sprinkle pixie dust on your shoulder to always show you the right road. Just take the step." Okay.........I'll take THAT as a sign!!

So, with full confidence that whatever is going on I can handle, I take the next step.

Will keep you posted as to timing and details.

Until then, just yell out my name now and then while smiling and thinking about Christmas.

Thank you
Thank you
Thank you

tis the season for Love and that is, after all, the answer.

small steps-little miracles

2009-12-14T22:12:00.006-06:00

This morning in the shower, while clearing my throat (this part will be gross. But it won't last long. Promise.) and spitting out the excess mucus, I tasted salty on my tongue. I HAVE NO TASTE BUDS. THEY WERE BURNED IN THE RADIATION!

I knew they would PROBABLY come back.........some day in the distant future.

When Melanie got home we did a test. I put a little salt in one cup and sugar in another. Asking her to put one or the other on the tip of my tongue, I waited.
I could tell them apart...CORRECTLY!! Salty. Sweet.
I had taste buds!
At 3 weeks!!
I cried. She cried. It IS the little things after all that mean the most.
I gotta go taste something!

Thank you God oh thank you, God!
What a Christmas gift! I may not be out of the woods yet, but I sure can see the path more clearly!

status update....

2009-12-12T10:39:00.003-06:00

Okay, weird stuff happening. Y'all are aware of the side effects of excessive mucus production. After asking the health-care professionals what can be done, I was told to increase my liquids and take Mucinex. I told them that Mucinex is a pill; I can't swallow pills now. Solution? Robitussin has the same active ingredient but at 1/6 the level of Mucinex.
So, they said to take between 3-6x the directed dose of Robitussin. (Apparently Mucinex was put on market after they discovered that the active ingredient involved in reducing mucus can be as much as 6x higher than they originally thought.)

Uh-oh!!

I did and I OD'ed on Robitussin yesterday. Holy Crap, Batman.

My pupils dilated, my heart raced, I felt "wired" all day long and it continues into today. This is NOT a good feeling. And the irony of it all? Didn't do a thing for the mucus issue. My mucus LAUGHED at the Robitussin. Like Rocky taunting Apollo Creed, "That all you got? Bring it on!"

My pupils are back to normal, heart rate normal, wired feeling persists.

I just gotta believe that this falls into the heading of "darkest before the dawn" category. Where I get worse RIGHT before I get better. (Cause the alternative is depressing and anti-productive, anyway.)

So, I soldier on. Where did I learn this attitude of sucking it up? I certainly don't recall specific life lessons that taught it. My organized sports were mostly solo ones, track, gymnastics....although I did play soccer for years. So, where did it come from?

Who knows? But I am grateful. Combined with y'alls love and support, this attitude has kept me going, kept me alive and saved me when I thought all was lost.

Once again, I cannot express how much it means to me to hear from you in posts, emails and on Facebook. It strengthens me at a time when I still need your help. I am not out of the woods yet and have much more to do.

My health IS improving. My focus IS improving. My mouth and raw throat IS improving. But I am far from done. I can do this. But I ask you to please keep the smiles aimed at me and shout out my name once in a while, ok?

Thank you!

what did I miss by not choosing that path?

2009-12-08T17:56:00.003-06:00

I was reading my Dad's blog.....where he contemplates all of the things he DID NOT do, the choices and opportunities missed........the interminable "what if" questions that as, he calls it, are the "ruminations of old men."

I started thinking about that, thinking about my path. I thought about all the things I COULD have done: my singing, my music when I was younger, my job choices, my schooling and education choices, my love interest choices, my travel choices and the travel I did not do choices...........

Then I naturally (for me anyway) moved next to the questions about my cancer, my life's difficulties and the "why me's?" or, "why us?" questions .............

"What if I had done this or that?"
"What if I had never met Melanie?"
"what if?" and "what if?"

In fact, just this morning, right before light as Melanie and I were lying in bed we started talking talking about the laundry list of stuff we have faced, endured and overcome in the 11 years we have been married and the relatively short total time we have known each other. As we look back on it, the list is so seemingly long.......................(don't need to go into details. If you know us, you know the list. If not, it doesn't matter because the list itself is not the point.)

Obviously, it is so easy to go down the path of WHY ME? WHY US?

And then it occurred to me, maybe, just maybe, the choices and events that I did NOT make were just as divinely inspired as the ones I DID make.
The events, surgeries, diseases, job changes, etc that happened to us are as much of a gift as if we had not been given those events in our lives.

(You know the saying about God not handing you any challenge you cannot handle? Well, I guess God thinks highly of our handling ability! lol)

But, seriously, I think it is more than that.
I am starting to believe deeply and sincerely that this list of travails is nothing more or less than what is our DIVINE GIFT. That there is a REASON that we have been gifted with this list of events.

The conclusion that Melanie came to this morning was simple and quick, "But at least we had LOVE. Sadly, that is more than can be said for many others."

Love made the list that much easier to handle.

So, for me, instead of asking, "Why me? Why us?" I am saying, in this time of year, "THANK YOU for what I have been given. I certainly do not know the REASONS for the gifts but I am confident that they are valid and divine."

And I can live with that.

LOVE is the answer.....always has been. Always will be.

sweetest story ever

2009-12-07T19:29:00.006-06:00

My friend Donna reads the blog. She remembered the one where I kept asking people to shout out my name to the universe and God would know why it was being done. And that it would help me.

So, at least once every week, I get a text message from Donna where she types my name in caps to let me know she just shouted it out loud.

Yesterday, her 9 year old daughter Caroline was upstairs at their house screaming. Donna raced upstairs to investigate.
"What's wrong, baby?"
"Nothing, Mom. I'm just shouting out "DANA" like you always do."

THAT is my Christmas gift!

And who says we never get to know about the lives we have touched?

reach out and touch someone

2009-12-07T16:54:00.005-06:00

Just got back from visiting my new buddy, Darrel who has the same cancer I do/did.

He is scared, worried, fearful........his wife's mom died from cancer (different cancer). His wife's cousin died from throat cancer, so she is very scared for her husband.
She is trying to be caregiver and supporter to him but she is more scared than he.
And of course, fear can be contagious.

So what I am asking, if you find yourself with a moment or two and you are thinking about me (Dana) spell the name slightly differently, add some "R's and a L" to it and say Darrel (rhymes with barrel).

Go ahead and shout it out loud. You'll fear better and maybe just maybe, some calming breezes and breaths will come their way. Because no one should fear just because of what someone else experienced, although I am fully aware that this is the way most of us are.

But then I tell myself, "we're HUMAN. We get it wrong all the time. We misunderstand and get scared when we don't need to be scared. It's okay, it's just how we are. But we CAN rise above it; CAN be different. Try and breathe........in and out. Slowly, repeatedly."
Each day it gets a little easier to breathe, slowly, in and out.

And, then again, I could be completely full of it and this doesn't work. I am the first to admit that I am optimistically naive.

But I remember that horrible weekend, after my 27th treatment, when I told Melanie that I couldn't make it. I couldn't do it. I was so scared and hurting from the side effects I didn't think I had the strength to go on.

But so many of you reached out to me or to Melanie to lend your strength. And I DID make it. And YOU are the reason.

So, if you feel comfortable, say Darrel's name once or twice. It's a good thing. And it's a very EASY thing. And it's Xmas and everyone deserves a special present at Christmas.

How to find a sacred place to heal?

2009-12-03T19:45:00.007-06:00

The headline is the # 1 question for which every cancer patient wants the answer. The simple truth is: at this point in time, Dana, we just don't know for certain.

We see signs that give us hope: like shrinking lymph nodes; plus a lack of cancer on your tongue visible to the naked eye.

But proof? No. Only time gives us proof.

And that is the disconnect for so many of us, be it with cancer, some other disease or just life itself.
Unless we can see it, feel it, touch, smell it, handle it or in some way "prove" to ourselves it is there or, conversely it is gone, then we doubt. We have fear. We worry. We think about all the things that can go wrong:
How it could be spreading unbeknownst to us.
How the disease is worsening without our knowing it.
We are dying and no one will tell us.....

As humans, we want answers. No, its more than that, we DEMAND answers. Like Tom Cruise battling Jack Nicholson in "A Few Good Men" when he says, "I want the TRUTH!"
And Nicholson says, "You can't HANDLE the truth!"
I believe there is wisdom in this for me.

I tell every doctor, every nurse, "just tell me all of it. I can handle it.
But what if they said, "You have 5 months to live."
Would I handle THAT truth?
I have no answer for that. I would hope that I could find SOME hope..........

I wonder about it all the time as I fight this cancer. There are moments to be sure,when I wish God would reveal the outcome, like when I have 10 minutes of gut-wrenching dry heaves over the toilet and pray, 'Please God. Just give me a break. A little break.'

It rarely happens immediately. But eventually the dry heaves stop and I am able to go lie down with my eyes closed and picture myself some where quiet, peaceful, serene: like Perkins Cove, Maine. A postcard of a seaport if ever there were one with its weathered, slightly run-down collection of lobster boats all in need of a good scraping and caulking; a few, private sailing ships, a walking bridge over the cove and tiny knick-knack shops offering treasures for sure for those who step inside. Shops so small you must excuse yourself to make your way around and wonderfully lobster smelling restaurants every 20 feet. Paradise.

I go there and imagine I can hear the sounds of the surf beating against the rocky coastline, crashing against the rocks then retreating to ready itself for the next wave of attacking surf. I love the symmetry of the ocean's ebb and flow, the sounds of shrieking gulls, the smells of drying sea salt that hangs in the air, the artists lined along the shore, brushes in hand, poised before their easels trying to capture the essence of it all before the sun sets.

I think we all need to find a "Perkins Cove", a sacred place to retreat to when we feel overwhelmed where we are physically located right now. Take a trip, leave this place, calm yourself, hears the waves, the gulls, the tapping/rubbing of boats against each other.

Where are yours?
Do you have one that is so real, you smell it?
Find one for you; make it so real for you that you'll be able to go there in an instant.

Some days I do this very well and other days I completely suck at it because I get overwhelmed with the physical symptoms of this cancer.
Like when I thought I couldn't make it through my last 7 treatments. No matter where I tried to go to get "away" I kept coming back to the scared, broken, fearful me and I couldn't find the strength to go through with my treatments.
I was lost and I broke down many times that Sunday night before my final Monday infusion.

But YOU started to help me; you lent me your strength. I read comments on the blog that said things like, "Tell Dana he is NOT the broken down marathoner, crawling towards the finish line on his hands and knees that he imagines. He HAS done this race well and he needs to see himself crossing that finish line arms held high and smiling. Cause that's how I see him."

And that did it for me. That change in viewpoint gave me the strength to try for ONE more day. And that's when I realized I did not need to do SEVEN days of treatment. I only needed to do ONE. The one THAT day.
I would face what came after that when and only when it was necessary to face it. I didn't need to face all 7 at once. Just one. And I could handle one!

So, maybe whatever it is that you are facing, that is resisting your attempts to "get yourself away", needs a change in perspective? Perhaps you are looking at the total picture when all that is needed from you TODAY is what is happening TODAY?
Perhaps someone else to help you see yourself more clearly and with less personal pain invested that clogs the vision to look at you say, "But you ARE running this race with grace. You are doing it well. It is going SO much better than what you see. I picture you smiling all the way through this to the end and beyond. And so you shall. Now smile, dammit!"

Love is the answer and if you don't find the love you deserve where you are, then why are you there?
Live for love.
Don't settle because it's the "closest thing to love I will ever find."
Ask for LOVE to find you.

State it with conviction that you are open to loving and being loved. Say it day after day. Make it a mantra and make it yours. Even if you have to pretend you believe in what you are saying initially. Just keep saying it.
Soon it will be REAL to you.
Soon you will say it in a manner that the universe BELIEVES you and then passes your "voice mail" onto its intended recipient.

Love will find you. I promise if you are open to it, Love will find you.

Thank you

I can see improvements!!!

2009-12-01T11:56:00.003-06:00

My neck is less burned! I can see healing progress. YAY!!!
My mucous production is SLIGHTLY less. (Listen bub, I'll will take ANY amount less than what I previously had!!)
My sore throat is SLIGHTLY less burned.
My nausea is SLIGHTLY less. (ANY less is fantastic!)

I have been saying "baby steps" for some time now (all the while secretly thinking, 'I can do it faster than baby steps! I am me, after all!' lol)
But, divine time is NOT human time and one cannot speed things up JUST BECAUSE of a desire to do so.

That means PATIENCE is called for so; I try real hard to be patient.

But then I think, isn't this patient enough? Isn't this LONG enough already? I mean, sheeesh, c'mon!!! I've been the good cancer patient. I've done what I've been told-- how come I cannot speed my recovery up? (Because I was looking for BIG changes and missing the little ones I found this morning.)

Speaking of this morning, I started weight training again.
Slowly and simply and just to start regaining some weight that I've lost.
I read up on strength training for cancer patients and it is suggested they use resistance bands and weights. No aerobic exercise at this point. So, weight training it is, with some sit ups and crunches to round it out. Old school, baby! Old school!
A nice side benefit of course, is increased strength, so I've got that going for me. :-))

But bottom line,why I am writing this morning is to say, "thank you for your support, your love, your faith and you confidence and belief in me."

I am convinced that this journey would not have been possible weer you not a part of it so I thank you dearly for you energetic help.
Thank you for picturing blazing white laser beams to transform my cancer.
Thank you for singing my name aloud! Keep it up cause I still need it!!
Thank you for thinking of me for even just a second. That's all it takes. You don't have to lotus position yourself, do yoga, go within, say "Ohm" for extended periods of time: just smile and say, "Dana" The rest gets done for you automatically. Sorta like Microsoft hopes Windows 7 will be: you do a minimum amount of work and the system/universe does the rest.

Well, I KNOW how my approach will work out. Let's watch Version 7 Windows and see if they have the same good fortune.

Thank you
Thank you
Thank you!!

medical update

2009-11-30T13:33:00.004-06:00

Saw the oncologist this morning, blood work is good, labs all good, my "little doodle" (as she calls the inflamed lymph node) is continuing to shrink. She feels that when the radiation effects finally dwindle away in about 4 weeks that it will be completely gone. (In other words, she concurs with the other docs that there is NO need for surgery.)

Now, I just have to LIVE, SURVIVE.......hang in there.

What I have to deal with everyday is an overflow of mucus (it's disgusting, nasty, ever-flowing and nothing to stop it. It just ends when it ends.) and the severe pain of the burned throat from the radiation.

I continue to eat thru the tube, take meds and all liquids thru the tube and try to swallow and gargle as often as I can because it is good for my esophagus to do so.

So, that's the human drudgery of my daily existence.

But it is where I still need y'all the most: the pain and the mucus flow is overwhelming. The mucus makes me nauseous and when I try to spit out the mucous it inflames my throat and comes out bloody. (Sorry for gory details but this is my life right now and it ain't that pretty.)

But YOUR help comes in the form of healing prayer, LOVING thoughts, kind words spoken on my behalf in your own homes. Take a moment in between singing my name out loud to SPEAK my name to someone else and just say, "I hope he's well."

That's all that 's needed. "I hope he's well."

This is not a solo journey and never has been. It was my early desire to make this trip with grace but that has long since been tossed aside. (Not much grace when your head is hanging over the toilet bowl, let me tell you!)

But I still have HOPE, FAITH, BELIEF and LOVE.
And more than that, I wish those things for you at the same time as I wish them for myself. Use my hope, faith, belief and love for you in your own lives, in your own journeys, in your own travails. In whatever it is that gets you worried at night-----right before you fall asleep. What's stopping you from letting go of those things? Let me help you. Love, live, allow and let go as my sister-in-law Bitzy reminds me.

I think people that are attracted or drawn to someone in pain may be drawn in because they recognize the pain that they see as similar to their own pain. And maybe that is exactly how God plans it, for us to help each other as we help ourselves?

And maybe, just maybe through my struggles to lessen the pain and live with heartfelt hope that y'all supply me in droves, you can learn to do the same with your own pain? I fervently hope so.

Heck, if not, as least misery loves company, right?

So, tis the season: free the Santa within you,
don a stupid Santa hat,
make someone smile,
read a kid a story if you can, (if you don't have a child offer to babysit a neighbor's child and give them a free night out and read to THAT child.) Reading a special Christmas story to a child draws you into their world of wonder, which I think is closest place on this planet we have to directly accessing God. Through the eye of a child.

We get FED when we do these things for others.

It DOES feel good because you are giving to YOU at the same time as the child is receiving LOVE and GOOD from YOU. Like the way I am receiving FROM you. Both of us benefit and that's perfect!! In fact, I believe it to be divine.

That's the way of love. And LOVE is, after all, what it's all about.